Thoughts of loneliness 18.06.11

She looked at the picture, the little girl, laughing. Happiness, so naive. Carefree laughter and undying love for the blond girl laughing next to her.

She closed the album and her eyes, trying to forget the pictures. Trying to forget that the little girl was her. Trying to forget the happiness she had felt because it was all coming back to her mind. What she could have been, instead of this. Instead of sitting alone in that dark room with barely any air for breathing, looking at photos of a life she once had. Blurred memories fading in front of her eyes. She opened the album again, hoping she'd get all that back by just looking at the pictures. Staring long enough at them till she would be the pictures again, till she could forget the things she knows now and be like that again. Carefree... Till she could believe in the world again, in the people living in it, in herself. She wanted to believe the world was good and that life was bright and shiny. A time filled with happiness.

She needed to let go. She couldn't get that back. She always wanted to know everything. Now she does. She got everything she ever wanted, so why does it feel so wrong? Why is it causing her such pain?

She stood up wanted to put the book somewhere, where she'll never gonna find it again. So she could forget it even existed. Forget who she had been, once... It felt like forever ago that she had been that girl, even if it just has been about five years.

On her way to the storage rack a single picture was slowly floating down to the floor.

The blond girl sobbing and the little one putting an arm around her, looking like she was about to cry too.

She always cried when her sister did. Felt her pain like it was her own. Suddenly she realized it, the dimension of the things she did to her sister, she was supposed to love. The sister she loved, somewhere deep down in her lost, twisted soul. Somewhere in her heart, that got darker and broken over all the pain she felt and caused other people, there was one little light place. A place that was still the little girl she once was, trying to make things right, trying to be nothing but happy. But everyday with every word she says, every bad thought she has it's getting smaller, and smaller. It's just a matter of time till it's gone forever.

Staring at that one photo, for hours. She didn't even notice that the time is going by steadily. Suddenly the picture got wet, little water drops were dropping on it. She tried to figure out where they came from. Didn't find the answer, until she felt her face getting wet too. Teardrops were running down her face, crossing her jaw line till the finally hit the old picture. That was when she was collapsing, when she couldn't take it anymore, couldn't handle the pain and the loss of everything she used to love.

She was just just lying there, her fingers wrapped around the photo, not willing to ever let go of it. Her white dress shining in the darkness of the room and her long, curly black hair caressing her delicate face.

Everyone who didn't know her, who just saw the picture would have thought she was an angel. The way she lied there, she looked so innocent and vulnerable. Just the pretty shell of someone who wasn't there anymore, who died a long time ago. If you didn't know her you would think she had just fallen out of a book of fairytales. The princess waiting for the prince to save her, to have her happily ever after. She was snow white, her skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony. But if you'd take a deeper look, you would see the red circles around her eyes, the pain in her lineament and the lines of the tears that had been running down her face until she wasn't able to shed anymore tears. You would see that her ebony – colored hair and parts of her white dress were wet of the amount of tears she had shed during her dreamless, cold sleep.

But the first appearance isn't deceiving at all. She is an angel. A falling angel and she finally hit the ground. It was about time. She's got to hit rock bottom before she could stand up again and put the pieces together, of what once had been her life.