Ignore it. "Oh, yeah, that sounds awesome! I wish I could have been there."
"Me too, I missed you so much." Ignore it.
"So, what else is new, Lexy?" I said ignore it.
Elexa thought for a moment, "Oh, not much. My boyfriend is still…him, my family is still them. I just changed addresses. Nothing is different."
I felt that familiar twang again, like the one bad note in an otherwise perfect song, a mosquito bite that I just couldn't scratch, a slap to the face I couldn't fight having. I felt that horrible sensation that other people have labeled so mildly as depression but I felt more powerfully than a clamp on my bones. Ignore it.
"Well that's good. So Charlie is doing ok, then?" I asked her, holding back a flinch.
"Oh yeah. That little runt is always getting into trouble, but what can I say, he's only four and it's to be expected." Elexa informed me.
I chuckled and nodded. Ignore it. "Yeah. He may be troublesome, but you have to love the kid." Ignore it!
"Yeah. But I have to get going, so I'll talk to you later ok, I have to pick Charlie up from day care."
I nodded. "Alight, see you later."
Elexa left without another word and closed the door hard behind her, so the slam of it echoed in my ears for what seemed like hours as I slumped to my knees, unable to support my own weight and burst into tears for a reason that not even I could explain. I sniffled and grabbed the closest thing I could for comfort, not caring what it was I brought the object into a deep embrace and nuzzled it lovingly. It wasn't much, but it took a little bit of the edge off my emotions; as though it were a living creature, just being there, holding me while I cried. Yet it wasn't as good, and I knew that.
At this moment, I wished I had my own Charlie to hold, a little boy that would ask few questions about my tears and just hold me with the undying, pure love of a child. Or even a cat or a dog would be a help. Instead of this…I looked down, only to see a large decorative candle. I was using a candle to comfort myself.
I'm so stupid. Honestly. I can't even carry on a conversation without wallowing in self pity. Oh, poor me, I'm alive, well guess what so is everyone else in the world, what makes you think that you're so special and get to be depressed? There are a lot of people in this world that have it a lot worse than you and they don't get anywhere near as depressed. And you want comfort. How sweet. What the Hell makes you think you deserve comfort? What do you do to deserve that? Who do you think you are to ruin someone else's day. No, you better just shut the fuck up and not bother anyone else. It's bad enough that you're crying like a little baby, no need to take it out on someone you care about. What kind of love would that be showing?
I began to cry harder at the brutality and truth of the words, kicking myself for tears spilling over my face, part of me loving that at long last they were coming out and another wondering why I was crying at all. My numbness was starting to kick in, so I wasn't feeling a whole lot anymore, which made it all the worse. I was so pathetic, I was crying without emotions. Another wave of tears spilled out of my eyes.
I lied down, and let the tears come out, exchanging the candle for a little stuffed elephant so I wouldn't feel so stupid. All the while, I got mental images of being hit with a wooden block for my stupidity and my tears. In my own mind I cowered to the corner, but I just let the beatings and the words come. I deserved them after all. I deserved this.
A/N: OK, first one shot and my first… Depressive… Story, so please please please review. I don't care how long it's been posted, your commentary is always welcome.