Trying to write a comedy at 11pm with an hour time limit really yields some entertaining results.

Written 2012.02.03


That morning, Jacob had been absolutely ecstatic. While brushing his teeth after breakfast, one of his teeth started to wiggle, and with a small tug, it fell out!

His mother told him that if he put it under his pillow, the tooth fairy would bring him money. As a result, the entire day Jacob had eagerly bounced around, looking forward to his bedtime for the first time in his life. When the time finally came for sleep, Jacob placed the tooth under his pillow, taking extra care to make sure it wouldn't roll off the bed.

He must've laid there for at least an hour, too eager to fall asleep, until finally his eyes closed and he fell into the gentle embrace of slumber.

His peaceful sleep was abruptly broken with the loud sound of a crash. Jacob's eyes sprung open.

"God-dammit!" A voice hissed next to his right ear.

What did 'dam it' mean? Jacob turned his head, and saw something that made his eyes open wide as baseballs.

A little man, at most six inches tall, was standing on his pillow! It was bald, and had a mean-looking face, scrunched like a pug. The little man's belly spilled out from the thin pink material he was dressed in. And there were two wings poking out from his back!

It… It was…

"A tooth fairy! It's a tooth fairy!" Jacob couldn't contain his enthusiasm.

The tooth fairy sighed, and put his hand over his forehead as if he had a terrible headache. "The brat wasn't supposed to wake up," he grumbled. "How am I supposed to explain this to the boss?"

"Oh my gosh, I can't believe it!" the little boy said. "Mister tooth fairy sir, can I have my money now?"

The tooth fairy gave him the meanest glare he'd ever seen.

"Alright, listen up, worm," the fairy growled, pointing a finger at Jacob's chin imposingly. (The gesture was redundant, as it virtually impossible to make a six-inch tall fairy clad in pink imposing.) "You're the twenty-second kid I've had to visit tonight. Twenty. Second. I'm tired and I don't want to deal with any kid's shit, especially not from a brat like you. So, here's what's gonna happen."

"Mister tooth fairy?"

"Shut up and let me finish! One: you're not gonna mention me to anyone, got it? Even if you do, no one will believe you anyway. Two: I'm gonna leave the money right here." The fairy pulled out two quarters from the bag on its back.

"But Mommy said the tooth fairy leaves a dollar, not fifty cents!"

"Yeah, well, I don't like you. Quit your bitching."

What did 'bitch-in' mean?

"Three," the fairy continued, "you're gonna quit your yapping and go back to sleep. Now."

"But I'm not tired…"

"Well that's just too bad then."

"I bet I could fall asleep if you told me a bed-time story!"

The tooth fairy groaned. "Alright, fine. One story, then I'm gone."

"Okay!"

"Once upon a time there was a princess. No one liked her. She died alone. The end."

And with a loud 'poof', the tooth fairy was gone.

Jacob frowned. Personally, he didn't think tooth fairies were very good story-tellers. But a story was a story. He rolled over back on his side, and let sleep claim him once more.


And for some strange, inexplicable reason, his mom didn't believe him when he told her about his meeting with the tooth fairy.

(But she did want to know where he heard 'dam it'.)