What do Ponies have to do with anything?
People have to be stupid, and I mean really stupid, to do all that my fellow Zombiemates and I have done. It's not just about dancing thriller of beating the hell out of a pedo with underwear, it's something more deep, more...
"Hey, have you ever wondered who invented unicorns?"
"Someone with nothing good to do except thinking about freakazoid gay horses."
"With pictures in the butts."
"DON'T INSULT MY LITTLE PONY."
...come to think of it, stupid is the only thing that could describe us. Why were Lucas and Butch talking about ponies? Kerberos wouldn't stop punching the wall for some reason. And April had gotten shampoo from the Hannah bag and was making a sculpture. My eyebrow twitched in frustration.
"People, we're supposed to be trying to escape this place!" I reminded them.
"Yeah, yeah! In a second. Just let me cure Butch of his obsession with ponies."
"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT IT UP!"
"I SAID UNICORNS."
I slapped my forehead. Definitely these guys didn't give a damn about the world, much less about the fact that we were in a pinch now. I waved my hands in the air stupidly, trying to get their attention. Nothing.
"Guys!" April said, clapping her hands merrily, "Look at my sculpture!"
I sat on it.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
"All my life I've been good, but now, IIIIII'm thinking what. The. Hell..."
"Lucas where do you get all that crappy music from?" Butch growled.
"FROM PONY LAND!"
I slammed my fist as hard as I could against the metal furnace at the back and screamed because it was hot. When I caught everyone's attention, I began, "Guys!"
I made peanut butter with Lucas. While he lay on the floor with a mix of whining and laughter I proceeded, "I know making fudges with shampoo may be amazing but we gotta escape. Before those guys find us. Or worse, before zombies run the place."
"True," Butch said surprisingly, "But we still don't know how to fight 'em."
I nodded and turned to the rest of the gang. "So what do you guys say?" I saw how April gave me a thumbs-up. Lucas nodded, still drunk in his laughter. I turned to Kerberos. She was trying to wrap the doorknob with her mouth.
Zombie Survival Note: Make Lucas open the door.
Man, it had been such a long time since I had written down a zombie note. Anyway, we had to make a plan. A plan... maybe brainstorming would help:
1. Drinking milk. Good idea, but I don't know how that helps escaping those maniacs.
2. Running them down with a motorcycle.
3. I said I wouldn't put anything on option 3.
4. Turning into a llama.
What the hell? Oh god, bulleted lists never work. Why do I only think about stupid things? DON'T ANSWER.
"Why don't we just open the door?" Kerberos said.
"KERBE..." I stopped in mid-sentence and slapped my forehead.
"Dudes, it's been silent for a while."
"Oh, it's true. Congratulations, Lucas! You were able to shut up three minutes!"
"Ssssh, people!" I said, whispering. Ever since we had exited the safety of the storage room I had been more paranoid than usual. We were now walking across the central halls in the middle of the mall, making as little noise as possible to avoid detection. But just in case we GOT trapped, we were armed. I had my giant pencil, April had a bottle of shampoo, Lucas had a bra whip and Butch had his fists, which were more than enough.
But anyway. Things were going pretty well, except when Kerberos had started ranting with April and Lucas. Still, it seemed like no one had heard us. And now we were reaching the main gates which lead to the outside world. What would happen next was still a mystery to me.
I yawned and kept walking. Man, how much time had it been since I had eaten or slept properly? I wanted to eat something. Anything. But unfortunately, I wasn't gonna be able to―WAS THAT THE SMELL OF PIZZA? I sniffed the air, then shook my head. Hell no, this was a hallucination. There was NO way possible someone could be baking a pizza now.
Butch sniffed the air. "It smells like garlic in here."
"AAAAAAH!" I ripped off what was left of Butch's hair.
"WROAH! WHAT THE HELL!?"
"Calm down you two!" April separated us. She stared at me. "You stop with your psycho attacks," She stared at Butch, "And you stop butching."
"What the hell did I do to have that mass of hormones attack me!?"
"YOU ATE A PONY."
"Shut up Lucas."
April slapped her forehead. "People, can we be normal just for a little while? Duff, stop dancing like an Egyptian."
