Poisoned With Love
They had been talking on the phone for a month straight. Then they started texting for a few days when he asked her if she wanted to be his girlfriend. She had only been a girlfriend once and that ended terribly. She wanted company and this seemed the only way to get it. She was excited that he had finally asked her, since she was so accustomed to seeing him in group therapy. Although she had wanted to go out on an actual date, now she didn't have to worry about that.
Her name was Megan. His was Isaac. They lived far apart from each other. However on that day, he wanted to go pick her up and take her to his apartment. And so he did. "Hey," he smiled and got out of the car. "So, does your dad want to meet me?"
"Not yet." Megan said. She hadn't even told him yet. She hadn't told her dad about the boy she had been talking to. She hung up when he entered the room when she and Isaac were on the phone. She didn't think it was a big deal; she was just talking to a boy.
"Okay," Isaac went around to the passenger side and opened the door for her. He was a little disappointed, he thought she would be proud to present him to her father, but she seemed ashamed. He didn't want to talk about it. What use would it be?
She got into the car and he closed the door. He got in, and then he stared over at her. He wanted to kiss her right then, but he held back. He started the car and he smiled. He had the girl.
He wasn't really listening when she was talking. He was too focused on the road. She was talking about school, he was almost certainly sure it was about her university classes.
They reached his apartment in half an hour. She got very quiet as she followed him upstairs to his apartment. He unlocked the door and let her go in first. She walked over to the couch and then began to glance at the photos on his wall. They were scenes of various beaches.
"So, what do you want to do?" Isaac asked.
"We can watch TV." Megan suggested. She sat on the couch. He smiled and grabbed the remote off the table in the kitchen. He sat down next to her. He turned on the TV and started flipping through the channels. She started saying, "No." He would change the channel, "No," and again she would say, "No." Then finally it got to Family Guy and she said, "Yeah!"
He put down the remote and settled onto the sofa. He moved closer to her, she didn't seem to mind. She didn't notice that he was staring at her. He was waiting for the perfect moment. She was laughing and completely swallowed up in the crude comedy. Then he saw it, she wasn't laughing, she wasn't smiling, she wasn't angry, she was just there, and that's when he did it, he kissed her. She was very receptive. Now she had no interest in the television show.
They kissed for half an hour, and then she asked, "Why did you pick me?"
He kissed her again, and then pulled back, "Because I'm single and I don't want to be anymore."
They lied next to each other on the sofa. She held onto him and he petted her hair, they were quiet. She glanced at her watch, "I got to get back home. Got class tomorrow."
He nodded and started pushing himself onto his feet. She edged her way off the couch and stood up. He cleared his throat and went to get his keys.
"Omigosh, omigosh!" Megan was overwhelmed. Her body rushing with hormones, her head charged with endorphins and she believed she didn't have enough of it. She began to write in her diary. She said she felt much happier than normal. She thought he might be feeling likewise at that moment. She sat down on her bed, then reached over to the switch and extinguished the light.
At that instant, Isaac was lying on his back thinking about Megan. He felt like he was on drugs and he hoped she was feeling the same.
Megan heard her phone chime as she sat outside on a bench at her university. She smiled then pulled the phone out of her right pocket and opened the text message. "Hi." It said. "Hey." She responded. She couldn't wait to see him again and she typed it out on the keyboard. She went to class and couldn't concentrate on what her English professor was saying. When class was over she stared at her blank notepaper. She packed up her stuff and pulled out her phone, then resumed texting Isaac.
He picked her up again and took her to his apartment. "How was work?" she asked.
"It pays the bills. I'm so sore." He said. He picked up the remote and turned on the TV. He put in a DVD and settled down next to her, putting his arm on her shoulder. She got shudders inside. "I haven't seen this movie."
"You haven't?" Megan felt the warmth drag down inside her, even though it was winter, it felt like she'd never be cold because he would always be holding her. A lifetime passed in her mind. She could imagine herself being with him that long.
They didn't say anything throughout the whole movie. Of course, they made out again. She didn't understand the movie anyway, some guy was either time traveling to the past or the future, and she didn't care now.
