Headfirst For Halos
It wasn't easy for me to admit to myself that I was an addict.
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever image that this would happen to me, that this what I would become; a nineteen-year-old loser, a jobless disappointment who lived with her abusive, stoner boyfriend; a young adult that pretty much still had the mentality of a fifteen-year-old, but with the problems of a big girl. Problems I wasn't ready to face.
I was a hot mess, and it was because of him…my boyfriend. I knew deep down in my heart that none of this would have ever happened if it wasn't for him; if only…if only I wouldn't have fallen in love with him.
If only he would have never given me that pill.
I remember that night like it was yesterday.
It was like any other night. It was me, him, and his best friend. We were hanging out in his bedroom, watching South Park and smoking blunts, like we usually did, but when I saw him pull out a bottle of pills, I knew things were about to get interesting.
"What are those?" I had asked him curiously, eyeing the bottle suspiciously. I didn't mess around with pills, or any other drugs for that matter. I smoked pot, but honestly, who didn't? It was a lot safer than drinking alcohol. I had went through that stage before, getting drunk and even spending weekends drinking all alone. Once I started smoking, I gave up drinking, I realized that it wasn't my thing, and I'll always be grateful that it was so easy for me to kick that habit.
"Lorazepam", he told me, "It's an anti-anxiety medication; it's my prescription. I take it when my anxiety is really bad. It'll make you feel great, trust me", he grinned, popping the lid off the bottle and spilling at least eight of the small, round, chalk white pills into his hand, and popping two into his mouth like they were candy. He handed one two his buddy, who excitedly took it and washed it down with Mountain Dew. "Man, I can't wait for this shit to kick in!"
"Don't worry bro, you won't have to wait long. It only takes like fifteen minutes."
"Man, how do you get prescribed this shit? Benzos and Adderall? You're such a boss." His friend smirked.
"Hey, now. Don't make it sound like I'm some kind of pill popping druggie or something…I actually do have ADHD and anxiety. I just have a good doctor", my boyfriend was still holding his hand out to me, trying to coax me to take a pill. "Come on, babe. I know how you feel about pills, but this isn't going to hurt you. You'll be absolutely fine, I can guarantee that. I'll even break it in half if you want, and if you like it, I'll give you the other half. How does that sound."
I was never good at not giving into peer pressure.
I should have just said no.
"Well….sure, fine. Why the hell not", I said confidently, smiling fakely, "If you say I'll be fine, than I trust you. Give me that pill. I hope it's as great as you say it is", I said, winking.
That pill wasn't just great. It was better than I'd ever expected it would be. It would soon become the answers to all my problems, it would become my lifeline, my crutch, everything that I thought about, what I needed to function; that little pill would soon become the downfall of me.
I guess the first time I thought in my head, "Serena, you have a problem" was after Christmas, when I went out and bought benzos for the first time, from a close friend of mine. Well, her boyfriend, actually. It was Xanax, and I remember how excited I was that night to go pick up my pills in the parking lot of the little strip mall down the street from the house; I remember thinking how trashy and desperate I looked, picking up pills in the middle of the night in the parking lot. Once I had gotten my 'footballs', I felt so relieved, and so guilty at the same time, too.
Xanax was never really my thing, though.
I never experienced the so-called euphoric 'rush' or 'high' that so many people claim that comes from Xanax. It helped relieve my anxiety, which was why I chased after the pills in the first place. They put me in a better state of mind. I wasn't an anxious wreck when I popped a Lorazepam, or Xanax. I could get out of bed and try and socialize with people. I could go outside into the world and feel okay going into a crowded store. My discovery of benzos became my obsession, and so did my anxiety. I believed that if I got my hands on benzos, that I wouldn't have to worry about anxiety anymore. Well, I was wrong.
I continued to buy pills off my good friends, and this soon led to my discovery of Valium, which nearly took the best thing that has ever happened to me (and also the worst) in my life, away from me, and nearly led me to take my own life; but ironically, at the same time, it saved me.
Sadly, though, I don't regret experimenting with Valium. If somebody offered me one right now, hell, I'd probably take it.
I was crazy about the Valium from the moment me and my boyfriend got our hands on it; I remember clearly, he'd gotten 10 or 12 pills which he had originally promised would be mine, for 'emergencies.' Little did he know, he was the main cause that I was such an anxious wreck, and that I was always depressed. Once a loving, sweet, gentle, caring and in my eyes, perfect boyfriend, he changed drastically once I moved in, showing his true colors; he had an extremely bad temper, he was controlling, and…emotionally/verbally, and physically abusive.
Every time he hit me, pushed me, punched me, or choked me, I always let him get away with it.
I was convinced that it was my fault, and that I deserved it. He was always right; he had total control over me.
It was a real sick kind of love.
He knew how badly I needed those pills, and how easily it was for him to go refill his own prescription at any point, but he blew through the Valium like they were Skittles, totally fucking me over, which led to me really losing it. I always lost it when I didn't have enough pills, and he couldn't handle it. That night's fight resulted in a broken bong, holes in the walls, a bruise on my chest, and two days away from him which I thought would make everything better, but it didn't.
That night, I wanted to die. I suffered from multiple panic attacks and I'm pretty sure I nearly had a nervous breakdown.
But ironically, the one thing that caused the chaos, well, saved me.
If it weren't for those Valiums that were given to me that night, I knew I would have tried to kill myself, or I just would have ended up in the psych ward because I had a mental breakdown.
"And I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling
And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall
Fall on your tongue like pixie dust just think happy thoughts"
I know I'm not a stable person.
I long for the days when I was sixteen-seventeen years old and I was surrounded by friends, and my biggest worries were gossip, shit talking, stupid guys and school.
Now I'm all grown up, and I have to look in the mirror every day and face this girl with these sad brown eyes that once so full of life. I don't even recognize her anymore. I have to face her every day and come to terms with myself that that miserable, depressed girl who is battling with an ADDICTION is ME.
But I'm just not strong enough.
I've been on a Lorazepam binge for a week now, I'd say. It could be two. I really don't know. I promised myself I wouldn't take any yesterday, but, of course I did. I promised myself I wouldn't take any pills until next week, but of course, my boyfriend had to surprise me with a baggie full of Xanax, that I wasn't even supposed to touch.
I took three.
And that's when I knew I no longer had any self control left. My worst fear had come true; I was addicted to benzos. These drugs controlled me. I felt like I couldn't function without them, and I hated myself, because as much as I blamed my boyfriend for letting me get this bad, I knew I couldn't put all the blame on him, even though he'd been feeding me pills for months.
I could've said no. I could've said no.
What I would do to take back that night I ever tried that pill.
That one pill that changed my life…
Hey everyone, I haven't written anything in a while. I'm finally feeling VERY inspired again, and I'm finding more time to write, so I'll definitely be posting more on the site again! I know a few of you have been asking me if I'm going to be posting any new stories, and the answer is yes.
This piece, honestly, was quite hard for me to write as it hits close to home, if you know what I'm saying. Most of what I'll be posting will most likely be about addiction. As depressing/angsty as this story was, I hope you guys enjoyed it! Feedback is very much appreciated!