God Particle


Because my voice can't fall out loudly enough in a box room

Because I never speak in the tone that you need me to

Because I never use all of my lungs to breathe deeply enough

Because my hands are too thin and straight to meet the grooves of your
twisted, gnarled heart of whatever

Because you wouldn't introduce my hands to anything that old and revered,

Because I like pauses better than smiles

Because I saw an ambulance man be carried away by tubes on a white bed
and stared too long through the frost on the window

Because I shared an elevator with a girl who sobbed like a woman and
didn't even ask for her floor

Because I only call on Sunday mornings at 10 am if I have nothing
better to do with my phone

Because I don't call him my brother, anymore

Because I never talk about it

Because I have one pair of eyes that got stuck using one reflection in
all occurrences of tragedy, peril, euphoria, and ennui

Because I speak staccato foreign languages that become occupied by
greedy word-imperialist English-speakers, anyway

Because I am not politically active

Because I read news articles that make me feel politically active

Because I am quasi-artistic and anti-prolific

Because I believe I am an amateur at life

Because I believe in the separation between amateur and savant

Because I only believe in having faith in foxholes, with rapid fire all around

Because I promulgate the reasons why life is not fair

Because I don't know how to mediate

Because I am a rejection and a creation at the same time

Because I am an unlocked door that comes with a skeleton key

Because I

can draw you


at least one way that no one ever has -


I'm still comparing your gnarled inner organs to tree trunks that cradle life

and thrusting the incongruous meta-fiction of my lonely bacterium life
out into the universe, because

I believe in the god particle. It exists for every orbiting subatomic
particle, electron, proton, etc., and somehow

- so the labcoat gossips say -

conducts the masses of the lesser particles out of sheer law and pre-eminence

in a world of chaos,