There are two of you
And one of you is a monster.
One of you hates me.
One of you makes me want to die.
Everything I love about you
Vanishes the instant that poison enters your body.
No love, no kindness, no motherly instinct-
Not even any sense of rationality.
Voice raised and slurred,
Caustic words spilling from your lip
Fear, hurt, betrayal
I desperately walk on eggshells
But it's never enough...
Because once that poison is in you
You hate me. You wish you could leave.
And I'm starting to wish you would.
You aren't my mother anymore.
I don't know what you are, but
It isn't my mom.
You were never, ever hateful
Before you found that poison.
You never told me you hated me
Wished you could kill m
Never hit my dad or threw things at him
Never made me afraid of you
Never made me feel unsafe
Never made me have to leave to protect myself
From your hateful words.
You used to be a good mother, once upon a time.
Now all that's been undone
And I can barely look you in the eye
Because of that poison.
You say you've been trying to stop
But it never really works that way.
You either do or don't- there is no try
And I've long since since lost my faith in you.
So once again, you've driven me to tears.
You've shouted and stomped your feet
And now you're off to yell at my dad some more
And then pass out. It's all routine by now.
And tomorrow is predictable, too.
You'll mope around and make us feel
Sorry for you, even though you brought
It all on yourself and we have the right to be mad
You'll apologize- again- and make empty promises
I'm trying, you'll say. I'm not perfect.
I'll reassure you that it's okay, but silently I'll wish you'd just leave and get clean.
I can't take the uncertainty and dread anymore.
But that doesn't seem to matter much to you.
t's been a long time since my mental health came first.
I don't think that's about to change.
I'll keep pretending and keep lying through my teeth-
Like mother, like daughter, huh?-
And then, one day, I'll just leave.
You've chosen the alcohol over me time and time again
And you aren't stopping any time soon.
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
So maybe it's time I put my health first. Maybe it's time I leave you to poison yourself.
When your liver's ruined, don't come crying to me.
When people get mad at you, don't come crying to me.
When you want me to talk to you again, don't come crying to me.
The opposite of love and the opposite of hate isn't each other.
It's that's what I feel right now.
Enjoy your poison.