Dad was coming home drunk every night. Mum was refusing to take the medication for her bi-polar and psychosis. My sister was being bullied at school for being 'too smart'. My boyfriend and I were constantly fighting, every time one of us opened our mouth. Nan and I were arguing for the first time ever. My grades were dropping from straight Excellences to Merits, then to Achieves. My friends were getting involved in drugs and alcohol. Life was screwed.
Here I was, usually Ms Happy, Ms Smart, Ms Morals. Sitting curled up in my room every night, desperately trying to transport myself from reality and into my fantasy world, where everything was fine. Where everything was right.
I hugged my knees tight to my chest. Linkin Park music on full volume in my ears, drowning out everything, including my own thoughts until there was nothing but the beat of the music and the lyrics.
"I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware"
I must of fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, the alarm on my phone was going off. I pushed the button to shut off the alarm and dragged myself off to the shower.
I got ready for school as always, and then walked. Usually I'd meet up with Jaime and walk with her seeing as she lived like three houses down, but today I just could not be bothered. Plugging in my headphones, I blasted Linkin Park and drifted off into wonderland while I walked .
I was greeted by the usual group. They tried to hug me and I just brushed straight past them and headed up the stairs of A block. I knew how bitchy it was, but right then and there, I couldn't have cared less. For that moment, all I could care about was the music screaming beautiful sweetness into my ears,
I kept to myself for most of the day, aside from the occasional forced conversation with teachers who demanded my attention and iPod. I just longed to be back in my room, where I could finally be alone once more.
Then my least favourite subject came along. Mathematics. I was lucky though; the teacher couldn't bothered teaching so we got a free period, as long as we weren't too loud and did the planned work for homework.
My boyfriend hadn't seen me until now, and I was glad he hadn't. He came over and sat in the chair next to mine, placing a hand on my arm.
"Hun, what's wrong? Talk to me". He searched my face for some sign as to what had happened.
"Nothing" I lied. "I 'm just having a grump day I'll be fine tomorrow". I flashed him a smile as he drew me into his arms. I tensed for a moment before melting into the warms of his arms.
When I got home, I went straight to my room and stripped off, trading in my navy uniform for a black pyjama singlet and black and white checked boxer shorts. I climbed into bed. Once more, I had Linkin Park music on. I listened to them as often as possible, and lately, it was 24/7.
My head hurt and my chest felt tight as I curled up in a ball under the warm covers. I knew before I felt the first tear drop that I was going to cry.
I'd been crying for what felt like days, though was probably hours before I got up. I went over to my desk and checked the clock. It read 22: 17. Shit, I must have fallen asleep. I couldn't have cried for 6 hours straight… right?
I picked up my pen holder, scanning through its contents. I glanced down at the scissors and then feeling intrigued, I picked them up and twirled the tip of on finger with the other hand. I didn't know what exactly went on in my head, all I know is that one minute I was twirling them harmlessly on my fingertips, and the next, my arms is covered in raised red lines with blood seeping out in little blotches, I came too enough to push the scissor lade to the paleness of my wrist, push hard and then drag it ever so slowly across my arm.
I watched the blood drip from the multiple cuts, about 15 on my left arm. I began to feel very dizzy, from blood loss no doubt. Before I began to feel worse, I grabbed out a few tissues and wrapped them over the cuts gently; trying not to cause myself even more pain. It felt like for those few moments, everything was… fine. Like none of my problems even existed. It was like a sudden euphoria.
For the first time in quite a while, I went to sleep with a sense of relief. A sense of … happiness.
When I awoke the next morning, I thought that last night has just been some sort of dream. That was, until I rolled onto my side and my hand hit the bloodied scissors ad waded up tissues, stained with my blood. I was still lost somewhere in my ecstasy state. Each movement I mad with my arms hurt, fuelling my ecstasy fire.
I turned on the shower and stripped, allowing the water to heat before stepping in. I didn't even think about the cuts covering my arm hurting until I stepped into the shower and the water glided into the swollen skin, causing a burning sensation. It felt so sore, but still so good. So I gave up and just let the water beat on my back.
After the shower, and once the state of euphoria had faded, I dressed the wounds, pulled on my uniform and made sure I put my uniform on before leaving the house.
Walking towards school again, I realized that I would soon be using the scissors once more. I needed that escape from pain. It seemed silly, using one pain to get rid of the other. But the scars cause by my cuts would heal. The ones inside me, well those ones just don't seem to even wanna try.