"But I'm so hungry..." I looked around. Where was Kerberos? I was about to tell the rest when I saw them looking around as well. I exchanged glances with April and saw she had the same what-the-hell-is-going-to-do-that-bastard-hippie-n ow look.
"There she is!" Lucas said, pointing to a random place in the hall, right where a short blonde with weight problems was standing, staring right at a pizza lying on the middle of nowhere.
"KERBEROS DON'T DARE GET THAT PIZZA!"
I whacked Lucas, who had said that. "Why not!? I'm hungry!"
"But it's a trap!" Lucas pointed to the pizza box. "Don't you see? There's a pizza lying in the middle of... hahaha―uhurm. Why on earth would a delicious steamy pizza like that be just hanging around the floor?"
"Because someone dropped it."
"OR BECAUSE THE ZOMBIES ARE USING IT AS A BAIT TO EAT OUR ORGANS."
"Oh, that's stupid," I turned to Kerberos. "Get that pizza!"
"NO! NO! NO!"
"YES! YES! YES!"
"YEEEEEES! DO IT AND I TEACH YOU TO BARF BROCOLI!"
"How come she's going to fall for something so―oh great she lifted it." Lucas sighed. "I give myself three minutes to die."
But unfortunately he didn't.
A while later, we were eating the yummy, cheese-dripping steamy pizza, loaded with pepperoni. Ohhh, it was heaven! Much better than peeing on elevators! It was awesome, awesome, awesome! Oh, how I wished this gift from God would last forever!
"Man, I'm sorry for having said we shouldn't get this awesomeness," Lucas said between mouthfuls, "Sorry everyone for being so Lucas."
"Me too," I chewed, "I'm sorry for being so mean and shutting people up."
"And I'm sorry for butching."
"Yeah," April swallowed before speaking, something which neither of us (except for her) had done before, "Let's not fight anymore, no matter the reason." She extended her arm to me. "Let's be in peace, Anti-Zombie squad!"
I put my hand over her. "Peace!"
Kerberos did as well. "Peace!"
"It's kind of funny for a hippie to say that," Lucas grinned, "But peace!"
Butch shrugged. "Yeah. Peace."
April smiled and we all retracted our hand. "It's good to see there will be no more fights among us. So, shall we continue eating?"
"Yeah, let's―" I stopped smiling. We all did. There was only one piece of pizza left.
And it would be mine.
Every hand from every dude around me was doing the same thing as mine, sliding slowly but surely towards the last piece of heaven. We were staring at each other defiantly, saying through our eyes that the pizza could only be attained by one. Kerberos stabbed me with a needle.
"OW!" I said snapping back my hand.
Kerberos leaped on top of the pizza box for no apparent reason other than to squash it, but Butch seized it back just in time. Lucas gave Butch a knee smash on the face while snatching the pizza. I seized it back, though, and began running like a maniac, pursued by the gang. They caught me up in no time. Curses for being so slow.
"It's mine!" Lucas said.
Butch stared at him. "No, it's mine! I need more food since I'm bigger!"
"YOU DON'T NEED FOOD BECAUSE YOU'RE FAT!"
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
"Guys!" April came running behind us. "Stop fighting! It's just a measly piece of bread with sauce!"
"But―! But―!" I was finding the words, "I'm hungry! AND WHERE DID THE PIZZA GO?"
There was no sign of the pizza. We started looking frantically on the floor, but nothing. And then we saw.
An undead was holding it.
What the hell? But before I could react, the thing took out a piece of paper with a message on it. It said, "IF YOU WANT THE PIZZA, FOLLOW ME."
"Oh like hell we're gonna follow you," I pouted. "There's no way I'm following a zombie. That would be certain death."
He took out another message. "WE HAVE MORE PIZZA."
The gray mass zombied away, followed by yours truly. I looked back. Nobody was following me, they were making desperate signs for me to come back. I shook my head at them. They just wanted me to get less pizza, and that was a no-no.
"Duff! Just come back before you―"
April didn't have time to finish her sentence before I had bumped onto something warm. I rubbed my face and looked forward. As you may have guessed, there was another bunch of zombies, and the pizza one had another message: