Gone is My Peace, My Love, My Brother.
Max. Damn you Max. The man stole me before I even realized. He took what I didn't know I had. That bastard.**********
Hunter. My 'saviour & protector'. He tried to keep me safe. It even worked. For a while... But he refused to tell me from what I needed protection.
I wanted to be like Max. Hunter never approved. I understand now.
I fell in love with Alex. It was wrong. Hunter told me I didn't understand the differences between loving & being in love. Does it matter? I still desired him. My desire was wrong.
I couldn't help myself. His soft, dark, wavy locks, dark blue eyes, smooth skin, his full smile, kindness, humour, and his ability to care...
He was so beautiful, just looking at him made my chest twitch. Thinking about him brings tears to my heart... His beauty, both inside & out, was astounding. I loved him, and I desired him, and I wanted him, only him, to be mine & only mine.
But it wasn't until after he stopped coming that I found out. He was dead... Alexan, my beauty, my true peace and purity, was dead.
Oh god, but his beauty and serenity! In his arms was my peace, the only peace I ever truly had!
Oh, his love made my heart weep tears of gold and purity. The only pure thing I've ever had in my life was the most impure thing I could've had. But god... The only moment I ever wanted to live, was the moments we were in each other's arms.
That love we had, filled not with passion, lust, or raw desire, but gentle caressing love, beautiful peace, with the purity of angels... It truly was something only we could share. The pure love that comes from knowing this person, they are a part of you. They are made to be with you. To love you. To look into each other's eyes, and see what no one else ever will.
I stopped living when he did. I never lived again...
Shortly after Alexan had disappeared, Max told me Alexan had been my brother. I couldn't deny it. I was in shock... Because it was true. How else could we have fit so perfectly?...
Alex never had a funeral. Who remembers a life no one knows existed? I cried for days. Max told me that my tears were undeserved. "Someone so beautiful should never be so sad." He had said to me.
I sat alone in my wardrobe crying for what we had done, and what we never would. Halfway through my tears, Max's words just started gnawing at me. All at once, the empty pieces fell into place. After 10 years of Max's unnoticed advances, it clicked. He was why Hunter protected me. I gasped. Before I could think any further, my wardrobe burst open.
"Hello my beauty. I think it's about time we forget the other one, " Max said in a too-sweet, horrible voice, grabbing me by the arm & yanking me out of my dark hiding place & shoving me onto my small bed.
"HUNTER!" I kicked at Max violently, hoping Hunter would hear me as I cried. Max simply ignored my screams, silencing me with harsh, uncaring lips...
... So many bruises. The bite marks. Spots that had torn poured fat red droplets on pale white & yellow bed sheets. Bile covered my chest & soaked into the torn remains of my nightshirt. A handful of white-blonde hair curled on the bed, the ends red & bloody where they had been ripped from my skull. The pain was unbearable. But the aching emptiness in my chest was the worst. Max had taken everything that belonged to Alexan & sullied it with his dirty hands.***
I... I never fully recovered after that. Many years passed. The voices... Max was in my head. I became paranoid, constantly feeling like he was everywhere, watching me. Hunter, he disappeared. But every once in a while, when I'd thought I'd seen Max, I'd catch a glimpse of clear blue eyes behind glass frames, blonde hair tied in a knot, tall and lean, peering around a corner, protecting me. That's what Hunter does. But only ever a glimpse...
But the others. Like the Rage. The Rage had taken Max when he had attacked me. Max was sick, twisted, but good at hiding. The Rage was a part of him. And now it's a part of me. It takes me. Makes me do things. I can see what I'm doing, but I'm powerless... I have to stay in control! I can hear it. It whispers things to me. Puts horrible images in my mind. Murder. Rape. Blood. Cannibalism. All the things I'd never think, never mind do. It makes me desire. Desire the blood, the feel of bones under my fingers. But I, I cry. I hide, I scream. Because I won't. So it sends me thoughts. Kill... Rip its head right off. Strangle it. That's it, press harder... No! Oh god...
Nobody realizes. I told my therapist that I'm insane, and she said, if you think you're insane, you aren't.
But I AM. I know I'M not crazy. The Rage is. It makes me do things. When I have panic attacks, I tell myself, "it's ok, you're crazy, it's alright", but IT whispers back, "you're not crazy... Just do it. It's natural to kill... To break."
I'm having an argument about whether or not I'm sane with a voice in my head that's telling me to kill things.
The voices in my head tell me I'm not crazy. Isn't that wonderful?...
About 7 months ago, I was starting to freak out more & more; forgetting things more than usual, it wasn't just my past anymore. Strange things happened. My doctor told me I had a sort of split-personality disorder. The other me is a man, who calls himself Hunter. Hunter James.
A few weeks later I discovered something on my computer. A website address was taped to the screen. I logged on, and discovered it was somebody's blog.
The blog was private, so no one could see it without the link. There were pictures of me, that I never took, but had obviously taken myself... There was a post, the last updated post, explaining to me.
"My darling Sunshine,
I had hoped, so hard had I hoped that you would never need to find out.
When you were a child, you knew a boy named Alexan. I know everybody has told you he was your imaginary friend, and that none of it was real, and I know that Maxim had told you that Alexan is your brother. There are many things you do not remember, and for that I apologise. You had such a difficult childhood, and I wish I had been able to protect you as I'd hoped, so that you would never know what happened to you, or your dear Alex.
I know Alexan & you were romantically involved. You never should have been, not so soon... I'm not saying you were wrong in loving him, but I now know the extent of the damage caused by Max & I, and all of the other factors that had affected your young life.
Because Maxim & I are "older", we apparently affected your social and psychological growth far more than anticipated. Not only that, but some of your... Sexual aspects were affected as well. You will need to know the things you have forgotten.
I know you probably have many questions, but I'm afraid I must continue to withhold some of it until I believe you are ready. For now, I want to give you a small project. I want you to practice listening to the voices. Try to pick out my voice. I want you to try to remember me. Nothing else, not yet, just me. Just my voice. We'll go from there.
I shall be keeping in touch with you when I can, but I would suggest getting lots of sleep and not going anywhere too important for the time being, just in case.
Don't worry my dear, you will understand soon enough, but we have to take it slow or there could be rather severe psychological damage.
I hope everything works out alright. This is very important, and we do not have as much time as I would like, I'm afraid. But I will figure this out, and you will be alright. I want you to be happy... Please remember.
"Dude. Fuck. Fuck, dude! What the fuck? Remember? What the hell am I supposed to remember? How do I know who's voice I'm listening for?" I yelled, regretting it as soon as I thought the words. All at once, voices erupted in my head, photographs, images, questions to every answer, but no answer to any question. "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU GUYS, I AM NOT IN THE MOOD!" I screamed, silencing them immediately, yet again regretting my words.
*Dingdongding, dongdingdong, dongdingdongdingdingdong!*
I glared. I really need a new doorbell... I thought bitterly.
A/N: Tada! That's the end of chapter one! Technically, it's chapter one & two, but splitting it up seemed weird. If you think I should split it, let me know and I'll change it. Otherwise, it can just be one. Anyway, what do y'all think? D'you like it? :D