The Zombie Games
"Duff!" April called out, "let's get out of here!"
"But I can't!" I replied.
"They're coming after us! Hurry!"
"Just gimme a minute!"
"Can't you bloody see I'm in the bathroom?"
That shut her up. This is the life of a survivor for you, a race against death in which you can't even make biological needs in peace. Where you have to be as quiet as possible when walking in an open area and having to sleep with one eye open. Since that's impossible, my nap time is officially screwed.
And so as a bunch of undead came walking to me with such ill timing it was ridiculous, I came up with a third tip:
TIP No. 3: In a zombie apocalypse, try to belong to a survivor group. And never eat burritos.
You'll soon see why.
When living in a post-apocalyptic world, having companions is quite fundamental. They can crack watermelons open and scratch unreachable areas of your back when necessary, can be quite durable if not eaten, and sometimes even come with bonuses such as the ability to mentally calculate Pi times anything. Which is useless, but kind of cool anyway. The only bad thing is giving them maintenance. Need an example?
Individual: My stomach says I'm hungry.
Dulcibella (I put in a random name): Stomachs don't speak.
Individual: I mean I'm hungry, dammit!
Dulcibella: Then eat?
Individual: COOK FOR ME!
Individual: Because I'm your father!
Okay, I got a bit out of context. But it's hard, you see. Especially when you seem to be the most sane person around, and considering I got the IQ of a walrus that's not a good thing at all. Because I had to tag along with the unlikeliest, most unreliable people to actually survive. The trio of destruction. The Triforce. And one that neither Link nor Ganon would fight for.
April, Butch and Kerberos.
Let's resume. April, the only talkative one in the group, kept talking about how they had grouped together in order to end the whole chaos going around. God knows how the heck they would. Then came Kerberos, who spoke in this soft, monotone voice, telling me they were highly prestigious, had a whole load of members, and had this globally-famous Italian chef who made just about the best pizzas on the universe (which was 90% of the reason I stayed with them). I was extremely lucky for once, joining such a mighty group.
Well, not really. It was all a bloody lie.
We arrived to this sort of hotel way into the outerskirts's highway. We had walked for hours, the sun fleeing to China and leaving the moon to take care of the dead instead. The place was very nice, a Las Vegas kind of thing. But it had no beds.
"What hotel doesn't have beds?" I thought out loud.
April thought for a moment and replied sweetly, "Butch ate them."
Survival Note: Stay the hell away from Butch's mouth.
So we sat onto the fancy carpeted floor, Kerberos suddenly putting her legs against her chest and hugging them tightly before plopping sideways onto the floor. Creepy.
I stared at the group for a moment. Butch headed out of the room where we were, who knows to what destination. April slid closer to me with each passing second. Unnerved, I pointed my pencil to her. She stopped.
"Hello," she grinned.
"Do you know how to cook?"
I thought the question was kind of random, but considering the whole situation it wasn't really anything worst noticing. "Only roasted yak in pigeon guts," I replied.
"Yuck. Only that?"
"Then do you know how to cook?"
Her eyelids dropped in boredom. "Is that a yes?"
"How is that relative?"
"I may cook, but I also may not."
"Oh, lord. Just say yes or no."
"Yes or no."
"Forget it," she stood up, wiping her reaper suit and kicking Kerberos's back, who yelped and stood up in a split second. Then she started walking out the door along with the blonde, leaving me and my feeble trolling behind.
So I just sighed and yelled, "All right, man! I can cook!"
She suddenly spun around, the flower hairpin holding her fringe sent flying across the room by the movement. Kerberos was grinning for the second time since I'd met her. In a second, Butch headed into the room. I sensed evil.
"Then," April walked to me and patted my back, still smiling, "here's your gift!" she handed me a spatula. I stared at it blankly, then smashed it against Kerberos.
"It doesn't work," I said before handing it back. April shook her head. Kerberos gave me the finger.
"It shall," April said, "because you've just become our cook."
They all exchanged glances for a moment, then she patted my head again. "Nah, I'm lying. Let's eat."
Okay, now that was random. So we sat in a circle as Butch took a bunch of microwave burritos to us, which were cold but equally tasty. I scarfed them all down, not noticing I was the only one eating. It wasn't until I swallowed the last bite that I noticed Kerberos's villainous grin. I sensed more evil.
Noticing this, April whacked her partner's head. Then she pointed at my spatula. "You already ate your ration. Now if you'd please…?"
I mimicked her fairy-like voice. "Please…?"
That was when I heard Butch speak for the first time, "Just get me wood. I'm hungry," and it was way scarier than it read. I flinched in realization.
"So you recruited me to be your cook?"
"YES!" Kerberos blurted out enthusiastically. April stared at the floor in slight guilt.
"Well, you see, there was this meeting over whether…"
"WOOD! WOOD! WOOD!"
I stepped back, dropping the spatula. I swung my hand in the air behind me, reaching for my pencilic weapon. April stopped bantering. "Duff?" she asked, worried.
That was when I burst. "Get away from me!" I yelled and suddenly slammed my pencil against whomever it hit, whirling to the door and running away as fast as I could, yelling, "You guys are WICKED!"
I heard Butch's baritone voice yell, "WICKED is good!" before I lost track of their puzzled voices. I ran out the hallway, out the hotel and onto the tattered highway outside. At the sides a group of trees grew, like a mini forest surrounding the whole area. I headed for it in order to give myself time to think what the heck had just happened. Why had they given me burritos anyway?
My digestive system replied in the gassiest way possible. I stopped in the midst of my marathon, feeling a sudden… urge. Oh my God, the burritos had laxatives. WHY LAXATIVES?
I stared at my sides frantically, looking for some place with a possible bathroom inside. But of course, there were only trees.
Trees. Hell yeah.
So I choose my favorite one and began with the process. Just then came out this unnervingly high-pitched voice, followed by a half-whisper and then an almost perfect imitation of Kratos. Oh lord, they were coming.
I tried my best to make myself invisible. I watched them behind a group of bushes around the tree as they walked aimlessly with no clue where I was. Haha, idiots.
Just then came a freaking spider right onto my nose and I yelled bloody murder.
They found me.
You bet this wasn't exactly comfortable.
"Duff," April sighed, "we know you're there. Come out, let's go."
Butch stared in awe at the hundreds of trees around him. I could picture his mind right now. "FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!"
Just then Kerberos seemed to jump onto April, holding the reaper's long sleeve. "They heard," she stated.
"Oh great. Hello, zombies."
They probably came from the city. Kerberos stared at them with a freakishly stable expression, "Why don't they greet back?" she asked.
Butch growled in response.
April shook her head, holding her arm to me. "Duff! Let's get out of here!"
Which brings us to the current point. To make story short, they had most likely not noticed my current unreliable activity. I cleaned up, put my shorts back on, and suddenly stood up triumphantly. We would fight against them. I stared at the distance and saw so much of them World War Z fell short.
Nevermind. We'd get the fuck away.
"All right!" I yelled and we all set on march, back to the hotel and yelling for our lives before realizing a) we were going the wrong way b) I had not put underwear on c) it was really uncomfortable d) freaking bloody hell I had to go back. So I went back. April and Kerberos followed me loyally. And before we realized, they had surrounded us in the literal sense of the word.
At least I had my underwear back. Not that I'd need it anymore.