Is it wrong to want a simple life? 15 years from now, will I be driving my kids to soccer practice on a Friday in a green minivan? Dropping my spouse off at work in the morning before dropping my kids off at school or daycare, and then going to my job as a teacher, or principal? Driving home, making dinner, packing lunches, pancakes on Saturday, brunch on Sunday, homemade lasagne and apple pie? A small house, packed with books, and family pictures (good ones though, like at the beach, real pictures not studio shit), maybe a dog. A big one, like a lab, or a golden retriever. Something cuddly and friendly. Quiet family Christmases, going trick-or-treating, spending spring break with Gram and Granddad & visiting aunty Oresa?

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Or is it going to be me, yelling and fighting with my soon-to-be-ex-husband, while my kids try not to listen? The oldest kid getting stuck taking care of the younger, because my spouse and I are never home?

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Do you know what it's like to be raised by a sibling? To have them resent you, because they never got a childhood, because they were too busy trying to salvage yours? And of course, you can't even react, when they hit you, they say how much they hate you, because you know you deserve it. So you repress it, because that's what daddy does. Because you don't want to hurt people. If you let loose even a little, it's too much, because you can't control it. And also, they're older, they're raising you, how do you fight back against their abuse, because when they aren't abusing you, they're still the only person who ever tried to protect you. And they do. They protected you from all they could; but that hate, that's the one thing they could never protect you from, themselves.

You can never scream, because loudness gets people angry. Never use violence, you can't control it. Never love, never defend, they never thank you at best, at worst they get angry. Yell. Hit you. Insult you. Lock you away... Never show anything but displeasure and hatred for others. Things like happiness, innocence, and hope are what get you broken. Besides, people don't react to kindness well. Don't act normal, you aren't, and you never will be. You will never be anything but a failure.

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Never sleep, because you can never forget waking up to find your sister next to you with a pillow, set to smother you. You convinced yourself it was a dream, so did your parents, but are you willing to risk that? Never eat without permission. If you do, you will not eat. If it's desired by someone else, it is theirs. Do not argue. Never tell the truth. People assume you lie when you don't, therefore when you do, they are either going to believe you, or believe the opposite, so they will still know the truth, and you won't get in as much trouble. Never let anyone know about the things you remember, or the things you forget. Never, EVER expect good things. The more you expect, the less you get. Don't touch people. Ever. Don't trust. Not even your "best friend". Because they'll team up with your sister to tie you up and stuff you in the cupboard under the sink and leave you in the small, dark, musty place that they've chained shut.

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I crave people. All people. All I want is to be held, to be needed. I'm a bitch because that's who I've become, not who I am, because it's what I know, what I can deal with. I want to touch, but I'm afraid to be touched. I want someone to love me, but I'm too afraid to let them.

I can never be normal, because I'm not. I'm just a fake. A soldier, no emotion, do as you're told. A doll, pale and porcelain, fake and fragile, ready to break.

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I don't want to break. But it's too late... I'm cracking, and I can't stop it. I'm trying to slow it down, but it's just so hard sometimes. I know that one day I'll shatter, and I'm afraid of who the pieces will hit...