Musings from 2020


This series of poems was written almost 12 years ago, following the dramatic break down of an abusive, borderline paedophilic relationship. For each day I waited for him (and him I), I wrote a poem. It took me close to three years to be able to publish this series, essentially opening up about the single most damaging human being I've ever encountered. These poems are raw, undrafted, unedited. I could no longer bear to look at them following the 5th February 2009, for reasons which I will never bring myself to write.

The man to whom this series is dedicated is the primary reason that I became so damaged. He tortured my soul with deceit and stained my heart with his darkness. He was the ultimate tale of twisted and forbidden love with a tragic ending. If only that were true, and I weren't simply recounting the painful memories of an abuse of power and trust.

I despise that man for what I became and the narrative I fed myself for many years, however I cannot bring myself to completely regret the way he made me feel (was that even mine to feel?). He defiled my first experience of what I thought love was. The cost was high, paid in naivety, blood, and salty tears.

There is always a price to pay for whatever is too good to be true.

I leave you on that note to make what you will of my work. Our fictitious story will forever be untold. He is dead, and with his departure went all hope of any real closure.

My first love was a sinner and a fiend.
Once upon a time, I loved the Anti-Christ.


E2; 'Elusive dreams come true', but only while our lids shelter our hearts and minds from the truth. Finally, I am wide awake; I see you now.

~E1