Megan was off the day before Thanksgiving. She glanced at the book for English and then stared at her Gender Relations notes. She was too distracted thinking about Isaac. She kept getting a pull in her stomach. She gasped and tried to regain her composure. She was wracked with new feelings; she had never felt this way before. She then examined her History book and kept hearing Isaac's voice in her head. He kept saying how he wanted to see her again.
He picked her up in the evening and she helped him make a cherry pie. She kept laughing while he said that if she liked his family, she would make the edges of the pie perfect. "I don't get affection so I give it a lot." He said as he kissed her.
The next day, Megan tried not to look like she was trying too hard. She curled her hair and put on her special purple eye shadow that was so precious because they didn't make it anymore. She couldn't think of anything to do with her time, she walked back and forth down the halls of her apartment. She was alone, her dad was at work. Though it was 6 hours early she texted Isaac, she wanted to be with him.
Isaac took Megan to the grocery store to buy some candy and soda. She didn't drink soda, but when he handed it to her, she felt obligated to drink it. They arrived at his apartment and watched TV again. He put his arm around her and pulled her closer to him, "Do you really like me?"
"Yeah." Megan stated quietly. "Do you like me?"
"Hell, yeah!" he said. He started kissing her, and then his phone rang. He pulled away, "Can you get it for me?" He pointed to his phone charging in the chair next to the bed. She handed it to him, "Hey, Bro," he answered.
She got up and went down the hall to the bathroom. She began to gaze in the mirror. Her lipstick was all smudged on her face; she washed it off and then stared at herself again. She wasn't sure what it was, but she couldn't look at herself anymore.
At dinner, Megan was quiet, Isaac's mom talked a lot, and then his sister mentioned winning a chimichanga eating contest. His mom was loud and constantly yelling at her kids. It seemed she didn't take a breath, she just kept talking. When they were done eating, Isaac and her sat on the couch, he held her hand.
Afterwards, driving her home he said, "Thank you for coming."
"I didn't say anything though." She felt stupid for it.
"I needed you there."
"You met my mom… she never shuts up. I needed to get away from that."scenessc
"Dad, I've been seeing somebody." Megan mentioned to him as he was cleaning out the fridge. He stopped what he was doing and glanced up at her; he closed the fridge and gave her his attention.
"When did this start?"
"Well, it's Isaac. The guy I was hanging out with."
"How long have you been dating him?
"This week. I mean we talked on the phone for a long time. And we met in the summer, so I've known him for awhile."
"Where did you meet him?"
"I want to meet him."
"What are you going to say to him?" Megan asked Isaac on the phone.
"Um, 'Hi, I'm dating your daughter?' I don't know." Isaac sighed heavily. "I'll figure it out when I get there."
"Hello, Mr. Moore." Isaac shook his hand as they met in the kitchen of Megan's apartment. "I'm Isaac. How are you doing?"
"I'm doing fine. Well, I figured that," Megan's dad said. "Call me Charlie."
Megan zoned out through the rest of the conversation, she was happy that her father seemed to like her boyfriend.
A week went by, and then they had their first fight on the phone. He started calling her mean and she started calling him a bastard. Eventually he called her a bitch and she hung up on him.
They made up a few days later. They both said they were sorry. He brought her over to his apartment. They made dinner together and then they watched TV. They didn't say much, and then as he lie on top of her on the couch, he felt uncomfortable. "Let's go to my bedroom." He gazed deep into her eyes and she broke eye contact to stare at the ceiling. Megan's heart raced and she contemplated the meaning of his statement.
She felt at her dress and then returned her gaze to his. "Okay."
They were quiet on the drive back to her apartment. He had his left hand on the steering wheel and his right held her left hand and had it against the inside of her left thigh. She drank in his warmth and leaned her head back against the headrest. She couldn't look at him. She wondered if she would appear different to her father.
A few weeks later, the fall semester was almost over. Megan went to meet her friend, Georgia. They were studying different subjects, but they were together at the same table, in the same room, which hadn't happened for awhile. When they were finished, Georgia took them out to eat. "How do you think you're going to do on your final?"
