Marcia and David, as a couple, are eight-months-old, fresh as newborns. They lie naked in bed, like newborns tend to do, though it should be noted that typically newborns do not exchange tongues. A few minutes later, they return their tongues, without receipts, and Marcia begins wrapping David's hair in her fingers. She sighs that their relationship is growing up so fast. David looks at Marcia the same way a stranger might examine baby pictures presented to him by that random chick on the bus.
"I love you, David," Marcia says. David nods in agreement.
The silence is static noise from the talkative television. They've finished loving each other. Now what do they do?
"I know the perfect ice breaker," Marcia says. Considering they have known each other for over a decade, this is weird timing for an ice breaker. She squeals, "Let's each make lists of our sexual fantasies!"
David shrugs, Marcia looks like she's just eaten something mighty tasty, and they get started.
David feels like he's making a Christmas list for Santa. Only, instead of listing things socks, pillows, Super Smash Bros, David's list of desires is more like Teacher punishing student, cave man inventing fire through rubbing Marcia's body, Marcia being a shoe lace, David being the shoe lace tier.
He looks over at Marcia, wondering if she's as creative as he is, wondering if he wants her to be creative. Her face is so close to the paper it looks like she's eating it. David decides her fantasy is probably going to be dull - something like Man Having Sex with Woman. Or, Man So Bored with Woman He Falls Asleep while Woman Screams with Unexplainable Pleasure.
Marcia looks up. She's asks David, "Are you ready?"
David nods. He's been ready all his life, which began five seconds ago.
They exchange lists. Marcia reads over David's list, and laughs, which hurts a little. David begins reading Marcia's list, and screams.
Marcia's List of Sexual Fantasies
By Marcia Jacobs
1. A man in any setting who does not want to transform the woman into an object or piece of property
2. A man who, when the woman begins to cry, listens to her problems.
David closes his mouth, sentencing his scream to a few years behind the bars of his teeth. "Marcia," David says. "You are a crazy girl."
Marcia and David look at one another. "Whose fantasy should go first?" David says. "Do you think it should be mine?" He rephrases this, "So, you think it should be mine?"
Marcia gives him a peck on the cheek, like she's a humming bird no longer afraid of kissing humans thanks to social anxiety medication. "Actually, we should do mine first," Marcia smiles. "How about the one where you don't want to transform me into an object?"
David consents, but proposes they go to the bathroom to do this. Marcia looks nothing like the bathtub or the shower curtain, but sort of like their bedroom curtains and dresser drawer. David reasons that he will be more successful seeing her as a person in the bathroom. The bathroom is David's favorite room; it's the room where he gets all his thinking done. All of it. In the bathroom, David is nothing less than Yue-Lao, god of love, capable of binding two people together with a nifty, invisible red string. He is going to make Marcia sweat enough sweat droplets to fill the bathtub and drown in it.
But how to love and respect a woman? That is the question. There are five billion and six pick up lines floating in the universe at any given moment in time, but for some reason, few are about respect. Fortunately, David has seen a few movies starring respectful Southern gentlemen, including but not limited to Harrison Ford in Cowboys vs. Aliens, and he is confident he can deliver Marcia some Southern swag. Marcia and David hit the bathroom floor. He says, his voice scanned into a Southern accent conversion device,, "You are very respectable woman, I declare!"
Marcia breathes, frantically. "Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh! Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!" she moans."OH ME! OH MY! YES! YES! KEEP GOING!"
"You are really fun to travel with," David says. "I don't know why anyone enrolls in college when they can just talk to you for free and get the same kind of education from speaking to you."
Dogs are incapable of panting the way Marcia was panting, though many have tried. Marcia is not an object, David repeats to himself while looking at the toilet. She looks nothing like the toilet. She is not an object, because she looks nothing like objects, such as this here toilet.
"You are a woman," David whispers into her ear. Her body rattles like a snake inside of his. "I do not..." He almost makes it to the finish line of that sentence, but the banner at the end of the finish line reads, "own you" and David has trouble with lies.
