i knew one day this would end

and every moment we spent together would become a memory.

i knew that your "love" for me was an illusion.

you just wanted to sate your curiosity;

a man loving a man

is it really so funny?

Are girls really better?

i don't understand.

i know your words were cruel

and your smile was twisted

but why did your voice tremble as you spoke?

you sounded like you wanted to cry.

if you really loved me why didn't you stay?

why did you push me away and use excuses

to end our relationship? i don't

i cant

understand.

your body was easy to figure out,

like a puzzle—i saw every piece of you

i held it in my hands and put it back together

god i love you.

so why do your words betray your body?

"i hate you" "you're disgusting" "you took me seriously?"

every laugh stings

but i still cling to you, to the memory of our high school days.

i couldn't stop crying as you walked away.

i heard you got into your university. congratulations.

it's been eight years so why

why do i still dream about you?

why is it that every time i kiss another

touch another

i imagine it's you? i cry out your name

and seek out your warmth

even though i know it will never be there.

i heard you got married.

do you love her?

congratulations.

i want to see you. i want to know why you left me.

i know you really loved me even though you wouldn't admit it.

if i had fought for you all those years ago, would you still be with me?

if i had ignored your lies and kissed you

would you have held me tightly and stayed?

i heard your wife is pregnant. congratulations.

hey, do you still think of me? i think about you every day.

you're right. i'm pathetic. i can't stop thinking about you.

will i ever see again? i want to see you

i want to see you

god

i love you. i never stopped loving you.

it's been ten years. we're adults now.

i still think about you. i wonder what you look like now.

do you have the same smile? the same laugh? the same expressions?

how old is your child now? did you raise him well?

how is your wife? do you still love her?

do i ever cross your mind?

it's been fifteen years.

we're past the age of adolescence. i haven't found somebody to fill the gap you left behind.

i sleep with anybody who offers warmth

an illusion for a love i lost as a child—

nobody can replace you

so why am i still looking?

i heard your son won a writing contest. congratulations.

did he get that from you? or his mother? i know nothing about her. do you treat her well?

i'm a grown man but my god

i still think about you

every time i attempt to find love again. you're haunting me.

please

leave me alone.

i decided to end this and i wrote you a letter.

we met at a coffee shop.

you look the same but you look different. older. tired. but still you.

i still love you.

"i still love you."

your face doesn't change. i feel a pain in my heart and i can't stop

all those years or pining and hurting and i can't stop

you loved me back then, i know you did.

you made excuses to leave me. why? what were you scared of?

you're a coward.

no

i'm a coward too.

you smile and tell me that's in the past

you forgot about it you have a wife and a son and you're fucking happy

and you don't think about me.

i know you're lying.

your voice trembles.

you had the same face you did back then. i want to embrace you

but you have barriers set up and i'm not brave enough to break through them.

so i leave you and we promise to forget each other.

congratulations.

you've broken my heart a second time.

i heard your wife passed away. i heard you got a promotion. i heard your son is the top of his class.

congratulations.

it's been thirty years.

i finally erased the haunting love you had embedded into me.

i can find love again. just once, i found it, i held it and this time i didn't let him leave like you did.

he's different from you but he's the same.

we're old. so very old. we've settled down. we're happy. i love him.

maybe not as much as i loved you

but he helped me forget and i decided a long time ago i wouldn't let you ruin me a third time.

it's been…i don't know how long it's been.

i'm dying. i know i am.

i'm so weak. i'm so tired. can i see you one last time? i want to ask you so many things.

don't lie to me, please. at the coffee shop all that time ago

your voice trembled. i knew you were hurt. the lie was burned into your gaze.

you could never lie to me.

can i see you one last time?

maybe i was wrong. maybe i never stopped loving you, even now.

i want to return to the past. can we laugh like we used to? can we hold hands and kiss and touch each other? can we lie under the blankets and laugh like teenage boys do? can you tell me you love me one more time? i want to hear your voice as i fade away.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love…