Opiate Sun
Summary: Years ago, Jase had carefully explained to me that there were two types of beings; those who hid from the sun and those who don't. Those who hid were monsters. But now, he looked at me and grinned, sharp teeth and all. "Don't you love me anymore?"
—
Today was the three year anniversary of the disappearance of Jase. Three years ago on this very day, Jase with his long brown hair, Jase with his sincere brown eyes, Jase with the calming smile, Jase-
I pushed my babbling thoughts aside and hugged my loose sweatshirt closer to me. I kept walking because I had things to do and Jase wasn't a part of the plan. He couldn't help or be helped. He was unimportant. The dead couldn't be saved, he had repeated to me time after time, even when I was toddler with a severe case of hero-worship. While a gap of two years wasn't much, I had thought at the time that he was so strong and mature.
And now he was dead.
Although the sixteen-year-old me had furiously screamed her denial, I was now old enough to accept the fact that life does indeed go on after death. Jase had been my world, and Jase had died. The world kept spinning and time kept ticking and I kept living.
Jase was dead.
His death didn't change a thing. Did the monsters take a break that day, saying, "One less human lives, today, we stop hunting men"? No. There was no one to mourn him, just as there will be no one to mourn me when my time comes. Nana, our "mother", was not disturbed in the slightest when he failed to come home that night. She had seen too much carnage in her life already, and the younger ones were too small to comprehend the permanency of death. They assumed that he would come back eventually, and as time went by, the person "Jase" eluded their minds altogether. The only one who had really been affected by his absence was me.
I kept walking and took a turn at the ravine at the edge of town. Nana, for all her impassive response to Jase's death, loved us all. She knew how close we had been, so she took me aside last night. She gave me some money and told me to spend the day in town. She wanted me to have fun even when she knew that money was hard to come by and having fun was next to impossible for me. But I had taken a quick walk around town to appease her anyways. Unease prickled the back of my head. Of course, the only place I found of any interest was the bar.
"Maryanne!" Ryan, the bartender's son, called.
I waved. The blonde boy was hopelessly transparent. He pitied me for living with Nana, and he pitied me for being alone. But at least he wasn't like other men who believed that I was desperate and sad enough to do anything for male attention.
He grinned and quickly jogged to me. I was surprised that he wasn't out of breath.
"Care for something to eat?"
Ryan towered over me, and I gave up trying to look him in the eyes. My fingers were itching to take out the knife and ream him one right there.
"Size does matter," he laughed in response to my question. "A larger opponent is usually stronger. He'll deal you more damage. But..." he paused to think, "I suppose it's true. The bigger they are, the harder they fall."
I shifted from foot to foot as I struggled to remind myself that Ryan wasn't an enemy. No, there was no reason to fight him. He was trying to be friendly. But damn it, he was tall and it unnerved me. The only tall person I knew was...
"Um," I whispered, "How much?"
Ryan looked surprised. "For a friend?" he hadn't even paused to think, "It's on the house. C'mon, Maryanne." He invited me inside with a jerk of his head.
He brought over two pumpkin pies.
"These are for your family."
They weren't my family, where they? I didn't bother to correct him. It was a nice gesture.
"Want anything to drink?" He asked as he sat down across from me with a breakfast platter for two that I didn't know a bar had the decency to sell.
"Alcohol and smoke impair your judgment," he snarled at me, "Nana taught you better than this! Get up. You're not getting out of your chores today just you can't do them." It was the first time I'd ever seen Jase so angry. It also happened to be the first and last time I got drunk.
I managed a smile, "No thanks, I don't drink."
Ryan poured me a glass of orange juice anyways, and we ate breakfast in silence. He seemed to sense that I wasn't one for talking and I was grateful that he didn't intrude on my thoughts. By the time we finished, the town was just barely waking up.
I watched as he washed off our dishes and mugs. He had muscles, I realized. I idly wondered what need he had for strength if this was all he did.
He straightened and turned to face me.
"I'll walk you home," he offered, "The town isn't safe for a girl when it's still dark."
He really was hopeless. I prayed that it would stay that way. I hoped to God that he'll remain blissfully ignorant and that perverted townsmen were only things he'll ever have to deal with.
"I'll go with you to town. The woods are dangerous in the dark."
Despite my polite refusal, Ryan stayed with me anyways. It was a long walk home. The sun had risen when we were halfway to Nana's place, and I looked up at my companion.
