I can't believe I'm finally going to meet you! I've wanted to for so long, and now we finally get to meet each other properly! You know I think you're absolutely beautiful, right? I want to look like you someday and then everyone who's ever looked down on me will be amazed. My parents will point at me with pride and say "that's my daughter" and their friends will wish that their kids looked like me.
Everyone will see how perfectly controlled I am and want to be just like me. I can't wait!
It's been hard, I'll admit that much. But it's already getting easier: I can see the results of our friendship already - other people have noticed too! I get compliments almost every day and when I feel like I'm about to give in I can just think about their words and suddenly I'm as strong as steel. It's not as hard as I thought, not once you get into it properly.
I feel great! I'm getting used to the hunger pains, so now I can really enjoy being thin. I mean, obviously I've still got tons more to lose, but I'm getting there. I'm finally achieving something.
Lots and lots of love,
I can't lie to you, I've had a couple of hiccups. Mia's always been around to help me there though. I don't really like her, if I'm honest, but I know that you do and I trust you. I'd do anything for you, Ana, I really would, do you know that? You're the only true friend I've got - everyone else is against me now. They can't stand that I might be thinner than them so they tell me to put on weight. But I won't. I know what they're really thinking. I don't need them, not so long as I've got you.
Lots of love,
Ugh, I'm so bloated on water I feel like it's going to start leaking out of my ears. I feel disgusting, like some great lumbering hippopotamus. And I'm fucking furry too. All these little hairs have sprung up over me and I have to shave all the time. I look disgusting.
People think I'm stupid too. I have no time for homework because of exercising and when I'm at school I can't concentrate, so my grades have plummeted. I used to be so smart, what's wrong with me? The straight A girl, that was me, and now I can barely manage a C. Useless useless useless.
Everything hurts. I'm covered in bruises - everything I touch seems to leave a mark. Even sitting down is painful, but standing makes me dizzy. Plus my muscles constantly ache from all of the exercise, but still I have to do more. I can't seem to stop myself: it's just another hundred press-ups, another thousand sit-ups, another million crunches.
But it's all worth it, in the end. Nothing compares to the feeling you get when you realise you've reached your goal weight.
You lied to me.
You told me we would be happy. Is this what you call happiness? I'm empty. There's always this sense that I'm suffocating, like I'm dying from the inside out - is that happiness? I can't remember any more. I'm frozen.
You told me that people would like me. They don't, Ana. They don't. They stare at me, whisper about me behind my back. They don't talk to my face much and when they do they tell me I'm a freak, tell me that "real" women have curves. But I'm still a woman, aren't I? Am I? I don't even know. I don't feel like one any more. I don't feel like anything.
You told me I would be beautiful. This is not beauty. My hair is thin, it's lank, it's greasy. I'm covered in spots, my skin's gone grey. You're meant to get shadows under your eyes when you're tired, but mine are more like black holes where my eyes have sunken in. They look hollow - but my cheeks are hollow too, so that's okay, right? My chest looks like it's caved in on itself. You could cut yourself on my collarbones. My thighs have forgotten each other.
But it's not enough.
It's never enough, not for you.
I don't want to be friends any more, Ana.
Please, this is enough. Stop this. Stop doing this. I'm tired but I can't sleep; I can't think of anything except for you.
Why won't you let me go?
I hate you Ana.
But I hate myself more.