Bob the Investigator for President
At the office of Bob the Investigator…
Bob and Ryan are watching TV.
Reporter: This is Alexander Cheesewheel bringing you the news. Coming later, a duck walked on a tightrope and ended up becoming the tightrope champion. Also, Justin Beaver is still at the top of the Beaveboard 100 and takes us inside his million dollar damsion. First though, President Allen is preparing for the next election and we currently do not know who his next opponent will be.
Bob: Wow, I can't believe it's been 4 years already.
Cheesewheel: You may not believe it's been 4 years already. Well, it hasn't. It's been 3 years, 364 days, 16 hours, 12 minutes, and 6 seconds.
Ryan: I wish they'd be more specific.
Bob: You know it would be pretty fun to be President. You get to write speeches, approve documents, go to boring meetings…
Ryan: You find that fun?
Bob: No, but we still get to live in a giant White House that we can paint any color we choose.
Just then, Sergeant Michaels and a man walk in.
Sergeant Michaels: Hello, Bob the Investigator. This is Mr. Dave Gordon. He called the station earlier looking for you. He is the leader of the Ice Cream political party.
Dave: That's right. Our mission is to make America a much more fun place. We give out free ice cream and have random events like Blow up your Favorite Punching Bag Day.
Bob: So, you want me to join your party?
Dave: Not only do we want you to join, but we also want you to be a nominee for our presidential candidacy.
Bob: OK…what does that mean?
Dave: It means, you have a chance to run for president, but you need to come to our convention first.
At the Ice Cream Party convention…
Bob walks in.
Dave: Hello, Bob the Investigator. It's good to see you. Now, please sit by all our other nominees at the nominee table.
Bob sits at the nominee table. Sitting there are detective Nuzzbit, Joe, Dan, Stan, the Orange Dragon, Ed the Bill Guy, and the Ghastly Brothers.
Nuzzbit: Hey, Bob the Investigator. It's good to see you again.
Bob: Thanks Nuzzbit.
Dan: Are you ready for your speech?
Bob: Yes, even though I didn't write it.
Dave: Welcome, everyone, to the 1st Ice Cream Party Convention. First order of business, do you all like ice cream?
Everyone: I scream for ice cream!
Dave: Good. Now, we will hear from all of our candidates. First up is detective Nuzzbit.
Nuzzbit walks up to the stage.
Nuzzbit: Thank you, Dave. Now, if you make me your candidate for president, I promise I'll destroy America with my stupidity and build a store that sells pointless bouncing shoes.
Bob (whispering to Stan): The competition's really tough.
Dave: Great. Next up are Joe, Dan, and Stan.
Joe, Dan, and Stan walk up to the stage.
Joe: Hello. We're in the army, so our plan is to reduce the number of talking sharks in America.
Dave: What does that have to do with the army?
Stan: You tell us. A talking fish told us to say it.
Dave: OK. Next up is the Orange Dragon.
The Orange Dragon walks up to the stage.
Orange Dragon: If I'm elected president I promise you I'll pass a space program.
Dave: We already have a space program.
Orange Dragon: Oh. I'm in the wrong time period. I'm supposed to be in the election of 1956.
The Orange Dragon resets his watch and leaves.
Dave:…OK. Up next is Ed the Bill Guy.
Ed walks up to the stage.
Ed: Thank you, Dave. Now, I promise to bring the price of coffee up to $535. Cards will cost $399, jelly beans will cost $610, scissors will cost $790, song downloads will cost $856, and plumbing services will cost $993.
Dave: Er, thank you Ed. Up next are the Ghastly Brothers.
The Ghastly Brothers walk up to the stage.
Mr. Ghastly #1: Hello, if you make us your candidates, we'll make equal rights for ghosts.
Dave: You guys believe in ghosts?
Mr. Ghastly #2: Not only that, but we also used to be ghosts.
Dave (into walky talky, whispering): We've got 2 more nutcases.
