Maybe we were meant to be, maybe we weren't. But I loved you, and a part of me still loves you. Probably always will. So lets start with why I do.
Well I love you because you gave me happiness. You made us last. You made me feel…well, worth it. Like I deserve more to life.
I did what I did because I was mad at you. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to be spiteful, and I wasn't trying to hurt you on purpose. But I was depressed over our lost and mad at you because you allowed us to go to sleep mad at each other. I felt lonely. If only you knew how I felt that night, just maybe you would understand my reasons. I'm not saying those reasons are good enough, nor am I using it as an excuse but… I just want to let you know what I was feeling then.
I was mad at you for the way our night ended. I was depressed and mad over our lost, and the fact that you never said, "well baby, lets talk about it." or said "baby its okay." You never showed interest. And I don't remember what we were arguing about that night. But it really left me upset. And when shit started happening, I swear I thought I had control over the situation. I told him no. I always said "no,its not right. Stop." and when I realized he wasn't going to take no for an answer, I said "at least keep it in your pants…" Every kiss and touch felt disgusting, he wasn't the one I wanted to touch or kiss me. I didn't feel right with him no more. I only wanted one person and that person was you. It had to be. He couldn't please me the way you did. I couldn't even get wet for him. He didn't know my body anymore. Not like you did. I had to fake moans. I looked him dead in the eyes knowing this isn't what I wanted. And finally he came, and I we were going to sleep. I turned over and be pulled me over his chest, letting my legs drape over him. And feel asleep. He asked me if I had any feelings for him still, I told him no. He asked me if I regretted it. I said no, but I never did complete my thought. I said no, only because one thing I have learned from life, was to never regret you mistakes. Cause your mistakes make you stronger. So I tried to pretend, that what I did never killed me inside. I told him that I was going to tell you somehow tomorrow. Because "I love him, and he deserves to know the truth no matter how much it hurts. I…he doesn't need this. I, he doesn't deserve this." He tried to hide his feelings I know he did. I feel asleep. 2 hours later I woke up to get ready for school. But he was horny. I was to tired and ashamed. I couldn't focus, my mind was everywhere but where it needed to be where I needed it. And in a result we ended up having sex.
That day, it was so hard to hug and kiss you knowing I betrayed the person I love. Me, promising myself that I would never cheat, ended up doing so. I cant even reason with myself, I don't know why I expected you too. Then you found out before I had a chance to tell you. And I got mad at you again, when I shouldn't have. But I was mad that instead of waiting to hear my story first, you went to her and automatically took her side. I was trying to tell you, but we were still fighting, I didn't want to make it seem like I was spiting you. I didn't want to see you hurt, I was scared of losing you forever. I didn't want to go to work crying. I was..lost. I didn't know how to do it. And you wouldn't even listen to me. I've tried fixing it, I've tried all I could think of. We worked out, for a bit. But you couldn't let go, and I understand. We tried being friends but we always fought. So I thought to myself, "maybe it would be easier to just let him go, and pretend he doesn't exist. That way I can pretend it doesn't hurt every time I talk to him. Pretend that I don't miss him. Pretend that I don't care." So I let you go, because I'm selfish. But I don't know if it is easier being away from you or being near you. Cause the pain still feels the same. Now, every day that passes, is just another day…