The Friend Zone. I hear so many boys complain about it, this 'Friend Zone' that us females push them into. A place where they have to watch their best friend (and also secret crush) go after the boys she finds attractive.
But boys aren't the only ones shoved into The Friend Zone.
Girls get shoved there, too. And it hurts just as much. I'm sure we've all been in the friend zone before. It's something most of us has experienced before. Being so close to a person that makes you so very happy, and then having them be with the person that makes them so very happy. And all you can do is watch, wish, and wait. Watch their love blossom, wish that it would end, and wait for it to do just that. Because it will. It usually does. That's why you're in The Friend Zone; because it happens so often and you are always there, acting like you always do, to make them feel normal after their break up.
But it's not what we in The Friend Zone want. We want to be the next person decided to be worthy of dating. But we never are.
Actually, that's not true. We do get chosen sometimes...
I went from Best Friend to Girlfriend only once in my life. Granted, I have not lived a long life, but it feels long. No pun intended, but this is the longest I've lived yet!
I remember that going from Best Friend to Girlfriend was not easy or short. I remember the my Best Friend was dating someone else at the time, though they lived out of town, in a different city. I remember another person I considered a Best Friend had asked my Crush why they wouldn't date me; I was in town and available. My Crush had replied with, "I like them a bit more."
It was a sentence that made me so happy and so sad at the same time. It mean that my Crush liked me, too! They liked me! But... but it also meant that they like their current Toy more then they liked me. Perhaps that's why I was so unsure of our relationship for so long. Because I knew... I knew my Crush liked their Toy more. If only by a bit.
But low and behold, I didn't give up! It was awkward, really. I had broken up with my Boyfriend to persue my Best Friend. A risky game for anyone, really. Then one day, I recieved a text. Yes, a text, asking me out. I replied yes! And thus began my wonderful relationship.
Only... It wasn't wonderful. Not really... not towards its end. At first I was filled with such doubt and sadness, yet I was so happy. I had a constant nagging that kept reminding me that my Crush liked the Toy a bit more then me. It was only a bit, mind you. But... but that was such a huge bit. It was a bit of my Crush's affection not being shown to me, and it made me self-conscious. And my self-consciousness could not be shown to anyone, so I hid it.
I hid it behind smiles and boast of how proud I was of myself, of how I didn't care what any one thought about me, or about us. I was just so unbelievable happy to be an us but I was so scared. So afraid my Crush would leave me for other people.
I'm not even sure when it happened, but I fell in love. I was (am?) so in love with my Crush. I know that I am. Knew. Dammit, this is harder then I thought it would be... I was in love with my Crush. I didn't want anyone else.
But I did.
Sounds so bad, I know. I hear it myself and I'm ashamed that I think it. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm being honest here. All these words are true and from my heart, so I shall write them, no matter how ashamed I feel about the whole thing.
I was in love with my Crush, but still, I had other crushes. Other people I would get unbelievable jealous about. A jealousy I had to right to feel. So, I pretended I didn't.
I was so very jealous of my Best Friend when she dated him. So very jealous. Why did he want her? But... I know why. Because I was in the Friend Zone. But I'd had a crush on him since I'd moved near him, just down the street. Oh god... that was ages ago. Nine years. Most of my life, really. And even when I was in love with my Crush and so unbelievable happy with my Crush, I was still crushing on him. I was so jealous when my Best Friend dated him (I'd been single at that time, even!) and I was jealous when The Girl With Only One Friend dated him, and when the Bitch did, and so many other times. I was the only one who never got to date him. It just wasn't fair! And it still isn't.
Because I'm still just in The Friend Zone with him. My Crush was the only one who let me beyond The Friend Zone, only to rip my heart out three years later and abandon me in a town that shows no promise.
We were suppose to get married! We were suppose to have three children and a two story house and have little Tobi puppies running around with our children! But... but my Crush couldn't grow up. My crush couldn't accept the fact that we were no longer high school students, but rather, adults living on their own. So my Crush fled. My Crush just packed up and left. Not so much as a word goodbye on the day my Crush actually left town - I had to learn from The Girl With Only One Friend. And it hurt.