2 men from an asylum walk on stage and take the Ghastly Brothers away.
Dave: OK. Our last candidate is Bob the Investigator.
Bob walks up to the stage.
Bob: Hello, I…
Dave: That was brilliant! Now, it's time for you all to vote.
5 minutes later, the votes are all in. After counting them, Dave announces the winner.
Dave: The winner is…Bob the Investigator!
Dave: Now, the next step is to put you in front of a national audience. We'll put you on the Cheesewheel Show.
At the Cheesewheel Show…
Cheesewheel: Hello everyone, Alexander Cheesewheel here again. Today, I have 2 very special guests: presidential nominee Bob the Investigator and his vice presidential nominee, Ryan.
Bob and Ryan walk on stage.
Cheesewheel: It's very nice to meet you.
Bob: Same as you, Cheesewheel.
Cheesewheel: Now, the debate is this Tuesday. What are you doing to prepare?
Ryan: We're throwing pies at random people. That's our way of getting them to vote for us. One guy was so happy; he had to go to the hospital. However, it looked like he'd had an allergic reaction…
Cheesewheel: Well, what are your plans for improving the future?
Bob: I'll sell like cupcakes at low prices.
Cheesewheel: I like your way of thinking. Vote for Bob the Investigator!
At the debate…
Dave meets with Bob and Ryan.
Dave: OK, Bob the Investigator. Don't get nervous. All you have to do is answer some simple questions, and then you're done.
Debate Woman: Now, let's introduce our 2 candidates: President Allen and Bob the Investigator.
President Allen and Bob walk on stage. A man raises his hand.
Man: What are you going to do about taxes?
Bob: I'm going to destroy it. There are good people there, but I think it's too big to be a state.
Man: Taxes, not Texas!
President Allen: I plan to make stable taxes that will benefit both the government and the people.
A woman raises her hand.
Woman: What do you plan to do about the education system?
President Allen: I'll put more money in to make the schools more efficient and for children to have more fun parties.
Bob: I'll create a school system that makes people as smart as me.
Woman: So basically nothing.
Bob: Pretty much.
Dave: This is getting bad. We'd better end it now.
Dave walks on stage.
Dave: That's all for now, everyone! Vote soon and choose wisely!
A week later…
Announcer: Now, the name of your new president… Bob the Investigator!
At the White House…
Bob, Ryan, Nuzzbit, Dan, Stan, Joe, the Orange Dragon, Ed, and the Ghastly Brothers are sitting inside, with the Ghastly Brothers' 2 doctors standing behind them.
Nuzzbit: Thanks for letting us come Bob the Investigator.
Ed: Yeah. I need a break from my regular job of charging people too much. It gets stressful.
Dave walks in.
Dave: How are you all feeling?
Bob: This is great.
Dave: That's good, because you're never leaving.
Dave presses a button and the next thing they know, everyone's tied up except for Dave and the Ghastly Brothers' doctors.
Bob: What's going on?
Dave: you don't remember, do you? You got me arrested. I'm the one that blew up the White Train a year ago, and now I'm going to blow up the White House.
Bob: I thought you loved things that started with the letter W.
Dave: Not anymore "Mr. President." The reason for the quotation marks is because we rigged the votes. All you got really was -3 votes.
Bob: Why don't you like things that start with W anymore?
Dave: I realized the letter N is where it's at.
Doctor #1: This man's crazier than the Ghastly Brothers Let's free them and take this guy away.
The 2 asylum doctors take Dave away. President Allen then walks in. He sees them all tied up and frees them.
President Allen: I came to get my stuff. Are you guys OK?
Bob: Yeah, we're fine. You should take the Presidency back; because it turns out I didn't actually win fairly.
President Allen: OK, thanks. Say Ed, can you go and charge Dave ridiculous prices for no apparent reason.
Ed: Sorry, I'm on vacation.
Nuzzbit: I'll do it. Luckily, I've been reading the Ed the Bill Guy Charging Ridiculous Prices Guide.