A/N I wrote this skit in drama class for a characterization assignment. When a couple classmates and I performed this, I played Mitchie the Fish. Lots of physicality required. Please review!
(Lights up on 6 people and a goldfish. There is a chair for each, plus one extra (8 chairs) and a table with burritos
ROXI, a young, optimistic psychologist, is seated Center Stage.
REMEDY, a pretty young ballet dancer, seated Stage Right.
LORENZO, a seemingly intelligent, young, guy, seated Stage Right
MITCHIE, Lorenzo's large pet fish, who wears a bowl over her head, seated Stage Right
OLIVER, a mentally unstable guy with a Nacho Libre mask, seated Stage Right
ZABRI, an eccentric, misunderstood teenager, seated Stage Left
DANNY, a tormented werewolf, seated Stage Left.
All are eating burritos)
ROXI: Alright! I'm kinda new at this, but let's get started. I'm Roxi, and I'll be your psychologist this evening. Let's get started by saying a little bit about ourselves and why we are here.
REMEDY: I'm Remedy, and I've got… family issues.
ALL: Hi, Remedy.
OLIVER: (dramatically) I'm Oliver, and my dreams are crushed! I've been waiting, searching all my life for a Unicorn, but everyone says they don't exist! And I have an itch!
ALL: (awkwardly) hi… Oliver…
ZABRI: Where's the itch?
OLIVER: (smiles, giggles)
ROXI: Ok, let's get back on track. (to LORENZO) So! Your turn! What are you here for?
LORENZO: (munching on a burrito, drops it) Crap. Umm… Uh… I'm Lorenzo van Matterhorn, and I'm here for the… umm… burritos. It's my fish, Mitchie that has issues. I'm acting as the translator.
MITCHIE: (angrily) Glub.
LORENZO: She says, "Hi, I'm Mitchie. I… love you all." I don't see why she's so cheerful, but that's a mystery we'll never know the answer to…
ALL: Hi, Mitchie and Lorenzo.
ZABRI: I'm Zabri, and I hate beige. My bathroom is beige, my house is beige, and my whole FRICKIN LIFE is BEIGE!
ALL: Hi, Zabri.
DANNY: I'm Danny, and you wanna know what my problem is?
ROXI: Well, that's kinda the point of us all being here…
DANNY: Every night, every stinkin' night, I turn into a big, hairy, werewolf!
ROXI: That's… Interesting.
ALL: Hi, Danny.
ROXI: Ok, is that everyone? OK, let's move on.
(Enter ERNEST, a weird, messy middle-aged man with a motionless, smelly cat. Alive or dead?)
ERNEST: Sorry I'm late. I dropped my cat down the storm drain… again.
REMEDY: So, who are you? Just some random old geezer, or what?
ERNEST: (to the cat) Everyone says that.
ROXI: So, what's your problem? I mean, why are you here?
ERNEST: I just got back from my cat's funeral.
LORENZO: (mouthful of burrito, spits some of it out, loudly says something unintelligible, goes back to stuffing his face)
ROXI: Hey! Have some respect! Let's move on now.
(this part of the story goes by quickly, with weirdness after weirdness happening)
OLIVER: (to ROXI) Wait a minute! Why are you here? What's your problem?
ROXI: Well... Alright. I'll tell you. (Goes into a long, rambling explanation about falling for her depressed best friend. It is long.) And that's why I'm emotionally unstable! Movin' on!
OLIVER: The UNICORNS! They left for Candy Mountain and didn't take me! The poor, kidneyless unicorns!
DANNY: I'm a hideous monster.
ZABRI: (to Ernest) Is that cat breathing?
ERNEST: No. Go away. (pets cat)
REMEBY: (exits, crying)
ZABRI: (rises) I'll go talk to her. (exits after REMEDY)
LORENZO: (mouthful of burrito, to ERNEST) Can I have that cat?
LORENZO: Mitchie! What a wonderful idea!
(ZABRI and REMEDY enter)
ROXI: Are you ready to tell us what's wrong?
REMEDY: (crying) I'm… I'm pregnant.
LORENZO: (Burrito-ful mouth, jumps up) WHAT?