Sunlight filtered through his hair and eyelashes, setting fire to molten gold and making him look positively angelic. An angel shouldn't be in this part of the woods. Feeling my gaze on him, he looked down at me with his emerald eyes and interrupted the silence.
"You okay, Maryanne?"
His question sparked the unease I felt earlier. But this time, it was stronger. The hair on my neck stood up on end, and goosebumps reared their ugly heads. I shivered and broke into a run.
There was something wrong with the cabin. No smoke flowed out of its chimneys and there were no sounds of children shouting and no scraping of chairs or the smell of Nana cooking. Did Nana take them out to town? Maybe I missed them on the way back because it was dark and we took a different route and...
I pushed open the door.
I sucked in a deep breath. Everyone was gone. The little lodging on the brink of town had been turned inside out. What little furniture we had lay in splinters and blood was spattered across the walls.
"Maryanne?" Ryan's voice floated from behind me.
When he caught up to me, I had already begun moving involuntarily. I was in my room. I grabbed my emergency pack and grabbed the first things I could think of.
"Maryanne?" Ryan called again.
Oh God. Ryan. What was Ryan thinking? He didn't know about them. He didn't know how dangerous it was. Did he think I killed them?
Survival was more important.
I went through other emergency packs and tossed in all the jerky I could. When I saw the last pack, I stopped. It was dark blue. In a childish scrawl, the name of the owner was written across the front. It was Jase's bag. I guess Nana never bothered to toss it either. Were we both secretly hoping that he'd find his way back to us one day?
Without a second thought, I grabbed the bag. Surely, these clothes would fit Ryan?
"Maryanne," Ryan said when I reappeared, "Thank God."
"They're dead," I answered his silent question.
"Do you- We'll head back to town," he decided swiftly.
I looked at him. If he was terrified, he did a good job hiding his fear. He was decisive and he knew what to do. But now that my shock had subsided, I could think clearly too. Ryan was too naïve. I looked at his honest face. Was he the only person from town that was still alive? Did his act of chivalry save him? I had to save him.
"Listen to me, Mary," Jase said urgently. His hands gripped my face and forced me to look up at him, "If you ever find yourself in danger, don't go into town, they'll get there first. No, Mary, you run. You pack your bags as fast as you can and you save what you can. Don't stop until you get the hell out of there."
"No," I said with more strength than I knew I had, "The town can't help me. It can't help you, Ryan."
"Maryanne," he said with frustration, "If some thieves broke into your house-"
"Thieves?" I cackled hysterically before I could stop myself. "You think some thieves did this? You don't see the blood, huh, Ryan? Thieves dragged off an old woman and ten kids and tore the house apart and didn't take a damn thing? Oh yes, let's go back into town and report the thieves."
This stupid boy had no idea what happened. What part of their education did the town skip? How was it possible that they lived only a few miles away from me but worlds apart? How did they live that sheltered life? As I yelled at him, my voice raised a few pitches higher and his eyes got wider than what I believed to be humanly possible. When I finished, I was breathing heavily and unfortunately still in the cabin.
I shoved Jase's bag into Ryan's arms, "You can go back into town," my voice trembled. "But when you find no one there, this should help."
I didn't get very far when footsteps alerted me to his presence. I flinched. His footsteps were lighter than most, but he still walked too loudly.
"Why'd you join me, Ryan?" I asked.
He replied simply, "I believe you. What's the plan?"
It dawned on me that there was no plan. There had never been a plan. We all knew that this day might happen, but all of us just relied on Nana. It never occurred to any of us, it never occurred to me, that one day she would be gone. I never thought that one day both she and Jase wouldn't be here to dispense knowledge or wisdom.
"I-I don't have one. But for now, let's get as far as we can. Please?"
He nodded in agreement.
"When do we sleep?" he asked after awhile.
"Pardon?"
"Day or night? If we walked at night, we might use less water."
He was smarter than I thought. Smart, but still unaware.
"Ryan..." I was unsure of how to begin.
"There are things- bad things, out here. Those things everyone thought were wolves? Those things that attacked your pets and took your children? They're here. Not just here here either. They're everywhere in the world."
I glanced up at him, hoping that he wouldn't think that I had gone insane, but his face was unreadable. He nodded for me to go on. I searched for the best way to tell him about the things that the guild hid from most humans. The words came easily.
"And there are two types of beings in the world. There are those who hid from the sun, and those who don't. Can you fight? Because you're going to have to learn."
