I don't know what all this is. Am I supposed to hate you? Am I supposed to love you? Am I supposed to miss you? Or maybe…do you miss me?
.I love you so much I'd rather hate you.
Hey…it's me again.
You know, these days, I've been feeling so empty. Like there's something missing.
And I've been wondering…if that could be you?
I don't know. Maybe it's the fresh snow, or maybe it's just my brain got messed up or something.
I've been tired.
And I've been looking through those gazillion pictures we took. We looked…happy.
How did all that happiness slip away from us? How?
No matter what, we were happy.
And…those were the times I was truly smiling.
Only you could read my fake smiles. Only you knew how to brighten up my day, and just make me feel better.
So much better.
I found an old CD. I played it. I could hear your voice overlapping with mine, our laughter tangled into an intangible mess.
We recorded ourselves, remember?
Where did all that joy go to?
I don't know. I don't think you do either.
I picked up that torn photograph I ruined when we had that big fight, on the first day of summer.
How could I forget those screams that rung through my ears? Those painful hand marks on our cheeks?
How could we have been so stupid, to lose ourselves to such a petty thing?
Was our love not strong enough? Were we not strong enough?
You know, before you came along, I used to think love was absolutely stupid and built on lies.
You changed that.
And then you reaffirmed that belief.
What was our love, anyway?
Back then, I would have wrote 'magical' down, but now, I'm not so sure.
Were we just naïve fools falling into…well, like?
I still don't think I'm able to let go.
Oh look, tears are running down my cheeks.
Sometimes, I'd wish you just disappear and never been born – so I wouldn't be hurt. But that would be so frighteningly selfish of me, wouldn't it?
And sometimes…I wish I'd have been wiser in our relationship.
I should've learned how to compromise.
I should've learned how to control my anger.
I should've learned that not everything was your fault.
I bet you thought I was some mad person back then, huh.
Then you snapped.
Maybe…just, maybe…if I were as wise as I am now, would our relationship have lasted longer?
Was it my fault it broke down?
Was it my fault that all that affection just vanished?
I don't know, really.
But I think I do know something – I can't let go.
It's stupid for me to run away, hide, and cross my fingers and hope I'll never run into you again for the rest of my life, isn't it?
Reality is unavoidable.
How am I unable to forget?
Why do these memories, oh-so-bittersweet, keep plaguing me?
Can't they leave me alone?
Can't I wipe you out of my brain?
Can't I just say I hate you and delete you out of my life forever?
I don't think love's that easy.
Were we even in love?
What is love, anyway?
And also…I came across you, the other day.
It was a brief glance, but it was enough to make me hyperventilate. It was enough to make me blush like some idiotic tomato. It was enough to send my heart aflutter.
Then everything crashed down on me.
Is it wrong for me to be feeling this again?
Is it wrong for me to maybe…just, maybe…think I'm falling in love with you again?
Why does life love torturing me like this?
Oh, my head hurts.
Can you actually fall in love with the same person twice?
But no matter what…I can't seem to hate you, I can't seem to hate you at all!
It's all too difficult, no matter what I do…
I'm going crazy because of you, you know? You're simply maddening.
I want to go back to when we were happy.
I want to go back to when we were smiling, every single moment we had together.
I want to go back to when…I thought you loved me.
Do you still?
Have you moved on?
Because I think…I might still love you.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!
I'm spinning in circles, aren't I.
All I know is that…I can't hate you, I might love you, and you're just somewhere. Out there.
Are you searching for me?
Do you dream about me?
Do you even miss me?
I hope you do.
And she stopped writing, crumpled the piece of paper, and tossed it out the window.
Maybe…just, maybe…she'll find him again.