Assisted Living: The Musical!

Characters:

Clyde: Marjorie's husband. A gentleman, but can be kind of crotchety.

Gladys: The new woman in the Assisted Living Home. Very flirtatious and takes an interest in Clyde.

Wilbur: A widower living in the Assisted Living Home. Takes an interest in Gladys. Somewhat flirtatious and protective of Gladys. Easily jealous.

Salvatore: A married man, whose wife is away. Flirts with all women. Suffers from mild memory loss.

Marjorie: Clyde's wife. Has short-term memory loss. Easily jealous.

Setting: Senior Valley Assisted Living; present.

Scene 1

Starts in the Hallway where Gladys is lugging in her luggage. Clyde sees her moving in and goes to help.

Clyde:

Can I help you with that, ma'am?

Gladys:

Thank you kindly, Dear. I'm new here. Just got in this morning, off one of them newfangled flying machines.

Clyde:

I remember, back in my day… When them aeroplanes used to pass over them trenches…

[Gets a faraway look]

Where were we?

Gladys:

You were helping me move in, Dear.

Clyde:

Of course. I'm Clyde, by the way. Welcome to Senior Valley Assisted Living.

Gladys:

I'm Gladys. And I'm very, very glad to be here with you.

Wilbur walks in on the other side of the stage and sees Gladys and Clyde. They do not see him. They pantomime talking while Wilbur makes his aside.

Wilbur:

[Aside]

Da-ang. That is one fine piece of woman. [Fanning himself] I would play the back nine holes with her.

Gladys:

[To Clyde, flirtatiously]

You know Clyde, dear, I think I—misplaced some prunes in the move. Could you be a dear and help me look for them back at my place?

Clyde:

I don't know Gladys…I…

Wilbur swaggers over.

Wilbur:

Well hello there. [To Clyde] Clyde, your wife's looking for you.

Clyde:

Is she now?

Wilbur:

She would be if she could remember where she put them dang bifocals.

Clyde:

I better go help her. Nice to meet you Gladys.

Gladys:

[Winks flirtatiously, and finger waves]

Bye Clyde dear. I'm so glad I got my cataracts removed, 'cause I can't wait to be seeing a lot of you.

Clyde hurries off.

Wilbur:

Well Miss Gladys, I'm Wilbur. I can help you look for them prunes if you like.

Gladys:

That's quite alright, but I'll be fine.

Wilbur:

You know, I have this song on my phonograph about them beautiful womens like you. It goes like this… [Takes a deep breath, about to sing]

Gladys:

I just remembered—I—I—my toy poodle needs its—dialysis right about now. I should go.

Gladys rushes to hobble off stage.

Wilbur:

Wait Doll! Come back! I'm a real man! I still got both my kidneys!

Wilbur hurries after her. END SCENE.

Scene 2

In a lounge in the Assisted Living Home. There is a table with five chairs around it. Leave this setting until the end of the play.

Marjorie and Salvatore are standing on stage, talking.

Salvatore:

It's so nice to see you Marjorie. My wife's at her bridge tournament in Florida all week, and I've been all on my lonesome.

Wilbur walks on hurriedly, and doesn't see Marjorie and Salvatore at first.

Wilbur:

[aside, muttering to himself]

Gotta find them prunes and impress that fine woman.

[looks up, sees Salvatore and Marjorie, stops abruptly and looks shocked]

Marjorie:

It's nice to see you too, Salvatore, hun. I think have something for you back at my apartment. But I can't remember if it's yours.

Salvatore:

That's awful sweet of you, Marjorie. If it wasn't for your husband Clyde, I'd ask you to be my bridge partner any day.

[sees Wilbur behind Marjorie]

Wilbur, what are you doing here?

Wilbur:

I'm… I'm looking for some, some… Salvatore, where's your wife at?

Salvatore:

She's at her knitting club. You know. Working them needles. [Nods to himself, raises eyebrows.] Mhm.

