The Zombie Games
"Duff!" April called out, "let's get out of here!"
"But I can't!" I replied.
"They're coming after us! Hurry!"
"Just gimme a minute!"
"Can't you bloody see I'm in the bathroom?"
"What do you think?"
That shut her up. This is the life of a survivor for you, a race against death in which you can't even make biological needs in peace. Where you have to be as quiet as possible when walking in an open area and having to sleep with one eye open. Since that's impossible, my nap time is officially screwed.
And so as a bunch of undead came walking to me with such ill timing it was ridiculous, I came up with a third tip:
TIP No. 3: In a zombie apocalypse, try to belong to a survivor group. And never eat burritos.
You'll soon see why.
When living in a post-apocalyptic world, having companions is quite fundamental. They can crack watermelons open and scratch unreachable areas of your back when necessary, can be quite durable if not eaten, and sometimes even come with bonuses such as the ability to mentally calculate Pi times anything. Which is useless, but kind of cool anyway. The only bad thing is giving them maintenance. Need an example?
Individual: My stomach says I'm hungry.
Dulcibella (I put in a random name): Stomachs don't speak.
Individual: I mean I'm hungry, dammit!
Dulcibella: Then eat?
Individual: COOK FOR ME!
Individual: Because I'm your father!
Okay, I got a bit out of context. But it's hard, you see. Especially when you seem to be the only mentally stable person around, and considering I got the IQ of a walrus that's not a good thing at all. Because I had to tag along with the unlikeliest, most unreliable people in the whole universe. The trio of destruction. The Triforce. And one that neither Link nor Ganon would fight for.
April, Butch and Kerberos.
Let's resume. April, the only remotely social one in the group, kept blabbering about how they had grouped together in order to end the whole chaos going around. God knows how the heck they would. Then came Kerberos, who spoke in this soft, monotone voice like she wanted to be a Rei Ayanami close. She claimed they were highly prestigious, had a whole load of members, and had this globally-famous Italian chef who made just about the best pizzas on the universe (which was 90% of the reason I stayed with them). I was extremely lucky for once, joining such a mighty group.
Well, not really. It was all a lie, like friendship and my hopes and dreams.
We arrived to this small hotel way into the highway, where the city could only be seen at the distance. We had walked for hours, the sun fleeing to China and leaving the moon to take care of the dead instead. The place was very nice, a Las Vegas kind of thing. But it had no beds.
"What hotel doesn't have beds?" I thought out loud.
April thought for a moment and replied sweetly, "Butch ate them."
Survival Note: Stay the hell away from Butch's mouth.
So we sat onto the fancy carpeted floor.
I glanced at the bunch, expectant. Butch yawned and headed out of the room who knows to which destination. He couldn't be older than thirty, but apparently he had already forgotten the art of language. Or the art of socializing. Or maybe we just pissed him off. Either way, I didn't give a shit. Kerberos just sat there and stared at some point in the distance like it was absolutely fascinating. April slid closer to me with each passing second. Unnerved, I pointed my pencil to her. She stopped.
"Hello," she grinned.
"Do you know how to cook?"
I thought the question was kind of random, but considering the whole situation it wasn't really anything worst noticing. "Only roasted yak in pigeon guts," I replied.
"Yuck. Only that?"
"Then do you know how to cook?"
Her eyelids dropped in boredom. "Is that a yes?"
"How is that relative?"
"I may cook, but I also may not."
"Oh, lord. Just say yes or no."
"Yes or no."
"Forget it," she stood up, completely disappointed. If she hoped I would be her bestie all of a sudden, she was wrong. April left the room, followed by Kerberos, who snapped out of her breathtaking activity once she noticed said activity. Silence. The empty room brought memories I didn't feel like reviving.
Panicking, I found myself calling out, "All right, fine, I can cook!"
April's head popped into the room and she soon hopped right in with a grin that rivaled that of a Halloween pumpkin. I noticed Butch lurking outside the room. Kebreros followed April and smiled, and that was all I needed to know some weird shit was about to unfold.
"Then," spoke the blue-haired girl as walked to me—followed by the blonde, of course—and patted my back, still smiling, "here's your gift!" she added, handing me a spatula. I stared at it blankly for a few seconds, then smashed Kerberos with it.
"It doesn't work," I said before handing it back. April shook her head. Kerberos clutched the spot where I'd wounded her with one hand and gave me the finger with the other, to my amusement. So she did have emotions. What a charming young woman.
"It will work," April informed, then, "because you've just become our cook."
The minion and the master exchanged glances for a moment before April grinned and waved her hand as though shooing the conversation. "Kidding. Want dinner?"
