3.8.12

it's not that i

want to die.

i have never really

wanted to die.

i just don't

want to live.

for me, the pain of death

outweighs the pain of life.

death would be

a welcome respite

any day or night,

because

there is no place for me here.

on this earth,

i do not fit.

i am silent,

invisible.

lonely.

i am out of sync

with the rest of the world.

my body is wrong,

and my mind

does not belong to me.

all i've ever wanted

is to be me.

maybe it's time to realise

this is me.

this body is mine.

this mind is mine.

but if this is me,

then i hate me.

i don't want to be me

if this is me.

so

the way i see it,

i have two choices:

accept that this is me,

and spend whatever life i have left

hating myself,

or

acknowledge that this is not me,

and spend my life

looking for me.

trying to be

whoever i am.

i'm torn.

both paths involve so much

pain.

suffering.

isolation.

loss.

which do i choose?