"There are two types of beings in the world," he told me as soon as I was old enough to understand, "Those who hide from the sun, and those who don't. Mary, we don't hide from the sun. We soak up the sun like it's water. In a way, it is. It helps us survive. Got that, Mary?"
I nodded.
"And those who hide from the sun... They're monsters. If you ever see one, you take this knife," he gave me a knife, "and you stab them straight in the heart. Don't think. It doesn't matter who they look like or what they say, they can't be trusted. They're monsters, and you stab 'em. It's the only way to survive. Got that, Mary?"
"I live- I mean, lived with Nana because my parents died fighting the monsters. The other kids too. Nana used to fight them too before she got old."
But she didn't stop altogether, I thought. She fought with us everyday up until today when she- I swallowed the lump in my throat.
I started babbling, there was nothing else I could do but talk and walk. And maybe, just maybe, through my incoherent thoughts, Ryan would learn.
"A-A-And Jase, today was supposed to be his 18th birthday, you know? He was a man now, and it was his first hunting solo expedition. All he had to do was kill one of them, it didn't even have to be a strong one, and then he'd come home, and we'd celebrate, and then he'd be part of the guild and..."
I trailed off, remembering the day three years ago when I had such fun cooking and preparing the food with Nana. I was upset that Jase would be gone after the celebration when he came home, but I knew that if I trained hard enough, I could join him in the guild after two years. So I plastered a smile on my face and waited for Jase to come home. And I waited and I waited and I waited. He never came back. I fell asleep at the dinner table that night, and when I woke up the next morning, Nana was studying me impassively. And, if nothing had happened the day before, everyone continued on with their lives and I made the motions of living.
"Jase was the boy with blue eyes that you were always in town with?" Ryan's voice brought me back to the ground.
"Yeah," I choked out.
"You know," he said with a sad smile, "My dad used to say that you two would wake up one day and realize that you were made for each other."
I laughed in spite of myself. I had waken up everyday wishing that he would one day see me as more than a little sister.
"Anyways," I continued briskly, "We were being trained to fight the monsters. We were kids with nothing to lose anymore, and desperation makes even the most passive child strong. The forest was a training ground. But a few years ago, when I was thirteen, they got stronger. More sentient. But we couldn't move away because the town needed us. I guess we always knew they'd kill us first. We never expected them to do this so soon because if we did, we would've called for help."
"So, you guys were kinda the protectors of our town, huh? And everyone looked down on you guys for being alone."
"We were never alone," I said softly, "and we were never your protectors. We were survivors. We just caught on before most people did."
"Oh."
"And these monsters... they can you into monsters. And when people become one of them, they change. Their venom works its way into your system and destroys you. Usually, you become just a shell of who you were before. No desires, no dreams, nothing but the singular goal for survival. It doesn't matter who they used to be or what they say to you, you kill the monster before it kills you," I paused emphatically, "Or worse."
He had been Bobby, one of our kids that went missing two months ago. This was the first time I'd seen a monster with the face of someone I knew.
"Mary," he had said to me in his childish tooth-less accent, "Where's Nana? Is she gone? Can I have a hug?"
I almost bent down to hug him, but I looked into his hollow seven-year-old eyes. This was not Bobby. So I took out an arrow and let it pierce his heart. I stared at his body. He was my first official solo kill. This was my ticket to the guild. When I returned to the house and Nana saw me, I felt pain instead of pride. I couldn't leave. I was the only one old enough to fight. I couldn't join the guild if it meant more Bobbys. In the end, I guess I couldn't change anything.
"Anyways," I pushed on, "They don't fair well in light. Sunlight destroys their venom and kills them. So I guess..."
If we slept at night we'll have to take turns keeping watch. Was Ryan capable of it? Did I trust him enough to let him have my back with I slept? But he made us too conspicuous if we walked at night. He didn't have that feral grace that Jase had.
"We'll travel during day. Hey, Ryan?"
"Hm?"
"Can you fight?"
"I'm a decent boxer," he said sheepishly, "But I guess you're probably better."
That explained the muscles and his lighter step.
"With a weapon, I mean?"
Unless he planned to punch through their ribcage and rupture their heart, boxing wasn't going to help kill them.
He looked uncomfortably useless, "I'm afraid not. Sorry, Maryanne."
I swallowed, "In the bag you have... In Jase's bag, there should be a spare knife. I'll teach you how to use it."
"Hey Mary," Jase rolled over to look at me, "When I join the guild, this is all yours."
