1.11.12

the first time i od'd on ibuprofen

i took two,

and spent the night hoping i wouldn't die.

two months later, i was taking 40, 50, 60,

praying to gods i don't believe in

to leave this hellish place.

maybe god i s real.

maybe sometime i'll die,

and wake up again in a new hell

to spend millennia burning,

hating the heat i've always craved.

maybe the fires i light are just me

practicing for the day i day.

when i do,

i hope i have enough foresight

to write you a note, a love letter,

telling you how much i'll miss you,

and how much i've loved you.

i'll probably have burned it

with the dying coals of my heart,

but i hope you touch the ashes of my body,

spreading them with your fingers,

breathing me in.

i want to change someone.

i want my life to have an impact,

like yours.