It hurt so much. It still hurts. It hurts so bad because I still love my Crush! But my Crush doesn't love me. My Crush blocked me from FaceBook, won't reply to my texts, and has effectively moved on. But I can't! I can't because I'm stuck in the god damned Friend Zone.
My Best Friend is so beautiful. I wish she could see it, but she can't, and that hurt, too. Because she says horrible things about herself, but I think she's beautiful. I'm so jealous of her, too, but for a different reason.
I'm slightly resentful to, of my Best Friend. I resent that everyone I liked would rather date her. I know why; she's so beautiful, smart, and has the ability to just joke with someone. I lack these qualities - I can joke, but it's not the same care-free attitude. I'm not as pretty as her; I'm also not as thin. Not that I believe those I like are shallow, but... I'm just not what they want, and my Best Friend is.
He liked her. He dated her. And even the Other One likes her, though they have never dated. That hurts.
If only I could be more like my Best Friend.
But... I'm stuck in the Friend Zone, abandoned by a Crush that had claimed to be my Love. I'm just... left overs. I suppose I can't expect anything from this town. This shallow town and it's shallow people, who have labeled me Useless and Friend Zone Only material.
Maybe... Maybe I need to break away. Like my Crush did. Leave, get away, flee. Just get in my car and never stop. Don't stop until I find what it is I'm missing. Until I find what it is I'm looking for, wanting, needing, hoping for.
I was inspired to write this because of the Other One. Not him, though he is part of it. The Other One. I betrayed him once, and I'm sorry about it. But... I don't regret it. My Best Friend deserved to know. I also... also wanted to know that my Best Friend didn't feel the same way about him. I needed reassurance that she wasn't a threat this time, because she didn't even like him. Yes, I admit, I like the Other One.
It's odd, liking him. It's not even a 'I-want-to-be-with-you-forever' kinda like. I just... I enjoy our talks, how intellectual he really is, and just how different he is. He's just so very very different then anyone else I've spoken to. But when it comes down to it... he forgave me because he'd do anything for my Best Friend.
Why not forgive me because you want to? Because you actually care enough to do so?
Don't just tell me 'ok' when I apologize, because then you're just like my Crush, and I know you are better then that. You are so much better then my Crush, who isn't even sure of who they really are.
My Crush. The one I wanted to be my Love. For three years, my Crush was my Love. So utterly in love I was. And though I know my Crush doesn't care, I still do. That's how I know it was love. Not that it matters now.
I need to get away. I want to get away. To run away. I just want to leave. To go away somewhere, so very very far away. Leave this shallow town and the people who keep me in the Friend Zone, so that I may find my Love.
I admited to my Male Roommate that I was afraid of being alone. He assured me I wasn't and never would be; but I am. I lay down to bed at night, and I have no one to cling to. I have no... no scent to focus on and make me happy. No conversations to reply in my head so that I may be with them even when we are apart.
I have my whole life to find Love, I know. Oh, I know so well. But I don't like to be alone. I want someone, anyone, just to feel this gap within my heart.
I tried once, but with a person I really felt nothing towards. Nothing came of it but shame. I didn't like him, but I tried to. But I didn't, couldn't. I think it only made it worse, because it made me miss my Crush that much more.
And I still like him. Even though all I'll ever be is in the Friend Zone. I don't want to be, but it's where I'm going to be. After all, if he hasn't made a move in eight years, why would he now? Yeah, I can't think of any reasons, either.
God, I'm just rambling now, but I can't stop typing. I feel that if I do, I'll miss writing something important. Something so very important that I have bottled up. I feel like I haven't writen it yet, and that it's wait for me to write it, but I don't know what it is, and it won't give me a clue. It wants me to figure it out on my own, to learn about it myself. But how can I?
I hate not knowing! I hate not understanding! I hate being... being so alone when everyone I'm close to is not. My Best Friend and Male Roommate; they have people, and although they do not always get along, they have each other still. And I have no one, and I hate it.
I'm so... so very happy that my Best Friend and Male Roommate have been home these past nights. I couldn't stand to be alone anymore. They are gone far to much. Too much time for me to think, reflect, regret, and hurt. I sit in my room and hurt. And I don't want to hurt anymore. I want someone who will be here when I need them, to support me in a way that Friends cannot. To... to give me purpose.
