3.21.12

the first time i was suicidal was

my twelfth birthday.

i've been

suicidal

off and on since then.

mostly on.

i've cut for

about

a year now.

hurt myself

for

much longer.

but this, now,

is the

first time

i've felt depression like this.

the complete lack

of

motivation

everyone talks about.

the inability

to get out of bed.

go to class.

talk to

people.

i have no

energy

left. for anything.

even

thought

is leaving me.

but then i go to class

and sometimes

i feel this

normalcy.

this false

normalcy of

emotions.

it's wrong.

i'm faking it.

i know

i am.

because

it always leaves me.

and i

hate

that it does.

or i would, if i had the energy to.

motivation

is a curious thing.

it's there.

and then, all of a sudden,

it's gone.

absent.

as completely

as it was

present

before.

and i have so much to do,

but

i can't do it.

i want to

but i

can't.

and i'm sorry

because all i can find the

patience

to do is

sit here,

typing

my thoughts,

pressing enter

every few words,

or so,

imitating

poetry.

pretending

i have something to say.

because, honestly

i don't really.

except,

well,

nope,

nothing.