"I think I'll be okay." Megan hadn't studied much; she had spent almost every night at Isaac's apartment. She texted him during class and occasionally had lunch with him on campus.
"I have news."
"I applied for a job."
"Oh, congratulations." Megan was secretly jealous; she had never been able to get a job since she started at school.
"The only thing, it's in Korea."
"Korea?" Megan's heart sped up and thudded heart against her ribcage. Blood coursed in her ears revealing a hard knocking against her skull.
"It's a great opportunity. Imagine that on a résumé!"
Megan drove to Isaac's apartment. She knocked on the door. "Isaac!" she said loudly.
He answered it, "What?" he opened the door vigorously. "Oh, Megan."
"How are you? You didn't text me back."
"Sorry. I just got some shit I need to deal with." He sighed, "Come in." He backed up opening the door wider and then let her enter. She noticed that there were several boxes and a roll of duct tape sitting in front of the fridge.
"I'm being fuckin' evicted!" he yelled.
"What happened?" she asked again.
"I just got behind on my rent."
"Where are you gonna go?"
"Back home. Just until I can save enough money to get my own place again." He sighed, "I got fired 2 days ago."
"I'm so sorry."
"You shouldn't be here." Megan watched him as he sauntered down the hall. She left quietly.
A few days later, "Come on, Isaac." Megan had sent him 4 texts and he hadn't answered. "Answer me." She stared at her phone. She decided to call him.
"What the hell do you want?" Isaac was impertinent.
"Why are you yelling at me?"
"Cuz you're bothering me." He hung up.
It was like that for a week. He ignored her texts and yelled at her on the phone. Megan met with Georgia. She told her about Isaac, how he was so mean lately. Georgia suggested she break up with him. Megan didn't like the idea but Isaac was entirely too crabby and it didn't seem to be coming to an end. She called him on the phone and told him it wasn't working. Isaac merely said, "Okay."
He was settled in his room he had growing up, his belongings unpacked and his bed without sheets. He hated that he was back home, living with his 2 younger siblings who actually had jobs. He was so mad at Megan, he punched the nearest box. He pulled his fist and examined it. He wished there was a wedding band on his finger, the girl was gone.
Two weeks passed. It was a week into the New Year. Megan was excruciatingly lonely. Her dad was working all the time, Georgia had moved to Korea and anybody else she'd ever considered a friend wouldn't talk to her at all. She had nobody. She texted Isaac, "Can we still be friends?"
Isaac got the text and immediately responded with a "Yes, can we hang out tonight?"
Megan waited outside her apartment in the cold waiting for him. He came in a different car. She got in. "How are you?"
"How have you been?"
"Uh…. Well, I sent out a lot of résumés, haven't heard anything yet."
"What's with the new car?"
"It's my mom's. Mine got repossessed."
She was about to ask, "What happened?" but she knew he was tired of her asking that question. He wouldn't answer anyway. He stared straight ahead at the road; he didn't even glance at her. She stared at him, trying to see what she once saw.
They had been riding awhile when finally Isaac asked what he was desperately yearning to ask, "Why did you break up with me?"
Megan was hoping he wouldn't ask but now that he had, she had to answer it. "A lot of reasons. We kept fighting, we didn't see each other that much, and that's just a few. You started treating me really bad."
Isaac wanted to argue he did no such thing, but he knew it was a lie; he just nodded his head, "I am sorry." He cleared his throat, "Can I have a kiss?"
"We're not dating anymore."
"Friends kiss!" He insisted.
She looked up at the light that was turning red, "At this light."
When they got there, she veered to him, he was facing straight ahead. She leaned in, then was surprised to find that he turned to her so she ended up kissing him on the lips and not the cheek like she intended.
There was an In N Out Burger up ahead, that's what Megan recalled when Isaac said this. "So what do you want in a boyfriend?"
"I don't know. Funny and nice."
"What would he be wearing?"
Isaac wondered if he had any of those. "There's got to be something I can buy to get you back."
She ignored him. That life she had imagined was over.
In total, they drove around for 2 hours, and then he took her home. As she was about to get out of the car, he locked the door. "Gimme a kiss."