My Crush gave me purpose. I was the one who worked, who drove, who did... everything! I had purpose, I was useful, wanted, and I thought loved.
I want that again. I want purpose.
I wake up in the morning because it's expected of me. But what am I really looking forward to? More time in The Friend Zone? I go to work because I must - the house will not pay for itself, nor my other bills. I'm... I'm never excited to see people.
I want to be greeted with a kiss. Just... that would be so nice. To go somewhere, hear words of love, and be greeted by a kiss. A soft kiss, just a quick peck on the lips would be enough.
I never expected my Crush to break up with me that night. I'd been at work, you know. Working, because we needed money for our house. Our house, which we had gotten. Ours.
We were suppose to stay there that night. It would be our first night in our house. But... but I was boring. You were bored of the relationship. Because three years is a long time to be with someone! Bored! That was your reason? Because I'm boring!
Boring! Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring! I hate that word! Hatehatehatehatehatehatehate it! Boring!
Is that why I'm in The Friend Zone? Because I'm so utterly, hopelessly, uselessly boring!
How do I not be boring? How do I be...exciting? What is it I need to change? Do I need to drink? I know you like alcohol. Do I need to smoke? I know that your Toy does. Do I need... what do I need to change! I just don't know!
And I hate not knowing... I hate boring... I hate... I hate this life I live.
I mean, I love it. I really do. I live with two of the most amazing people in the world, my parents love me, I've never been this close to my brother, and I'm going to go to college soon!
But... I'm not who I want to be. I'm stuck. Like... Like Peter Pan in Never Never Land. I'm not... going anywhere. And I hate that. I don't want to be me! I don't... I don't feel like... like a Jessica!
I'd rather be an Aidyn, or a Maria, or a Sasha, or... or anything not Jessica. I don't feel like a Jessica. I don't. I feel... I don't feel like anything, really. I can't pick a name because I don't feel like any of them. I'm just... Stuck.
Stuck going nowhere.
I want to cry. But I can't. I just won't come. The tears, I mean. I feel them build up, I know they are there, but then I blink... I blink and it's all gone. No more tears; just my emptiness and nowhere-ness. I can't even cry for myself, because I don't think I deserve tears. I don't, because there is nothing wrong with my life, even though I feel like there is.
I guess... because I went so long without being lonely, that being lonely now hurts so much again. And it's stupid!
I hate myself for not being strong enough to just get over it! Why can't I be independent and strong? Why do I pine after what I can not have and after people who most certainly do not want me because I'm stuck in The Friend Zone. And I know that... that these are just worries and fears that others will just scoff at, which is why I'm writing all this, typing it now. Because I can't tell anyone. I don't want to face their judgement. I can't. I'm not strong enough. It's just... I'm so DONE with it all. I am. But what can I do? I'm not just going to throw myself at people, as funny and pathetic that would be.
I just want to move on. I just want to be out of The Friend Zone.
I feel... I feel just like I did in Freshman year. When I was such a mess and went to therapy and even hurt myself on purpose. Because it felt like I had control then. But control is just a joke. I'm never in control. I feel like I'm being controlled, pulled on a leash by my Owner, and I'm just a Pet. Not even a loved, spoiled Pet. But one bought on a whim and forgotten. Remembered occasionally when lucky.
I want my Crush back.
But only sorta. I don't want my Crush back, just the comfort I had when I was with them. The safety of knowing I'm loved, even if, in the end, it was just a lie. I'd rather live with the lie then face the truth again.
I don't wanna sleep because then I dream. And I always dream of my Crush. Some dreams make me happy - we're together, we're in love. We're happy. Some dreams make me sad - my Crush has moved on, inviting me to the wedding, which I must attend out of respect. I never have a date... because it's always him I invite, and just like at my brother's wedding, he never shows.
Why do I put up with so much torment? How many time has he left me alone, yes I still expect him to come? Why do I keep trusting him? It's because I'm his friend, first and formost... and friends forgive and forget. But I don't forget.