He knew how much I admired his knife. He had worked with Nana to make it perfectly balanced, and had engraved it himself. The tiny, superstitious part of me believed that, by using his knife, I'd fight as well as him. As beautiful as it was, he couldn't use his knife on the hunt. Only guild approved weapons were used.
I reached out to touch the hilt, but he kept it out of my reach with a teasing smile.
"Meaning, it's your tomorrow when I come back. But for now, I'm hiding it."
I never bothered to look for it after his death, but when Ryan pulled out two knives from the bag, I felt grief. I felt grief for Jase, for Nana, for all the kids we've lost.
Jase's knife.
"Hey Mary," new engravings read, "If you're reading this, it means that I've successfully joined the guild. I hope my knife serves you as well as it served me. Good luck, and hopefully the next time I see you is in Helio's guild hall."
I let out a sob. Without speaking, Ryan buckled in the plain knife and put Jase's in my bag. He wrapped his arms around me as I cried silent tears.
For the first time, I let tears fall for Jase. Jase with his overbearing and overprotective nature. Jase who'd been ten when he lost his parents. Jase who'd taken care of me since the day we met. Jase, the boy I once loved and still did love. Jase. My Jase.
Ryan awkwardly patted me on the back as I screamed, not caring who or what heard us. All that mattered was that everything I knew was gone.
An indeterminable amount of time had passed before I pulled away.
"Where do we go from here?" he asked carefully, treating me as if I were fragile glass.
The irony of the situation was not lost on me. He was the one who was suddenly thrown into a world that he had no business in seeing and I was the one breaking down. Instead of lending him my strength to keep him from being monster food, he was taking care of me.
But his simple question gave me a sense of purpose.
"Helio." I was surprised how easily the name came out.
At that moment, it seemed like the wisest and safest choice. Helio was a city of hunters and fighters, or so I've heard. I've never been there, but Jase and Nana had gone once. When they got back, Jase told me about all the wonders there. He couldn't stop describing the people and how alive they were. Helio had shown him that people, even people like us, didn't have to be alone. And it was safe. There were so many people watching out for each other that you didn't have to keep glancing over your shoulders. The food! He had ranted on and on about the food. Everything there was simply marvelous! He had described everything to me in vivid detail, and by the time he had finished he had sparkles in his eyes.
"And when you get your guild license, I'll come back to take you there. That way, I can be with you when you see your first city, you'll always think of me when you think of Helio."
If the town was gone, or would very soon be gone, we could seek sanctuary in Helio.
"The big trading city to the west?" Ryan was thoroughly confused.
"Yeah, I guess. It's big on fighting monsters."
"Is that what it is?" he gave a wry smile, "I've been there a couple of times, and each time, I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something off." He ran us hand through his hair a couple of times and then, wordlessly, we set off in silence. I wished that he'd talk because I kept hearing the monsters in my imagination following us.
It was dusk when we finally reached the City of the Sun. Helio stood, bright as daytime, lit by artificial sunlight. If ever there was a stronghold against monsters, this was it.
Despite our exhaustion, we somehow managed to find the Guild Hall. Perhaps it was because we looked absolutely distraught, but the guild members had taken a look at Ryan and me and whisked us off to confer with their president.
Ryan remained silent the whole time, leaving me to recount the day's events. In a dreamlike state, I told him everything. He listened gravely as I told him about the more sentient monsters. He looked thoughtful as I described the break-in at Nana's.
"Why did you assume that the town was unsafe?" he asked as I finished.
I winced. "I-I once had a friend who told me to run away from town because that's were they'll attack if they wanted to destroy humans."
"Smart friend you got there," he commented. I had a feeling that even the lightest compliments were rare from him.
"Thank you, sir."
He nodded, "But I'm afraid you're late with the news. We heard about the destruction of Teran before you got here," he said.
"How?"
"From me," a cloaked figure walked into the room.
"From me, to you," he grinned, holding out a tiny set of bows and arrows, "Happy birthday, Maryanne."
I would have recognized that voice anywhere. It was the voice that had comforted me when I woke up with nightmares and reprimanded me when I didn't fight well enough. It was the voice of a boy who had once sneaked into my room when everyone was asleep to whisper to my for hours on end.
"Hey Maryanne," Jase said with his crooked smile, "It's been awhile."
I just stared at him with my mouth open in utter shock.
"Wha-How-Wh-Jase?" I managed.
