Bob the Investigator: American Revolution Sketch
The setting this time is colonial times…
Bob is sitting in his home. Paul Raburn rushes in.
Paul: The British are coming!
Bob: What?! Why?!
Paul: We had a tea party in Boston and forgot to invite them.
Bob: Oh yeah. I remember some guys got so drunk they threw the tea into a lake.
Paul: anyway, we're holding a convention. I'll see you there, Bob the Investigator.
Paul leaves. Bob then goes outside and gets on his horse.
Bob: Come on, Joey. Let's go!
Joey heads for the convention, but Bob falls off.
Bob: Whoops… forgot to put on my seat belt.
At the convention…
Bob walks in. He spots Ryan and walks toward him.
Ryan: Say Bob, do you know what this convention is about?
Bob: Paul Raburn said the British are invading.
Ryan: Oh, good. I thought soldiers from England were invading.
Ben Falcon: Quiet please!
Everyone becomes silent.
Ben: As some of you may have heard, the British are invading the country. What we need are ideas for what we should do.
Ryan raises his hand.
Ben: Other than taking a pointless trip to Spain.
Ryan puts his hand down. Thomas Johnson raises his hand.
Thomas: We should declare war. We can write our own Declaration of Independence and become our own country. Then, we can run the British army out of the country.
Ben: I like it. Johnson, you'll write this Declaration of Independence. Now, where's George Washburn?
George raises his hand.
Ben: I want you to command our army. Any volunteers for the army should sign up now. Convention dismissed.
Everyone goes to either sign up for the army or go home. Ben walks up to Bob and Ryan.
Ben: Bob and Ryan, I have a special assignment for the two of you. I would like you to sneak into the palace in England and get information on the British army.
Bob: Will you pay us?
Bob: Alright. We'll go.
Bob and Ryan take a boat to England. There are guards blocking the door.
Ryan: What do we do, Bob?
Bob: Just follow me.
Bob and Ryan walk up to the guards.
Bob: Good day, gentlemen.
Bob and Ryan are about to walk in when the guards stop them.
Guard #1: What do you think you're doing?
Bob: Going to see the king.
Guard #1: Well, you shouldn't. We're not guarding this palace because we want to. We're guarding it to protect people from the king.
Bob: Don't you mean protect the king from the people?
Guard #2: No.
Bob: Well look, we have to pass, even if this king is someone we need protection from.
Guard #1: Well, alright. You should go get guard uniforms, though.
Bob and Ryan go to the guard uniform store and buy 2 guard uniforms. They then walk into the palace.
Ryan: I wonder why they need to protect people from the king.
They walk into the king's court.
King Ed the Bill Guy: That'll be $65 for walking into my court.
Bob and Ryan: Oh.
Bob pays Ed the $65.
Ed: State your business, guards. Are you the ones that asked for the promotion you're probably not going to get?
Ed: Too bad. I was actually going to give it to you. In that case, get out of here. First, though, that'll be $95 for not asking for the promotion.
Bob pays Ed $95. Bob and Ryan then walk into the hallway.
Bob: Where should we go to find the military secrets?
Ryan: I'll tell you what. We'll flip a coin. If heads, we'll check the attic. If tails, we'll check the basement.
Bob: All they have is a basement.
Ryan: Then we'll keep flipping the coin until it lands on tails.
After flipping the coin 12 times, Bob and Ryan head for the basement. They then see a filing cabinet with a sign that says "military secrets."
Ryan: How do we move this whole cabinet?
Bob: We'll use an airplane.
Ryan: This is 1776.
Bob: Oh yeah. In that case, we'll use a car.
Bob: I know, I know. 1776.
Ryan: Can we both lift it?
Bob: How about just taking all of the documents out?
Ryan: I think my way will require less strength.
Bob takes all of the documents out anyway.
Bob: Let's go.
Ed: Hold it right there.
Bob and Ryan turn around to see Ed the Bill Guy and 2 guards on both sides of him.
Ed: That'll be $1,000,000 for the documents.
Bob: I can't pay that!
Ed: Then we'll put you in prison. Guards, that'll be $166 to put these two in jail.
The guards don't move.
Ed: I said, that'll be $166 to put them in jail.
Guard #1: No.
Ed: No?! No?! You dare to say no to Ed the Bill Guy?!
Guard #2: Yes.
Ed: Ah! You win this round, but I'll be back some day!
Ed runs off.
At the next convention…
Ben: Quiet please! Thanks to Bob and Ryan, we have the British military secrets that can help us win the Revolutionary War. Also, Thomas Johnson has written the Declaration of Independence. Now, we must all sign it.
Everyone gets in line to sign it, starting with John Hitchcock. Bob and Ryan are at the back of the line. When they get to the front, they're about to sign it.
Ben: Whoops, the pen's out of ink.
That's why Bob and Ryan's names don't appear on the Declaration of Independence.