REMEDY: (crosses to LORENZO) I wanted to tell you, but, I just couldn't.
LORENZO: That's my legacy in there!
REMEDY: I know, I'm sorry!
DANNY: At least your baby will be normal… mine will be a hideous monster!
OLIVER: I wish I had a unicorn baby…
LORENZO: Mitchie! How could you say such a thing? (sits down, noms on burrito)
ROXI: Alright! Can we get back on track, Please?
ZABRI: THIS ROOM IS BEIGE!
Danny: Chill out, bro.
Hey: (To DANNY) She is not your bro! (to ZABRI) and you need to chill out!
LORENZO: (To REMEDY) That better be my baby in there!
REMEDY: It is! I think, maybe…
LORENZO: (to MITCHIE) Not now!
LORENZO: (to MITCHIE) Don't talk back to me!
DANNY: What is she saying?
LORENZO: None of your beeswax!
OLIVER: Do unicorns make beeswax?
ERNEST: I hate beeswax.
ZABRI: Burt's Bees! Chap Stick!
OLIVER: ooh! That's good Chap Stick. It's all tingly…
LORENZO: (aimed at REMEDY) That's what she said.
REMEDY: Lorenzo, Please! Can't we talk about this?
LORENZO: No, I'm only here for the burritos. (large bite of burrito)
REMEDY: (talking very fast) Well, I'm gonna have to drop out of school and somehow tell my family and what about my job and what about food for the baby, and this and that…
ERNEST: Here we go again…
REMEDY: I thought you were here for me!
LORENZO: No, I'm here for Mitchie.
ZABRI: No offense, but what kinds of problems would an animal have?
DANNY: Well, for starters, I ate my last girlfriend!
ERNEST: Well, I'm late for my bingo tournament now.
ROXI: (facepalm) Why am I here right now?
DANNY: There is hair all over me! Ear hair is NOT attractive!
ZABRI: (to LORENZO) How many burritos have you eaten?
LORENZO: I dunno, like, ten.
ERNEST: (rises to go) I gotta go…
ROXI: SIT DOWN!
(ERNEST sits, terrified)
LORENZO: Mitchie, this is none of your business. Stay out of this!
(silence, LORENZO drops burrito)
ZABRI: Did the fish just talk?
MITCHIE: (rises) Yes! Yes I did talk! I usually don't like to, but I couldn't stand it anymore! You're MORONS! Especially you. (to LORENZO) I loathe you. You are the Worst owner/translator in the world! You haven't understood a word I've said!
DANNY: Dude, No one's understood a word you've said.
MITCHIE: BE QUIET, you hairy freak! (to OLIVER) And you. You're insane. Everyone knows unicorns don't exist! (to REMEDY and LORENZO) You treat me like I'm stupid, a lowly animal trapped in this horrible bowl! (rips bowl off head) Well, no one pays any attention to the lowly fish on the shelf, and I know for a fact that is NOT your baby in there! IT ISN'T! Now take this. I'm done with all of you. (exits, slams door)
DANNY: Did we just get Punk'd?
OLIVER: Did that fish just get up and walk out of here?
ERNEST: Weirdo. (goes back to talking to the cat)
LORENZO: Whatever she did, I'm going after my fish. (rises, exits)
REMEDY: (angry) Our fish! O.U.R. FISH! (follows)
OLIVER: I wonder if they have unicorn-hunting apps…
ROXI: I hate this job. You're all insane. Solve your own stupid problems. (rises, exits)
ZABRI: What now?
DANNY: Should we go to Starbucks?
ZABRI: No, the walls there are beige.
OLIVER: And coffee doesn't agree with me.
ERNEST: Whatever. I'm going home to watch Cops. (rises, exits)
DANNY: It's a good thing he left. I thought I saw maggots crawling out of the cat's eyes….
(all think for a minute, shiver)
OLIVER: Well, I want a cheap, greasy burger with no taste. Wanna come? (rises)\
ZABRI: I'm in! (rises)
DANNY: Meat… (rises)
(they cross to door)
OLIVER: (laughing like he's telling a joke) So the unicorn says to the platypus…
DANNY: (interrups) Shut up.