He nodded, "Close your mouth, Mary. It's unattractive to gawk at someone like that."
The president nodded, "We thank you for bringing us the news. However," he cleared his throat. His eyes hardened with resolve, "We as hunters cannot simply let you go. You do understand, yes? We will have to execute you."
Jase nodded sadly, "I understand." He walked up to me and straightened. He glared at the president, "Which is why, I'm afraid, I have to go."
With the same grace he had always possessed, Jace cloaked himself once again and dragged me out the office and through town. We didn't stop running until we reached a cabin deep in the woods.
"Jase," I wheezed.
"Maryanne," he returned.
I stared at him some more. Jase was dead. It had been the truth for three years, so why was he in front of me? For someone who should have been dead, he was remarkably healthy. He didn't even appear out-of-breath from our escape.
And that's when I realized that he wasn't breathing at all. Terror gripped me like never before. I had felt fear, of course, but it was nothing like what I experienced. This thing in front of me looked like Jase and talked like Jase. It even acted like Jase. But it was a monster.
My hand crept slowly to my knife and as soon as I could grip it, I whipped it out and pointed it at his exposed back. He didn't even flinch.
"And those who hide from the sun? They're monsters."
Jase's voice reverberated over and over in my mind.
The figure in front of me smiled, sharp teeth and all, "Don't you remember me, Mary?" He walked closer. He reached out to stroke my cheek and I flinched away. His hand had been so cold. "Don't you still love me?" he whispered.
How did he know?
He chuckled as if he could hear my question, "Mary, I've had three years to think about everything. What we had can't be replaced."
Involuntary tears slipped down my face and the thing that looked like Jase was taken aback.
"God, don't cry, Maryanne. I'm not going to hurt you. I promise."
I shook my head and continued crying. What a mouse I turned out to be. I was being hunted and played with instead of hunting them down.
"Have I ever broken a promise that I made to you?"
Yes, yes he had, and I was seized with a bout of anger.
"You- you... You bastard!" I lashed out at him, "You said that you'd come back to me safe and sound! You said that you'd be there to take me to Helio. You said that you'd always protect me." I gulped and my throat was suddenly too dry. "And you said that you loved me," I choked out.
"Mary," he placed his palm on my cheek. This time I had the nerve to slap it away.
"Don't you dare touch me with his hands!"
He remained unfazed. "Mary, I'm Jase. Please believe me."
"Who was it that said 'It doesn't matter who they look like or what they say, they can't be trusted. They're monsters, and you stab them'? Who was it, huh?" I pushed him away.
"It's the only way to survive, Mary. Got that?"
With shaky hands, I raised the knife.
"Don't hesitate. You die or they die."
"Mary, trust me."
"They're monsters. They can't be trusted."
"Please, Mary."
"Kill them before they kill you."
"You don't want to do this."
"Nana taught you better than this."
"Don't be stupid."
"I taught you better than this."
"Mary! Damn it all, listen to me!"
"KILL HIM."
I covered my ears, trying desperately to protect myself from the barrage of words.
"Shut up. Shut up! Shut up, both of you!" I screamed, squeezing my eyes shut. I dropped the knife, and the monster Jase made no move to retrieve it. Instead, much like Ryan had done earlier, he wrapped his arms around me.
"Shhh," he comforted and stroked my hair, "Everything's gonna be fine. We're gonna be fine."
I leaned my head against him because I was tired. I was tired of running and fighting. I was tired of not knowing what I was running from or what I was fighting for.
"Why?" I asked.
"Why what?"
"Why are you still..." I didn't know what to call him anymore. 'Alive' certainly wasn't the right word. I tried again, "Why are you still existing?"
I looked up into his eyes. They were alive.
He sighed, blowing his shaggy hair out of his face, "Because I had something to live for. I had you, Maryanne."
"That day when I left, I remember you and Nana waving at me. I remember you telling me to come back safe, and all I could think of at that moment was that it didn't matter if I made the guild or not, all that mattered was that I would get to see you again. I was beginning to think that if making guild meant not seeing you for a long time, maybe I didn't need to be guilded so early. But I was cocky and I was stupid. I had something to prove to the world, and I wanted to prove to myself that I was as strong as you thought I was.
"I had already taken down three of them by midday but I didn't want to head back. They were easy kills; shells of animals. I wanted to be worthy of the guild title, and I wanted everyone to be proud of me. So I tried to kill more than I had to, and before I knew it, it was getting dark.