"I already kissed you."
"Getting out requires one kiss."
She sat there for a few minutes and then said, "On the cheek." He tilted his head up then stared at the steering wheel as she was leaning in; she gave him a peck on the cheek. He smiled and then unlocked the door.
When she was inside, her dad asked her, "How was hanging out with your ex?"
"I think he wants to get back together."
"Does he want to be friends?"
"Friends who kiss!" she said querulously.
Isaac knocked at the door. Megan answered it, "Hey."
"Hey." He half smiled.
"Yeah." She stepped back and then let him in. It was quiet between them. "I didn't think you were really coming."
"Well, I was in the neighborhood. Had to talk to my case manager."
She was going to ask, "About what?" But she said nothing. He sat on the other love seat across from her. She was hunched over and leaning into her hands which clasped each other. She straightened up, "I miss you." She had this idea that would just ask how they were as a couple, but she didn't say that. She wanted to come out and beg him to take her back but she didn't. She had felt alone but with him there, a sense of complete wholeness coated her like paint.
"I miss you, too," he answered.
She felt relieved; she feared that he was going to just completely brush her silent plea off. He beckoned her to where he was sitting. She approached and stood in front of him veering down to his eyes. She sat down next to him and he pulled one of her legs over his. He leaned over and kissed her on the lips. Her face remained still. Then he moved away and then looked at her. He was hypnotized with her. He thought about how empty he had felt without her. And he thought about how nice he could be this time. He leaned over again, she met his lips with a kiss, it was just like they used to. He pulled back, a smile laden with happiness, an acceptable burden. "Are we friends?" she asked.
"We're more than friends." He answered.
She took her car and came to visit him at his house. They stayed in his room. Isaac made a phone call to one of his friends and he then lied beside Megan on the bed. It was twin size, they both barely fit. She was sliding off and she had to lean on her forearm to keep herself up. It was very uncomfortable and she said so but Isaac was quiet. She got up and went out the door. Isaac assumed she was going to use the restroom so he didn't think anything of it.
She viewed herself in the mirror. She felt incredibly sad, nothing was worse than awkward silence at that moment. She went into the kitchen. She sat down at the table and stared off at the painted rose framed across from her. Isaac's mom came over as she was sweeping. "What's the matter?" She asked.
"Nothing," Megan sighed, "He's just not talking."
Isaac's mom went over to his room and opened the door. She asked him what his problem was and he said nothing. Megan sat at the table a few more minutes then rubbed her eye. "Are you crying?"
She shook her head. She got up and returned to Isaac's room. She looked at her stuff next to the bed. "Do you want me to go?"
"What?" Megan hadn't expected him to say that.
"You want me to leave?"
"But, Isaac, I came all this way to be with you. I wanna be with you." She whined, "I wanna be with you."
Isaac didn't say anything for awhile, and then he beckoned her over to him. "Why don't you tell me about your day."
Megan swallowed and closed her eyes, "I went to school. Had Geology and Spanish and Math." She inhaled, grasping at the clear air around her, she felt contaminated by the previous silence. She wanted the instant to be pervaded with clarity.
"How was it?"
"Well, I got a call from Georgia." Her voice was beginning to break. Isaac could see she was going to cry, he leaned closer and put his arms around her, "she's-" her voice broke completely and tears beginning spilling from their home in her eyes. He pulled her close to him, her chin on his shoulder.
"Babe," he said, "I don't wanna see you cry."
She sobbed. It was a few minutes when her chest stopped heaving and she was quiet when Isaac let her go and she pulled herself back to sit on the side on the bed. "She's in Korea. She's so far away from me. I can't talk to her like I used to. I miss her so much!" she wiped her eyes and sniffled.
A few weeks went by, they were getting along. Megan lost interest in her extracurricular activities and her classes. She never studied and texted Isaac while in her classes. So when midterm grades were posted, she had D's and F's.
They were kissing on the couch when Megan heard him unzipping his pants. She felt his hand on the back of her head grab a fistful of hair. He then pushed her down, she resisted, "No." She said. His eyes were angry. He let her up and released his grip on her hair, she pulled back. She turned away from him and then he grabbed her hair again and brought her over to his face, he resumed kissing her, like nothing had happened.