Marjorie:

But didn't you say…

[trails off]

Wilbur:

Oh, that's… that's interesting. Marjorie, what are you doing here with Salvatore?

Marjorie:

You know, I… I don't quite remember.

Wilbur:

Well, why don't you go off and find Clyde? He's looking for you.

Marjorie:

Alright. Bye, Salvatore. Maybe I'll see you in water aerobics.

Salvatore:

That class always gets my heart pounding. Bye, Marjorie.

Marjorie exits.

Salvatore:

One of these days, that woman's gonna give me a heart attack.

Wilbur:

[uncomfortably]

Whatever you say, Salvatore. I… I'm gonna go now, gotta find me some prunes.

Wilbur hurries off stage.

Salvatore:

[nodding]

Mhm…

Salvatore exits. END SCENE.

Scene 3

Clyde is sitting at a table, playing Solitaire. Wilbur walks on stage.

Wilbur:

Clyde, I have something to tell you.

Clyde:

Let me turn up my hearing aids.

[turns up hearing aids]

What is it?

Wilbur:

[quietly]

Your wife, Marjorie, well, I saw her with Salvatore. They were talking some real delicate subjects, and I… I think there might be something going on.

Clyde:

[loudly]

What? I can't hear you!

Wilbur:

[normal volume]

I think he's fishing in her prune jar. They're taking sponge baths together. She's… you know, knitting out of his basket.

Clyde:

[shouting]

What? Speak louder!

Wilbur:

[shouting]

Your wife is having an affair!

Clyde:

[puzzled, upset]

What?

Wilbur:

[shouting louder]

Your wife is cheating on you with Salvatore!

Clyde:

You don't have to shout. The whole world doesn't need to know.

[pauses]

If that old bat wants to play bridge with another man, then I'll… I'll write her a telegraph about this!

I remember telegraphs, back in my day…

[faraway look]

What were we talking about?

Wilbur:

Your wife. You know, there's a song for times like these. [takes deep breath, opens mouth to sing]

Gladys enters and walks up to Clyde, sitting down in the chair next to him. Wilbur closes his mouth.

Gladys:

Well hello there, dear.

Clyde and Wilbur:

[simultaneously]

Hello.

Gladys:

[turns toward Clyde, ignoring Wilbur]

You know, dear, I was wondering if you'd want to join me on the putting green some time. Big strong man like you, I bet you could help me with my golf game.

Clyde:

Well, I guess I could show you the course if you really want.

Wilbur:

You know, I could show you my nine irons if you like. I've got a real smooth stroke.

Gladys:

No thank you.

Wilbur:

Well how about a ride in my golf cart? It drives like a dream.

Gladys:

No.

[turns back to Clyde]

I still haven't found my prunes, dear.

Marjorie walks in as Gladys is speaking.

Gladys:

Perhaps you could take me back to my room and give me some help?

Marjorie looks furious, walks up to the table.

Marjorie:

[stands behind Clyde, places her hand on his shoulder]

So Hun, how's your card game?

Clyde:

It looks like I'm going to be playing solitaire for quite some time.

Marjorie:

What's that supposed to mean?

Clyde:

Where were you earlier?

Marjorie:

[pauses]

You know, I don't quite remember.

Clyde:

Apparently that's not the only thing you've forgotten.

Marjorie:

[to Gladys]

You must be new here. I'm Marjorie. Clyde's wife.

Gladys:

I'm Gladys. I must say, you are one lucky woman. Clyde's such a dear.

Marjorie:

Yes, he is. My dear.

Wilbur:

Gladys, I could be your dear. I have the perfect song for you… [inhales and opens mouth to sing]

Clyde, Marjorie, and Gladys get up angrily, glare at each other, and leave in different directions.

Wilbur:

That's alright. Back in '31 I waited on them bread lines for hours. I can wait for you, Gladys.

Salvatore walks on stage, looking confused.

