jumble of fingers - words -
of "never done this before"
and "only if you want to"

but it turned into
heavy body on top of me
lips on my neck
dark room
sweet smoke hanging in the air
foggy eyes and lungs

it wasn't what i wanted
and it hurt

but i couldn't expect him to wait forever
and i couldn't find the strength to scream
or even to whisper

well, i didn't speak up
and he will never find out how
far i wanted to run

(it exhausts me just to remember
and i wish that i could sleep
but these days, the nightmares never go away.)