His hand began to clench at her hair and she could feel him pushing her again, she went down and she put her hand on his leg to urge herself back away from him. "No," she said again.
He put it away and zipped up his pants, however uncomfortable he felt, he realized she wasn't going to do it. She got up and went to the bathroom. She closed the door and found herself staring at her reflection. Her eyes were dull, lipstick was smudged across her face and her hair was disheveled. She put her hand on the back of her head, she attempted to smooth it out but the tangles were locked into her hair.
She came out and returned to his room; Isaac was sitting on the edge of the bed with a pipe in his hand. "What's that?" she asked.
He lit it with a lighter, "Weed." He said. Megan's heart raced. She didn't know he did that. He inhaled then blew out smoke. The smell permeated the room quickly.
She sat down on the floor. "Where did you get that?"
"Oh, it's around."
She rolled her eyes, "Why do you need to do that?"
"Because you didn't give me head."
Megan woke up in her bed; she stared at the curtains that fluttered in front of her. She heard wind rushing through the screen as the window was open. "Dad?" She called groggily. "Dad?"
Nobody answered. She pushed herself up and the first thought that was in her mind was Isaac. She got chills inside. There was a tinkling noise; she picked up her phone from on top of her jewelry box. She saw she had a new text message from her boyfriend. She opened it and then read it to herself, "Are you free tonight?"
She began to type on the keyboard, "Yes, I am." She got up out of bed and went into the hall. She found her way to the kitchen and yawned. She walked forward to the sink when she heard crunching beneath her feet. She looked down to see lots of broken glass. She heard her phone tinkling in her hand. She backed up feeling tremendous pain in her feet. "Ow!" she saw bloody footprints on the floor. When she veered up, the kitchen was gone; it was a room with black walls. She walked forward, the glass crunching louder and louder until it was a deafening roar. Her feet left more bloody footprints.
She fell to the ground; landing on all fours, her palms being pierced by the glass. There was a reflection in the glass, it was of Isaac. "Keep walking." He said. Her left palm slipped and her neck met the ground. The glass pierced her neck; it began slice through until her head was hanging on a thick tendon. She stood up and took a step forward; the motion was violent enough to shake her head loose. It hit the floor with a cracking noise. She tripped over her head and landed flat on the floor. The glass perforated her entire front. Her hands manically attempted to grasp at her head. It rolled to one side and her eyes peered into the broken glass. "I pretend they're not there." Isaac said.
Megan woke up, she heard her phone tinkling. She lifted her head, and then let it fall back into the pillow.
"Go get me another beer." Isaac said forcefully.
Megan rolled her eyes, but exited the room. She went to the fridge and opened it. She grabbed a can and returned to the room. She handed it to him. He popped it open and took a gulp.
"You want to go for a drive?" He asked.
"No, you've been drinking."
"I've only had 3 beers." He moved himself to sit cross-legged on the floor. He took another sip. "Gimme a kiss."
"No!" her voice was in a higher pitch than normal, "You taste like beer."
He texted her the next day and asked her if she was free. She wasn't, she had a club meeting, but she wanted to spend time with Isaac. She drove over to his place to pick him up. They were quiet in the car. Then he asked her if she wanted to park. Megan didn't know what that was. "Pull into the corner and I'll show you." She did so and he got out of the car. He got into the backseat. She followed him.
They were kissing. Megan then suddenly pulled away and asked him, "Do you understand me?"
"Do you understand me?"
"No. But you don't understand me either." He said. She was straddled across his lap; she pushed herself off and sat beside him. She stared out the window. "Come on." He pulled her back and kissed her. She shoved him away.
He got up and moved on top of her, "Is this what you want?" He unzipped her jeans and pulled them down to the middle of her thighs. He then grabbed the hem of her panties and pushed it to the right side next to her leg. He extended his middle and index fingers and inserted them inside her. He started a rhythm that made her moan. He started kissing her, slipping her the tongue here and there, then he pulled his fingers out and brought them to his mouth, he sucked on them then reached across to her lips and smeared it on.