"You do not...?" Marcia says, waiting for the sentence to end, looking anxiously into David's eyes like someone watching the New Year's Eve ball get stuck in the middle of dropping.
"You're mine!" David cries out. He kisses Marcia, hard. She pulls away. He pulls back. Two children argue over a toy car shaped like a tongue. My tongue! No! Miiiinnnnne.
Marcia begins to cry. David remembers the next thing on her list: Listen to her problems.
"What's your problem?" David asks, scooping her chin up in his hands. David tries again; somehow that came out wrong. "...What is your problem?" Still no good. . "What is your trouble? What is your discontent? What is your doubt?"
"Well," Marcia starts, slithering out of his body. She stands.. "I just feel like, you know, you don't really think about what I want sometimes...or care..."
She stops. Mission "Listen to Marcia Speak" Accomplished.
Now that he has finished listening to Marcia, David believes it is her turn to transform into his sexual fantasy.
"Okay, so," David says, standing up. "You are a shoe, and I'm going to tie you up."
He has a giant rope handy in his pocket. Marcia whimpers. She's always had a fear of being a shoe. David slams her on the ground, and begins tying her. She calls David cruel.
"I'm not David right now!" David says. "I am a foot. You are a shoe. Shoes don't talk. Get in character, Marcia...No! Shoes don't cry." Isn't that a movie title?
But Marcia doesn't stop crying. "You don't see me as a person!" Marcia yells.
So David changes gears. He takes off his foot persona, and becomes David. "That's because these are sexual fantasies! You're not a person while we're having sex. You're whatever I want you to be, because it's my sexual fantasy."
His words sound so obvious to him he wonders why he even has to explain this to this stupid girl. Maybe she is a shoe after all.
"I want to be Marcia," Marcia says, sadly.
"Hmmmmm," David contemplates, calculating various emotions to determine if Marcia, as Marcia, will please him (note for innocent readers: on a sexual level). Marcia, as Marcia, makes David somewhat sad and bored. But when Marcia is Marcia, Marcia is happy. When Marcia is happy, her breathing increase. And this may makes David happy.
"Okay, sure, yeah, alright," David says. "You may be Marcia, Marcia - if you don't mind me calling you that."
But he can't quite get the image right. He's starring right at Marcia, but he can't figure out how to make the sexual fantasy work.
Picture Marcia! David yells so loudly inside his mind he feels his brain actually move slightly to the left, as if about to make a run for it.
Hillary Clinton on a jet ski.
A man shooting an arrow with a woman riding on the arrow. The arrow being shot into the stomach of a goat.
A woman who is dressed as a Kindle book, who has her electronic pages turned by a man.
A Slurpee that tastes like a woman.
Yes! Yes! Yes! It is all so wonderful.
But David still does not see Marcia. He decides that can be cured with some simple role playing. He pretends that Marcia is Waldo, and he resolved to find her, like the true love story Where's Waldo? always was to him.
"Where are you, Marcia?" David yells.
"You can find me!" Marcia cries back. "I'm right here!"
It's like hide-and-seek. David says, "Where? Where? Where?"
Marcia waves her arms, calling for him from the shore. He flies around on his airplane, spraying his spotlights everywhere, but always missing Marcia.
And then he sees her. This time he sees Marcia in her fullest: eyes like beach balls, a love for mystery novels, a fondness for the Beatles, a passion for photography. He would like to ask this person about her hobbies, her hopes, her dreams, but then she disappears. She transforms into a church, one of those old fashioned chapels. He becomes the state. Which state? Maybe New Jersey.
The two love birds keep on pumping gas into each other's bodies. He finishes, she finishes, but something has gone wrong: They are stuck, and they are hidden, and they are buried far away from one another. So help him God, so help him the separation of church and the state, and of sex and life. He is stuck inside of her, even though he cannot even see her as anything but a body.