I don't know when I got this resolve, but all I knew was that I had to find some way to prove myself wrong, I had to find a way to say, "What was I thinking? I'm the same person as I used to be before the bicycling accident, I haven't changed one bit" so I decided I would dig up something on Jessica which may give my mind some silence to what has been occurring in my life right now, the change I never thought I would go through. I decided on revenge as a method of my redemptions, as my salvation to a possibility of me going back to be the way I used to be again. I didn't care what happened to anyone else in this revenge I so long for now, my relationships got distant with everyone, including with Jeff. I remember him coming up to me asking, "Amanda, what's wrong with you? You've changed so much…you've become someone who is a stranger now" and I responded in saying, "In the world I live in now, I only have one purpose in life right now and that purpose lies in the deep pathways of the darkness in this world. I don't know you, good bye" I became driven by revenge to the point I became obsessed with it and drove those who cared about me further and further away from me.
I was in a place in which people would've called a dope spot, I spotted Jessica going in and coming out pretty quickly. Though the thing was that she went in with money and came out with a package, then I knew she was a junkie, a drug addict. This was the scoop I was looking for, perhaps this was meant to be a sign of how I can redeem myself and gain back my self respect through knowing that I had undone the injustice caused to me all the years Jessica bullied me and the years I laughed it off. I followed her to an alleyway where she quickly became shaky and started to open the package and took out a needle. Loaded it full of the drugs she got and started to inject it into herself, I took out my cell phone and took a picture of it. Thinking this is it, I show the police this picture and it all ends, I can go back to being the way it all used to be, but when I got home I found a note from Jeff stating:
These previous years we've had as a couple have been precious and I hope you think that to. But these last few days you're becoming someone who is becoming unknown to me, as mystery to me. As you said your goal lies within the darkness of this world then I cannot help you, redemption and revenge are two different things but you've blended the two to create even a greater threat than Jessica as someone can really get hurt this time on your quest for revenge and redemption. My love for you was infinite, and always will be but if you continue to go down this path then I cannot be with you. I hope you make the right choice as of what to do with your life in the future and right now, please don't do anything you may come to regret in the future.
I sat down on the couch with my hand on my eyes crying, thinking what had I done? Just because I lost my self respect because of the lies I had been creating and living in all along, I drove Jeff away. I drove him away from me, my love and I drove him away. Now it was as if I was stuck on a fork road, both pathways befitting for me to take, though only one would lead to my true redemption. I went to the washroom locked it up and cried in front of the mirror for hours trying to figure out who I was now, just a shell of my past self. Now nothing is left for me in this life but my revenge. I had a friend who warned me once, "Amanda, do you know what something like revenge can do to people? It can drive them crazy and that's for sure. War can do that to people, it happened to my uncle and he drove himself to his own death in his need for revenge on all the people who had been responsible for killing some of his closest friends." My friend was right, revenge can drive someone crazy, its driven me crazy. Then I thought was revenge really my way towards redemption of lying to myself and hoping to revive my respect again? Now my mind said no. What my redemption now required to be was to hand the picture over to the authorities not out of the feelings of revenge but as an act of support. That afternoon I went over to a drug rehab center and handed the picture of Jessica over out of kindness, not out of the need for revenge. Next week Jessica didn't show up to school, I figured that she was administered at the rehab center after a few testing's by the doctors. She was gone and I was free of her and free of myself from all the illusion of reality I had created. I felt redeemed not because of my constant need for revenge in the past but because of the act of kindness I had done for Jessica even though she may not have appreciated it right now. I felt through that act of kindness, my self respect came back to me, and this time it was real, no illusions. Jeff was waiting by my bike and we walked and started to talk of what happened in the past few day as Jeff said, "Amanda…I'm sorry, it was wrong to run out on you when you may have needed my help the most."
"It's alright…it's all over now, Jessica won't be bothering me anymore" I responded in saying.
Jeff suddenly stopped me and said, "What did you do with her?"
"Jeff she was a drug addict, what else do you think I did? I gave visual evidence to the proper authorities to help her; she is in a drug rehab center right now"
Jeff looked at me speechless and then said, "I'm glad."
"Glad?" I asked.
"Yes, you didn't let revenge consume you because of the injustice that had been done to you. You didn't let it consume you just to let you redeem yourself and your self respect." He said.
"Jeff, I'm sorry for what I had said earlier, for everything I had said earlier"
He suddenly turned me towards him and kissed my forehead and said, "I love you", and we both walked off hand in hand, I with my strong self respect walking off into what was beautiful evening.