He kissed her and then finally he stopped. She buttoned up her jeans, "I got to get home."
Two days later, she got up early to meet him. They drove for breakfast and then she started heading back to his place when he asked her, "Why don't you let me borrow your car?"
"I won't let anything happen to it. I just need to go see my friend."
"Can't you use your mom's car?"
"She's at work."
Megan murmured, "Fine." She changed the direction she was driving. When they got to the school, she handed him the keys. "Please take care of my car."
He smiled as he got into the driver's seat. She walked away thinking about how she couldn't let her dad find out she leant out her car. She wasn't supposed to let anyone else drive it.
A few hours later she found out that Isaac had been in a car accident. Her car couldn't be repaired. She got yelled at when she talked about it with her father.
At night while she lied in bed, she thought about how her car was gone, and then she thought about what kind of relationship she was in. She and Isaac had barely talked. She couldn't figure out why she liked him.
She checked her email. She was surprised to get a message from Georgia. She read how well Georgia was doing, and then she thought about how she was doing. She was failing in all her classes; her work wasn't done to the best of her effort. She didn't talk to her boyfriend. She now had no car. She hadn't done anything with her club. She didn't get to talk to anybody and her dad was always working. She couldn't see anything good in her life. That night tears spilled from her eyes into her pillow. She sobbed quietly and then it got louder, nobody was there to hear it.
She texted Isaac. She wanted to tell him how she was feeling but he just kept ignoring her questions and whatever he said, he just said something that had nothing to do with it. When she said he was driving her crazy, he said, "You need help!" It made her cry. It turned into wailing. She wanted to break up with him, but she couldn't bear to do it again. She had had this sinking feeling inside her stomach. She never wanted to feel that feeling ever again.
She was with Isaac in his room. He was watching TV while she sat on the edge of the bed. She turned to him, "Hey."
"Hey." He answered.
"Do you want to do something?"
"A drive maybe."
"Megan!" he yelled out of nowhere.
Her heart started racing. "What?"
He laughed. "Hey, you wanna touch my cock?"
"We're in the car," she said.
"No." She asserted.
"Why are you being a bitch?"
He started mimicking the sound of her moaning in bed. Then he laughed. He reached over and yanked on her hair. "Ow." She cried out.
He turned to her while they were at a red light, "Come on, babe, gimme some head."
"No!" After that, she was completely silent and she stared out the window.
"Will you say something?" he asked angrily. He yelled again, "Am I being obnoxious?"
"You're a dick." She said quietly.
"What?" He asked.
"SAY SOMETHING!" He yelled.
She turned to him, and then very quietly asked, "What do you want me to say?"
" 'Hi,' " he said.
"Hi." She said in barely a whisper.
When she got home, she began to write in her diary. She wrote about what a jerk he was and how he lied to his mom saying he was sorry. She thought about how he never apologized, including when he crashed her car. She found a page with their names Isaac Curtis and Megan Moore inside a heart. She tore it out and crumpled it up. She hurled it at the wall and saw it land in the corner. She wished she had hit the wall. Maybe she could hit her head and die. She thought about it. She thought about him. He told her she was crazy. She did attend group therapy. She was SMI (severely mentally ill).
Megan thought maybe Isaac might break up with her. A few weeks passed, school ended with a 1.4 grade point average and she still had a boyfriend. She didn't smile anymore. When she was with him, she kept getting a pull in her stomach and chills throughout her body. It was like she had just met him. She met with her case manager and asked if she could be put back into individual therapy. She had just gotten out of it the previous summer. She was strong enough and had accomplished her goal of not being negative. Her thoughts were positive and her progress was so good that her counselor let her go. Now she felt like she was chained to a pole in the hot sun. So, she started counseling again. She knew she wasn't supposed to be unhappy.
One day while she was getting ready to go to her appointment, she came into the kitchen looking for her water bottle. She opened up the shelves and glanced over the inventory of glasses, she saw a dead fly inside one of the glasses. She reached for it and then pulled it out. However, her hand hit the glass beside it, sending it toppling down onto the ceramic floor. The glass shattered loudly. She stepped back, "Ow!" she had stepped on a piece of it. Blood pooled in a tiny puddle by her foot. She lifted up her foot and pulled at a piece lodged under her big toe. She cried as she pulled it out. Minute tears flowed down her cheeks.