I thought that I could get back home and I almost did. But then this little boy attacked me. I could've killed him easily. But he looked so human and I looked at him. And then he spoke to me, Mary. He opened his mouth and said, 'Will you be my friend?' with this innocent look on his face. When I worked up the nerve to kill him, it was too late. He had me on the ground and bitten to boot."
He paused and looked at me.
"You're nineteen now. What did you kill?"
I shut my eyes again.
"Bobby."
He froze, and I felt his muscles tense.
"The baby?"
I nodded, "I know your hesitation all too well."
"You always were stronger than me," he whispered.
I hugged him close, "Keep going?"
After a few minutes, his voice sounded again.
"I lay there for days, Mary. I kept waiting for someone to find me. Those were the worst days of my life. It felt like someone was trying to tear me apart but ten times worse. They were trying to rip my body away from my being, if that makes any sense. And I held on because I thought that if I held on, I'd live and maybe I'd stay human. In a way, I was right."
I shuddered, "Why didn't you come back?"
His laughter was hollow, "And do what? Ask to live with all of you again? It would've broken all of you. So I left. But enough about me. What've you been up to lately, my little ball of sunshine?"
Summer mornings by the lake. Jase had been infatuated with the baker's daughter and had, in private, thought of all these ridiculous pet names for her. I was horribly jealous of her so I teased him relentlessly.
Hysterical laughter bubbled up inside my throat. One moment I was crying and the next I was howling like a hyena with cannabis. I glared at Jase's frown.
"What? I can't laugh? You called me a ball of sunshine, and sun kills you! Get it? Hey. Hey Jase! You get it?"
I was shaking from uncontrollable laughter, but when my brain registered his question, tears found their way to my eyes again. "They're dead."
He sighed again and leaned his chin on the top of my head.
"Oh, Mary..."
He hummed to me until I fell asleep in his arms.
The next thing I knew, I was in blinding pain. It was, as Jase had put it, "as if someone was trying to separate my soul from my being." If I was being turned, there was no way I was going to let the venom win. I gasped in pain. I was going to be like Jase and keep my soul. It was only after an indeterminable amount of time that another thought occurred to me.
Jase. Was he the one who injected venom into me? I was overcome by fury, and just as suddenly as the pain had come, it was gone.
"Well, that was fast."
I looked over at Jase.
"It took me so long to change," he continued gazing at me as if I were an experiment, "Maybe it has to do with your strength of will."
"You stubborn idiot!" he groaned, "Someday it's going to be the death of us."
"It's not my fault you were in love with Pe-ne-lo-pe," I sing-songed. I had interrupted what would have been Jase's first kiss with a very loud, very dramatic declaration of my love. For her. I had managed to scare her away, screaming"You forest freaks!" as I cackled.
"It wasn't nearly as easy with Nana and the rest of the kids."
"What?" I whimpered, hoping that I heard wrong.
"I had to try, you know? You were so attached to them that you'd never come to Helio. You'd never seek me out. I had to make you come back to me somehow."
"You killed them?" I shrieked.
The sun started coming up. I could see its fiery glow in the outline of Jase's heavy curtains.
Jase- no, the monster sighed, impatient.
"So I could be with you," he said slowly, as if explaining quantum theory to an infant.
"The townspeople. What did they have to do with it?"
He shrugged, "You would've stayed behind to protect them like the good girl Nana and I raised you to be."
I shivered. His words held not a hint of remorse or regret. He said it as if it were perfectly natural to kill some few hundred people. Was that how they thought? Did killing an entire town of humans come as easily to them as killing ants did to us? I felt disgusted by the very idea.
"It doesn't change the fact that you killed so many people," I crossed my arms, voice firmer than I felt.
"Mary," he rolled his eyes, "Stop being so childish. They died because they weren't strong enough. You need to accept the facts of life and grow up. No human lives forever."
"And do you? Does your kind live forever?"
A pause.
"You mean our kind, Mary. You're already one of us."
After everything, after our childhood, he still had the audacity to stand in front of me. I kept staring at him but I didn't have the audacity to correct him.
"And yes, we do." He made a point to emphasize the 'we'.
"Immortality?" Jase sniffed loftily. "What a waste of time."
"And... you want that?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Because," he said because he knew I'd ask. "The fact that we have only so much time makes us treasure life. We take chances and make the most if it. Like this." He leaned over and kissed me. It was my first kiss.
"What's the point?" I countered.
