To Remember Would be to Forget Change

Memories are pitiable affairs, are they not? We go through life, allowing experiences to evoke emotions within us, give us feelings, opinions, morals, yet when the experience is over, the emotion dead, we're left with only a memory of what has passed.

A memory: an empty shell, blurred image, dulled text. As humans, we are doomed to only experience things once, before they are shuffled into the backs of our minds, only to be reawakened when we need them. Is it not sad how the very experiences that have shaped ourselves are blurred, weakened, reduced to a mere reference, in case we forget our identity?

But what if you can't reference the past? What if when you reach for an empty shell, you find emptiness, darkness instead of a blurred image, a blank page instead of dulled text? What if you forget yourself and you have nothing left to tell you who you were? You have no experiences; does that mean you don't have an identity too?

I would know. I destroyed every last one of my memories. I purged those miserable remnants from my mind. I wanted to forget. I wanted to lose my identity. My memories, my experiences … I hated what they had made me.

And so I cleansed my consciousness of those abominations. I didn't just start anew with a clean slate; I chiselled the old one into an illegible mess. I made it so I couldn't go back to who I was.

Years have passed since then. I have new experiences, a new personality; a new identity. The sorrowful remnants I left behind are no longer an influence in my life. The memories I have now are ones I can look back on with a rueful smile. Even though they're empty shells, I don't mind, because I treasure every one of them for helping me to change.

But now, when I've finally achieved what I wanted to be, the irony of my situation is going to kick in. Those memories that I despised and destroyed? I need them back. Even pain is better than this emptiness.

© Copyright 2012 Mari Thomas. All Rights Reserved.

Hey all! This is just a short one-shot type thing I wrote for an English competition at my school. I won an award, by the way. :-)

I may or may not turn this into a story.

But yeah.