Wilbur:

Salvatore, where's your wife at?

Salvatore:

Last I saw her, she gone to climb up that big mountain with them young whippersnappers. You know, that Everest thingamajig. That woman, she can climb. [nods] Mhm.

Wilbur:

That's nice, Salvatore.

Salvatore stares blankly into space.

Wilbur slowly backs away, then turns and hobbles quickly off stage.

END SCENE.

Scene 4

All are sitting around the table. Marjorie, Clyde, Salvatore, and Wilbur are playing bridge. The atmosphere is tense.

Gladys sits next to Clyde. Marjorie sits across from Clyde. Salvatore and Wilbur sit across from each other.

Gladys:

It's so lovely that you let me come to bridge club with you, Clyde, dear.

[All grumble]

Marjorie:

You know Gladys, I think you'd be more suited to Solitaire. Or you could go play singles tennis. For singles.

Wilbur:

I'll play doubles with you, Gladys.

Gladys:

No.

Salvatore:

My wife is playing doubles on Mars. My woman can swing that racket. [nods] Mhm.

Clyde:

Well, Marjorie, I thought we were playing doubles, but apparently we're on different sides of the net.

Marjorie:

And what does that mean? You've been acting like this all day. Who dropped their dentures in your tea, you old curmudgeon?

Clyde:

I know you and Salvatore have been swing dancing behind my back.

Salvatore:

My wife's swing dancing with the Tsar. That woman knows her Carolina Shag. [nods] Mhm.

Marjorie:

[to Clyde]

What did you say?

Clyde:

Turn up your hearing aid, you old bat! I know you've been cheating on me!

Marjorie:

Have you lost your mind, you senile old fart?

Gladys:

Don't you talk about Clyde like that!

Marjorie:

You rapscallion, trying to steal my man! I might be blind in one eye, but I see what you're doing!

Gladys:

[stands up]

You wanna rumble?

Marjorie:

[stands up]

I used to run with a dangerous crowd, missy. I'm one tough oatmeal raisin fiber biscuit! I can take you on any day.

Marjorie and Gladys struggle feebly, shouting things like "You hussy!" and "My hip!" Marjorie pushes Gladys and Gladys falls to the ground. Wilbur jumps up.

Gladys:

Help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!

Wilbur:

GLaaaaaDOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSS! (Director's note: Not a typo. We mean GLaDOS. Make sure it's pronounced that way.)

Wilbur runs over to Gladys and helps her up. Dramatic spotlight on them as they gaze into each other's eyes romantically. Salvatore sings dramatically in background, stops when Gladys starts speaking.

Gladys:

Thank you, Wilbur, dear. I never knew you could be such a sweetheart.

Wilbur:

Oh, Gladys, every time I look at you, it's like when they hit me with the defibrillator. Starts my heart right up!

Gladys:

Oh, Wilbur.

Wilbur:

I still have that song to sing you…

[Opens his mouth to sing]

Gladys:

I can't wait to hear it, Dear. But first, let's get some cake.

Gladys and Wilbur exit, holding hands.

Clyde:

[stands up]

Marjorie, what were you thinking, pushing Gladys over?

Marjorie:

What were you thinking, going off on me like that? You're more irritable than my bowels.

Clyde:

Wilbur saw you going around, swinging with Salvatore. Taking sponge baths and playing tennis.

Marjorie:

Are you talking about today? I went to see Salvatore 'cause uh, uh… I-I can't remember.

Salvatore:

She said she had something to give me. [nods] Mhm.

Marjorie:

I remember now! It was a jar of prunes I found and I couldn't remember whose they were.

Clyde:

Those must be Gladys' prunes! That's all that happened?

Marjorie:

That's all I remember. [pause] Clyde, hun, you're the only bridge partner I'll ever need.

Marjorie and Clyde exit, holding hands.

Salvatore:

[nods] Mhm.

CURTAIN. (Curtain song: "I'm Sexy and I Know It")