"To survive, Mary. Wasn't that always the point? We fought against the monsters to survive and to help others survive."
"There's a difference between living and surviving," he continued as if nothing had happened. But he was grinning like a madman, and I wondered if there were butterflies in his stomach too. Had he wanted that kiss for as long as I had?
"Only, we had the wrong idea," he continued, "If turning to them means surviving longer, why shouldn't we? Why were we fighting against survival?"
Tentatively, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and drew me closer.
"Survival wouldn't be worth it if you lost everything. If you have to give yourself up to survive, that ain't a life. It means nothing. I'd rather fight and die."
I laughed. "You're right," I said, "You're absolutely right. Why the hell were we fighting against survival?"
At this, he seemed to relax. He offered his hand to me and I took it.
I stared at the arm that wasn't around me. I lunged, how unladylike, for his empty hand and held it. He had made the first move and it seemed only right that I make the next one.
For what was probably the millionth time in the past twenty-four hours, a tear slipped down my cheek.
And Jase continued on obliviously, "I realized that day that nothing superseded survival. If you could survive, everything else was secondary."
"Survival is important, but there are things that are better. I'd gladly sacrifice myself for Nana, the kids... and you. I'd erase my existence for your happiness in a heartbeat." He looked at me with such open honesty and I reciprocated with equal trust.
"Really?"
"Yeah."
This time, I was the one who kissed him.
I thought about the Jase I had known. And I thought about the past twenty-four hours. I thought about Ryan and his kindness and how alive he was. And then I thought about how the monsters had come and how they ruined it all. Because if this Jase had never come along, Nana and the kids would still be alive and Ryan would still have his beloved town.
No, there was so much more to life than just survival. Survival didn't even begin to encompass the barest meaning of living. There was love, laughter, happiness, and kindness. They were the reason for survival, not a luxury that came with surviving.
"Even me?" I whispered hoarsely.
He looked at me with the same open eyes my Jase once had. I shut my eyes, praying that he'd make it easy for me. But no.
"Not you, Mary. I'll do anything for you."
"Really?"
More tears slipped down my cheeks, but I tried to smile.
"I love you Mary. I've waited three years to see you again. I tried to change everyone so you'd be happy. You realize that, right? I'm never going to let you go again."
I stood up, and held my arms out. I let him wrap his arms around my body, and I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him.
He pressed his lips against mine and pushed me until my back was against the wall. Placing a final peck on my lips, he flicked his tongue out.
Perhaps tasting the saline tears, he frowned, "Why're you crying?"
"Why're you crying, Maryanne?"
"Because you don't love me!" the ten-year-old me screamed, "And I love you!"
He shut his eyes for a moment. He was so mature for someone who wasn't even a teenager yet.
"You don't love me. Someday, you'll love someone. But for now-"
"Because," I hiccuped, my hands fumbling in the dark until I found what I was looking for.
I grasped the object in my hand. With my free hand, I pawed at fistfuls of Jase's shirt and proceeded to bury myself in him.
I couldn't hear the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
"Right now, this isn't love," I whispered to myself.
"-this is an obsession."
With that, I jerked the door open.
I was furious so I shoved him into the lake. To me at the time, it made perfect sense. He rejected me, so I pushed him into the lake.
Jase tumbled outside as I watched, careful not to let the light fall on my skin.
Instead of being angry, he looked at me and laughed. "You have a mean push. Thank God it was only a crush. Because what was it? Oh yeah. Hell hath no fury like a woman scored."
He looked confused for a moment. As the life began to fade out from his eyes, he scrabbled desperately at the dirt with his hands.
"Knife," he finally choked out.
And with that, he was gone.
I shut the door.
Not only the Jase with his fangs and ethereal beauty, but also the Jase with long brown hair and sincere eyes was gone. My Jase was finally gone. I paused for the barest moment as a memorial for the boy who never had a proper funeral, but this time there was no grief that tore my heart to pieces. There was just a dull throbbing pain. There was resignation and emptiness.
I stuck my tongue out at him. "Serves you right," I pouted, wondering why I ever thought I loved him.
He laughed again and pulled me into the lake. And at that moment, dripping wet with water up my nose, I forgot about the rejection and I decided that I'd like him anyway.
I had accepted that Jase, the real Jase, was gone a long time ago. And when he showed up, it only gave me false hope and reopened old wounds.
Wounds. What was that he said about a knife?
