I would like to begin with a small preface. First off, this story is based off of personal events, some of which occurred very recently. These events frustrated me to the point that I turned to writing so that I could vent. So while this story is short and non-monumental, I hope you find it enjoyable or at least interesting enough to leave feedback. Thanks.

It all began in a foreign land
students abroad, we formed a bond
our friendship was special, loving to tickle
her laugh contagious, made me courageous
then at home, the past now a dream
hazy with sweetness and idealized memory

It was a highly anticipated visit, but everything seemed different now. Our conversations often carried back to the people we both knew so well and the things and places we had experienced together. We brought up old jokes and missed memories. Being in America together was foreign. However, we were both glad the opportunity had arisen at all. We had different friends, families, and lives; only linked by one powerful experience, it was a now a rare occasion to see one another.

After a weekend together, it was now our final night. We went upstairs to watch a movie; the lights dimmed.

"Ohhh, how romantic!" she giggled.

I retorted, "Oh yea, don't you want to just make-out with me?" Secret wishes veiled behind a joke.

"I would…hope that doesn't freak you out." Her quiet murmur snuck into my ear. I didn't dare to look her in the eyes, my dry lips quivered. I pressed play without a word.

It always happens that way. I am a coward.

I want but I do not dare. I am a coward.

My desires have been there for quite some time. However, I never speak of them. If I say them aloud then it might be true! I want to stand apart but not in that way. My desires are pressed so far down. They are like a cold numbness in my fingertips; I've been sitting on my hands for years.

Her words made my heart startle. Courage sparked from heart to hand, and a possibility birthed in my mind.


Hours later we were lying in bed. Nothing between us had happened, the movie had been entertaining enough.

Cotton sheets and polyester pillowcases, moonlight spilled over our faces. A pillow created a physical barrier between us, but words like tentative footsteps crept out in the dark.

"I wouldn't mind hooking up with a girl," she said.

I turned away from her, lying on my back, "I've always been curious, but in the end I'm always too scared." There it was: the naked truth. So close we could have reached up and caressed it. The newborn possibilities were there as well, limitless.

I told her a story of a girl we both knew. A girl with brilliant blue eyes who had tried to kiss me one night in the ocean. I had denied that blue-eyed girl; I had been too scared.

But now…maybe.

I wanted, but I still did not dare. At least not alone, she had to meet me halfway.

So I hinted. When I didn't get the answer desired I hinted again. I left so many hints that I myself got lost.

Finally, she turned to me, "I have a confession…"

Her eyes bore into mine. I was hypnotized.

"I'm attracted to you," she giggled and patted me twice on the check. Before my possibility could continue growing, it was stifled by a quickly added, "just kidding."

She turned her back to me. I leaned over her, nudging her softly, "Really? Were you really just joking?"

She didn't look at me, "yes."

I returned to my back and touched my fingers to my lips. In my imagination I was free, and I did what I couldn't in reality: I kissed her. Our lips met in a union of curiosity and the love of a close friend. My hand reached out to stroke her ear, pulling her closer, diving deeper into it all…

I laughed quietly to myself.

"What?" She turned back towards me.

"Nothing," I clenched cold fists.

"No tell me!" she whispered with anticipation.

"Well…here we are…two girls talking about all this," I am a coward, word froze to the sides of my throat. "And nothing happened…it's kinda funny. That's all."

Silence loitered for a while, twirling around in the moonlight. "I have a confession," she said again.

"Yes?" I felt myself growing warm.

"Nothing," the warmth left me as quickly as it came.

"Nothing? Are you joking again?" she turned away from me quietly, perhaps startled by my interrogation. "Just tell me yes or no…were you serious or no?"

"no." she said. Maybe…it's all in my mind.

I turned my back on her, saddened and defeated, "You're just toying with me." I closed my eyes, searching for forgiveness in sleep.

The next morning I drove her to the airport.

I didn't say much, but I played a suggestive song through the speakers.

when you love somebody and bite your tongue all you get is a mouthful of blood…

I chewed my lip and looked at her through the corner of my eye. She looked straight ahead. I refocused my attention on the road.

At the airport we were simply friends again. I helped her with her bags. We hugged and laughed a final time, reminiscing on the weekend. We hugged a final time.

"I enjoyed our pillow talk," she spoke into my ear.

When we separated, I smiled at her, "bye."

I watched her walk through the sliding doors through the car window. I then cranked the engine on, turning up my volume to drown the dying possibilities.