Okay, now that was random. So we sat in a circle as Butch dignified us with his presence and brought us a bunch of microwave burritos, which were cold but equally tasty. Maybe he's wandered off to get food for us. My impression of him suddenly was better, but he seemed annoyed for some reason. Resigned. Shrugging that off, I scarfed them all down, not noticing I was the only one eating. It wasn't until I swallowed the last bite that I noticed Kerberos's ominous smile. I sensed more weird shit unfolding.
Noticing this, April whacked her partner's head, who whimpered. Then she pointed at my spatula. "You already ate your ration. Now if you'd please…?"
I mimicked her fairy-like voice. "Please…?"
That was when I heard Butch speak for the first time in an oddly-fitting baritone, "Told ya his plan is bullshit. She probably can't boil water for a livin'."
Plan? Boil? I got the part about bullshit, though. My eyes went wide in realization and I stared at the girls in disbelief. "So you recruited me to be your cook?" I rasped out, beginning to seriously question their intellect.
"Yes!" Kerberos blurted out enthusiastically, which oddly enough didn't surprise me. She seemed like quite the big eater. Emphasis on big. April began to wave her hands around like she was trying to rape the air, blurting out a series of excuses I didn't bother hearing. I was pissed. Didn't they mention something about eating furniture anyway? They could eat the walls for dinner.
I stepped back, tossing the spatula to the floor. I swung my hand in the air behind me, reaching for my pencilic weapon. April stopped bantering. "Duff?" she asked, worried.
That was when I burst. "Get away from me!" I yelled and suddenly slammed my pencil against whomever it hit, whirling to the door and running away as fast as I could, yelling, "You guys are WICKED!"
I heard Butch call out, "WICKED is good!" which implied he probably read. And Young Adult, out of all things. I soon lost track of their puzzled voices, running out the hallway, out the hotel and to the dimly-lit highway outside. At the sides, the pines tried hard to create a landscape. I headed right to it, for it seemed dark enough for me to become invisible. I needed time to think, but not enough time for me to think more than what was safe. Good. I'd learned something from the education system. Why had they given me those burritos, anyway…?
My digestive system replied in the gassiest way possible. I stopped in the midst of my marathon, feeling a sudden… urge. Oh my God, the burritos had laxatives. Laxatives. Out of all possible things. Fuck it. I wouldn't bother trying to understand them anymore. They were all a bunch of weirdasses.
I stared at my sides frantically, looking for some place with a possible bathroom inside. But of course, there were only trees.
Trees. Hell yeah.
So I choose my favorite one and began with the process. Hey, I couldn't be picky if I wanted to keep my shorts. They did a fantastical job at making my butt look like it existed. Just then, a voice whose owned seemed to have swallowed helium began to yell at the distance, followed by a half-whisper and then an almost perfect imitation of Kratos. They couldn't be coming. I shouldn't press my luck.
Trying my best to make myself invisible (and inaudible) I warily watched them behind a group of bushes around the tree as they walked aimlessly with apparently no clue of my location whatsoever. Their lack of coherent thinking finally prove to be useful, and I smirked. Idiots.
Then came a freaking spider right onto my nose and I yelled bloody murder.
They found me.
You bet this wasn't exactly comfortable.
"Duff," April sighed, "we know you're there. Come out, let's go."
Butch stared in awe at the hundreds of trees around him. I could picture his mind right now. "FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!"
Just then Kerberos seemed to jump onto April, holding the reaper's long sleeve. "They heard," she stated.
"Oh, they. Why, hello, zombies."
They probably came from the city. Kerberos stared at them with a freakishly stable expression, "Why don't they greet back?" she asked.
Butch sighed in response.
April shook her head, holding her arm to me. "Duff! Let's get out of here!"
Which brings us to the current point. To make story short, they had most likely not noticed my current unreliable activity. I cleaned up with a bunch of poor leaves lying around, hastily put my shorts back on, and thus stood up triumphantly. For the first time in a while I had managed to achieve a goal without fucking up, which put me in high spirits. We would fight against the corpses. We would win. We wouldn't let out dreams be dreams. I stared at the distance and saw so much of them World War Z fell short.
Nevermind. We'd get the fuck away.
"All right!" I yelled and we all set on march, back to the hotel and yelling for our lives before realizing a) we were going the wrong way b) I forgotten to put underwear on c) it was really uncomfortable d) freaking bloody hell I had to go back. So I went back. April and Kerberos followed me loyally. And before we realized, they had surrounded us in the literal sense of the word.
At least I had my underwear back. Not that I'd need it anymore.