I tore apart the house searching for something, anything that reminded me of him. I looked in every conceivable place, tapped everywhere on the wall, and lifted every single floorboard, but there was only the knife he had left on the table. Idly, I touched it, wondering if he had any use for it after his turning.
I watched as he hollowed out wood for his hilt grip. He winked and said, "This is our secret, okay? Nana says that I shouldn't do anything to upset the balance, but it's so much easier to maneuver and to hold this way."
I stared at the knife. It had the guild crest on the blade, sure enough, but the hilt wasn't made of ivory as it should be.
When I disassembled the weapon, I realized that it had indeed been hollowed out. With a shaky breath, I shook it. Only a small bottle of medicine fell out.
"If I had a choice, I'd be a medicineman," he had confided in me one night while I bandaged his arm.
Disappointment engulfed me. He had gone through all that to tell me about a vial of medicine?
"Jase! You fucking bastard!" I screamed, anger riling up, "You fucking selfish bastard. You always did disappoint me, didn't you?"
The silent house mocked me.
"You had to tell me that you loved me right before you gone got yourself killed? You had to tell me about this knife that has nothing? Not even a picture of you? Damn it, Jase, answer me!" I howled some more, "You just had to show up again to haunt me! Years of torture weren't enough, was it? You had to take away every fucking thing I had. You just had to give me hope to tear it away. You selfish little bitch."
I was sobbing again.
"You selfish bitch," I whispered, "Why'd it have to me that killed you?"
"Take the damn medicine, Mary!" I was feverish so I wasn't sure if I heard him swear. He was so cute when he was frustrated. "Please Mary? It'll help you get better."
I stared numbly at the tiny bottle.
What harm could it do? Worst it could do was kill me. I laughed hollowly and chugged it down in one swig.
Almost instantaneously, I felt an overwhelming need for light. The darkness clawed at me and I had to get out. There was so much pain. The light. It'll stop the pain.
"Fuck," I choked out, "Now you want to hurt me physically too."
"Are you trying to torture me?" I groaned as he smacked me with the board.
"I'm just trying to help you, Mary. This'll teach to to be faster. Now duck!" He swung the piece of wood at me again. Then, when I got hit yet another time, "Trust me."
I smiled ridiculously at that memory. He'd been right. It did improve my reflexes.
"Trust me."
And I did trust him. I took a shuddering breath. Jase had held onto his humanity but went insane. Would that happen to me? Was he trying to save me from the same fate? If I stepped out into the sun right now, the pain would be gone but so would my existence.
"I'd die to protect the people I love."
Could I die to protect people from the monster I might become? What if I didn't become a monster at all?
But what if I did?
"It doesn't matter who they look like or what they say..."
They're still monsters. I'll still become a monster.
"For people like us who live in constant danger," Nana's eyes clouded, "It's not whether we'll get turned or killed, but when."
I shut my eyes. Everyone dies, my time just came sooner. With that revelation in mind, I opened my eyes.
"Does it ever stop?" I asked him.
"Does what ever stop?"
"The pain. You're so broken, Jase." I was pretty smart for an eight-year-old.
He stopped to think for a minute but said with conviction, "It'll stop someday."
In spite of myself, I smiled. The pain had not subsided in the slightest.
So I opened the door, and stepped out into the morning light.
I looked down at the earth where Jase's crumpled body lay. The words "Thank you" lay near him. So that's what he was doing pawing at the dirt.
"You're going to be the death of me," he groaned from time to time, but it was always with a smile.
I knew that these last two words really were from Jase. Not the Jase that had poisoned me, or the Jase that had selfishly destroyed an entire town, but the Jase I had knew and loved. Perhaps the light had destroyed the venom that muddled his mind and given him a moment of clarity before taking his life. It stopped his pain.
I had done the right thing.
With that thought in mind, I took my last breath as a monster and sat down next to Jase. I trusted his medicine. Already, the sunlight had dulled the pain.
Finally, I collapsed next to Jase. Instead of crying, I flung open my arms to embrace the opiate sun.
—
A/N: This was a rather long oneshot. I wanted to develop this story into a multi-chapter story, but I didn't know where to go from there. So yes, parts were rushed because I simply didn't know what to do. If the feedback is good, I might return to this when I have more time. But for now, I hope you've enjoyed this little story. Tell me if you find any typos or mistakes in here.
I would love reviews for this one because it's really something I felt compelled to write, and I want to know that my efforts haven't been wasted. Thank you for reading Opiate Sun.