Dante, Meris, Corinne, George, Izzy, and Wilhelmus were all members of a secret elite society of American teenagers, handpicked from all the schools in the country. They used advanced technology and ancient weapons to enter fan-fictions and protect the canon characters from Mary Sues- odious plot devices which act like black holes, sucking the story into an insipid template whirlpool of clothing and fornication.
The Antipodean Mary-Sue Elimination Guild, as it was called, was stationed in a relatively large house in small-town New Jersey, near Pennington. There were three floors: the top floor, used for mission preparation, which was when they came across a Mary Sue and went to kill it; the middle floor, used for training and sleeping, which was fairly self-explanatory; and the ground floor, which held the kitchen, living room, TV room, etc.
The AMSEG uniform consisted of black trousers, a black T-shirt, and a long black coat. The coat was home to six different types of weapon: the kusari-fundo, a four-foot-long chain with weights on either end; a bullwhip; a pistol; two sets of brass knuckles, objects fitted around the fingers to add force to a punch; a misericorde, a knife used to strike the death blow; and a set of LSE, lesser Sue equipment, which consisted of matches and a runcible spoon.
The AMSEG had thought it had been through as much as it was going to; it had visited fan-fictions of all quality and caliber, of every genre, and in the universe of every author it could possibly have. What they hadn't realized was that it could be invaded by Sues using the same technology as they used- which was, of course, what was about to happen.
The lead Sue, who had taken power through a perfect plan of pure propaganda and whose name started with Ursulane and had seventeen other words in it, was using a long pointer to emphasize certain points on a perfect military strategy.
"We skirt around the edges of the property," she said in her perfect voice, which sounded like angels singing to an accompaniment of the finest harp and little tinkling bells. "and attack from the front first. While they're busy with the front, the rest of us will approach from the other sides and besiege the place. It shouldn't be too difficult."
"But... but... besieging places isn't nice," said Mirialanna who had long shiny chestnut locks which fell to her waist in a cascade of loose waves. "I mean, wouldn't it be better to negotiate a solution which benefits all of us?"
"no" said Tara, a Goth Sue with black hair and dark pools of misery instead of eyes. "da AMSUK duznt dzerv 2 liv. mcr rox!"
"The AMSEG have killed many thousands of our relatives!" Ursulane rallied, pumping a perfect ivory fist decorated with immaculate crimson nail varnish. "It's no better than they deserve!"
"yah. urzelayn iz rite." the Goth Sue agreed.
Mirialanna nodded reluctantly. "So how will we do that?"
"Well, what weapons do we have?" Ursulane asked, looking out at the fourteen beautiful Sues she had assembled.
"I have a katana," said a fantasy Sue named Sumeni, waving it around.
"i got a rvolvr n bulletz!1111" Tara said. "i uzd it 2 kil 2 pervz hoo wr spIin on mi in da bafftubbb"
"I have a sonic phaser," Ensign Maire, a sci-fi Sue, called from the back.
"That'll have to do." Ursulane clapped her hands. Of course they would be able to siege AMSEG with just three weapons; they were Sues and therefore knew exactly what to do. "Come on, let's siege AMSEG headquarters!"
The rest of the Sues gave off a war cry that was truly terrifying to hear, and sprinted off towards the house. They all had perfect stamina and wouldn't even break a sweat on the way there; sweat is, in Mary-Sue-Land, smelly and disgusting and therefore a flaw.
As they had predicted (of course) the AMSEG headquarters was silent. Ursulane was sure that all the inhabitants were asleep- she was a Seer, as well. She ordered five Sues to the front of the house (she would join them later) and divided the rest into three groups of three, each of which took a side. The six Sues in the front began to make a racket, shooting off the phaser and generally making noise. Tara belted out the lyrics to some alt rock song to the accompaniment of the revolver. Ursulane winced. It wasn't perfect, but it would do.
The front door opened slowly, making a creaking noise...
Please excuse me for the obvious shout-out to My Immortal, an awful Harry Potter fan-fiction I once read. This is my first original fiction I'm actually having published, but I'm not asking you to be nice. Au contraire, be as harsh as you possibly can; I want to be the best writer I can be. Thanks! -Tom