17th June 2008

Rachel Burnes

Open when desperation has come

My hands shook as the letter flipped in my grip, the gilded corners perfection in their straightness. Why isn't everything as easy as an envelope? Instead as hard as opening it.

Dear my wonderful girl, my beautiful girl, Rachel.

How you must now be in a fearful state, fearful and lost. Or if I know you, then you may just be curious. But if you are as I know you now, then you will hold that curiosity at bay, so that you do not break the promise that was never made.

I do not know what is happening in your life right now. Is it a break-up, if so it is the first probably. Do not worry, there are boys out there and as you one day will be a women, there will be men. You will get over it, we both know that. Just think to the future, it will come, and if you are reading this, then surely it has come before. Time will never pause, and if it does, then truly we are in a terrible predicament.

Maybe it is a death, dear girl, is it a death? If so I am truly sorry, and I cannot understand what your heart is going. Maybe one day I will understand, or maybe it will forever sit there as a terrible weight. Just think, you will join them one day, but I hope that day will not be soon. I know that is not a nice thing to think, not a nice thing at all. But spend each yearning day looking forward to the next, knowing that each day will bring you closer to them. But only think this in the darkest pit of despair dear girl, only if things really are bad. A broken heart can always be fixed with a large amount of duct tape. You said that remember, you were never good at comforting people but you said that and it brought a smile to her face. Do you remember you I am talking about? Are you still friends with her, she always was a nice girl?

But maybe that is why you are desperate, there is a loss of friendship? If this is so, the just think of all the wonderful times you had with them, all the times they made you smile. Whatever happened it can't be that bad that it outweighs all the good.

If you are lonely dear girl, then do not despair, you always have me you know. No matter how far away I am, I will always be a part of your life, even if you do not want me to. I know I have done some things you wish I had not done, but they cannot be changed. If you are lonely, please, please remember I am here.

Remember that you are always beautiful. How many times did you exclaim about your impatient hair, or scraggly nose? But think, how many times did you notice your eyes? Those beautiful eyes, sunflower eyes. Even if you have changed your hair, or grown that extra inch, you are still beautiful, I know you are. You were made to be beautiful, and you always will be.

I wish I could write this forever you know. It is like if I never stop, then time will never pass this day. But it will, it will. If I never stop writing this, then you will never read it. Oh I truly hope you never do. In a great fit of passion I hope you tear it into pieces, realising you will never need it. But you were never one to those spurs.

Maybe you have changed dear girl, maybe you have not. I will know, I am sure. Remember whatever has happened in the past, this is the future now. With this letter forget it all, forget what has happened, look ahead not back. I hope that by this letter I can help you overcome your desperation, help you understand that there is a future. I hope that you will understand me and realise that I am there with you. But mostly, I hope that you will believe me when I say I am sorry, and ask, that you will forgive me.

Yours faithfully

Your dearest beggar

My hands tremble as tears dare not invade my sight. The words burn into my sight, burn into my heart. I pull a fresh sheet over, place it by my eyes. I hold a pen though I did not look for it. And with that, I begin to write

April 5th 2018

Dear… dear

Why is it that you are so far away from me, and yet you are right there, right there. When was it that we got so far away? But it was me, wasn't it, it was always me? I didn't want to know you, I had wished you had never existed, and I had almost… Almost. So why didn't I?

Tell me, how could you write me such a letter, when what I had done, how I had treated you. But you will not tell me, will you? I looked around just then, as if expecting to see another letter sitting by my side. But I know you only wrote me one. You waited for my reply, and yet it never came, but you never expected it, did you?

You wondered why I was desperate now, well I will enlighten you, and maybe myself. I broke up with my first boyfriend a long time ago, but still I did not feel like I must read your letter. My mother died, she passed away from cancer, but still there was no need. Kate and I are no longer friends, I will not go into circumstances there. I almost did then, passing my hand over the surface, but I did not. Oh how lonely I become, but even then I could not find a day to call the worst, and so your letter remained untouched. But it is now that I have opened your letter, and it is now that I tell you of my desperation. I am desperate because I cannot remember. It is you who I forget. Oh how did I ever let myself forget you. How? I did not want to remember you, but always you were there, your actions, your thoughts, burning in my head. You plagued me, and I did not want any of it. So I forgot you. And now, oh now, I want to remember you.

That is why I am desperate, that is why I read your letter. What am I to do, how am I to remember you? It is you who I seek for advice, you who will not answer. But you should answer, because you are there, you always have been there. Do you know all the good things you did for me, all those things. Do you know them? Remember them, please, remember them for me because I cannot. Why can't time pause and return to so long ago, to those days where I let you leave me.

I am sorry, truly, for what I have done to you. For what I made you do. And I regret it. Please, believe me when I say I am sorry, and ask, that you will forgive me. As I forgive you.

And that is where my hand paused its flourish, where my mind turned its page. She was there, just as she had always been, my wonderful girl, my beautiful girl. I did not sign the paper, but folded its crisp self, placed it in a perfect envelope. And I left it sitting there, both letters side by side. And if a passer-by would find it, they would look at its cover with little attention and see;

Rachel Burnes

There is no need to ever open, because we're together now