Her counselor was a geek with too short pants that exposed black socks. She continuously stared at them while she talked. She talked about her relationship with Isaac, leaving out the private details. He said it sounded very volatile. She took a big breath hoping her brain would get enough oxygen to function properly because she felt emotionally damaged. She held her head down as she talked. She then felt that her nose was wet. She reached across to his desk to get a tissue. It was too late. Liquid from her nose hit her pink sleeve. It was blood. She sat down and put the tissue to her nose.
"Are you all right?" he asked.
"I'm fine." She hadn't gotten a nosebleed since 4th grade.
"Our time is up." He had her fill out the questionnaire on the computer, and then he led her out into the hall to the lobby. She dabbed at her nose, it had stopped bleeding. She went out the door. As she was throwing away the tissue, she saw that the blood drops on her sleeve had formed a heart shape.
When she got home, she was writing in her diary. She wrote about all the things she talked about and as much as she could remember of what he said. Her counselor didn't tell her what to do. He made suggestions that she didn't necessarily have to follow. She thought about how he said caring for herself first would make her happier. How she didn't need other people's approval. Then she had an idea. She wouldn't break up with Isaac, she would KILL him.
It had been a few days and neither one of them texted the other. She felt abandoned and isolated. Her father was working yet again. She told herself that she had somebody in her life that loved her but she didn't believe it. She told herself that she was loved and respected by her boyfriend, but she didn't believe it.
Isaac then called out of nowhere. She answered. He wanted to take her out… on a date. It had been what she had wanted from him all along but it seemed too late now. He picked her up. They were quiet as usual on the drive. He took her to a semi-fancy restaurant.
"Hey." He said as they were seated. He was wearing a white button up shirt, black slacks, dress shoes and a red striped tie. She smiled thinking of when he asked her what she wanted in a guy.
She was dressed in a short black dress, he didn't care what she wore, and she always looked hot to him. She kicked her heels off under the table. She thought about her nail polish for some reason. She stared at her fingernails. They were a bright glittery red. She adjusted her rings on her left hand and then ended up taking them off and slipping them into her purse.
"How are you?" She asked, just like she always did. Just how she started every text conversation and what she said on the phone.
"I'm doing good. I'm here with you." He cleared his throat and took a sip of beer from a glass. "I love you."
Megan read in a book that when a guy tells you he loves you, and you don't feel the same way that you're supposed to lie and say it back. However, a counterargument said that you tell the truth and say you're not there yet. In those few moments, she couldn't decide whether to lie or to say she wanted him to end the relationship and that she had been miserable for weeks now if not months. She thought about his possible reactions. He might be angry or he might leave. She thought of a way she could get home since he had brought her. She thought about how he might be really happy with her saying it back to him. She didn't know what to say until finally she said, "Okay."
He frowned, "Don't you love me too?"
"Yeah, but I can't say it in front of all these people."
"Why not, I just did?"
"It's not me."
He closed his eyes and thought about how she just basically insulted him. She didn't say it back. He was hoping it would be met with an equally happy response. Then he thought about when she had broken up with him, how he said on the phone, 'okay'. He wondered if this was her revenge or how she really felt. She was always saying how she hated things, but she never said how she loved anything. Did she love him? He didn't know. He wanted to know.
Dinner went well, despite her issues of not saying 'I love you' back to him. They actually had a conversation. It was small chit chat, they didn't learn anything new about the other but it seemed worthwhile.
When she got home, she found herself cleaning in the same dress she had gone out in. She vacuumed the living room, dusted the blinds, washed the fridge inside and out, cleaned the toilet, scrubbed the scum out of the shower, and then finally she got the broom and began to sweep the kitchen floor. She was sweating in the face and she got it on her dress but she didn't care. She began to get the 5 inch space between the fridge and the counter. She swept a few inches in and then couldn't reach back. She stepped forward, putting her bare foot into the crevice, that's when she felt it; a piece of glass cut her foot. She stepped back, blood pooling on the floor. Her gaze was fixated on the piece of glass. "I keep walking on broken glass." She realized that she must've missed a piece of glass when it had fallen a week earlier.
She reached down and dipped her index fingers in the little pool of blood. She began to trace a heart on the floor. She then drew an arrow going through it. Her foot was still bleeding. She was on her knees, she traced another heart and then she collapsed onto the floor.
"11 stitches." Megan told Isaac. "My dad found me on the kitchen floor."
"That's rough. How does it feel?" He asked.
"It hurts; I have to stay off it for a few weeks." She shoved her crutches beside her. "So we can't go anywhere."
"It's okay." He said next to her on the love seat.
"We can watch TV."
"No, we ALWAYS watch TV."
"We can play video games."
"What do you have?"
"Call of Duty."
It was a quiet night only broken by the sobs of a sad undergraduate student. She put her head on her pillow and continuously wiped away the tears that streaked her face and began to drench her pillow. She thought about her and Isaac. They had gotten along for most of the time and then he said how stupid she was for not working and going to school. She told him how he was more a loser than her and worse of all when they made up; he got very rough with her. When he left they were barely on a good note. She wrote all about it in her diary. She didn't want to be with him anymore. He made her feel bad about herself. She said how she wanted to stab him, shoot him with a gun, or strangle him with a rope. However in her imagination she was doing it with her bare hands, because in her mind she was strong. She wondered if she could ever feel that happy in real life. If only, if only, he was dead!
When she sniffled, and wiped her nose with some tissue, she sat up in her bed. She began to scribble out pictures of Isaac being mutilated by a butcher knife. She got up and went to her mug full of pens. She grabbed a red pen and returned to her bed. She started to scrawl blood on various wounds. She drew more and more, all night until finally she was so tired she fell asleep on one of her drawings.
In the morning, she heard her dad knocking on the door. She awoke and pulled a paper off her face, she shoved them all under her blankets. "Come in."
"How are you doing? How's the foot?" Her dad asked.
"Did you take your medication?"
"Yeah, it doesn't hurt as much."
"How about your regular medications?"
"I took them yesterday."
"How's therapy going?"
"It's boring. I'm not getting anywhere. I think I should switch therapists. I think he's gay or something. I don't like him."
"I'm sorry you have to spend your summer this way."
"I'm off today, you want to do something?"
"Well, I can't go anywhere."
"Unless you're going to be hanging out with Isaac?"
"Are you guys okay?"
"Yeah, but I don't need to see him every day!"
They were watching DVDs when her phone rang. She answered, "Hello?"
"HI, this is Isaac's mom. He's in the hospital."
Later, she was in his room in the ICU. "What did you do?"
"My mom didn't tell you?"Isaac felt at the gauze wrapped around his wrists.
"I want to hear it from you." Megan said. "You tried to kill yourself. WHY?"
"I'm tired. I'm SMI already. What's the point of life?"
She thought about what her influence in his life was. Obviously, she wasn't enough for him. Now she felt guilty about wanting to kill him.
The nurse entered the room, "We have to draw some blood."
"I'll be out there." Megan adjusted her crutches and began to leave the room.
"Will you be back?" Isaac asked.
"What do you think?" Megan didn't even turn around to give the answer.
A week later, she got another phone call from Isaac's mom. She was crying. Isaac was dead. He tried again after he got out of the hospital.
Megan thought about all she had been through with him, for seven months she had spent her life talking to him, now he was gone. She began to sob. There was nobody around to comfort her.
A few days later, she checked her email. There was a message from Georgia. She was telling Megan how lucky she was to be alive and have a functioning body and a roof over her head. Megan thought about it. She was lucky. Her medication hadn't failed her. Who knew how long Isaac was feeling suicidal. She went to her room and got her pills. She popped them into her mouth and chased it down with water. She took lots of deep breaths and then closed her eyes. An image of her and Isaac together appeared to her. Then Isaac faded out of the picture. She was lucky. She was alive. And she got to decide how she wanted to live.