A/N: even though I didn't ever send the finished version of this chapter to my betas MyLifeSoundtrack and Sakia Rumei, they were still integral to the crafting of it. Oh god. This is a big-feels type situation.
Josh bursts out laughing at a line in the movie he'd chosen, laugh muffled by the food in his mouth. Caid curls closer to him and nuzzles at Josh's cheek for a kiss. He gets one, a quick peck that tastes a little like ketchup. It's gross and wonderful all at once.
"What's happening now?" he asks, twisting so he's splayed on Josh's chest. Josh's arm circles around him and adjusts him so Caid's head is under his chin.
"They're picking out costumes for the robbery," he answers, thumb sending goosebumps careening down Caid's upper arm. "One of them is a giant rabbit. It's totally stupid." He's laughing, though, like it's the funniest thing ever, and Caid can't help but laugh, too.
He doesn't pretend that this is normal. That this is their life. That this room is their home and this day is just like all the others. He doesn't. But he wants to.
To distract himself, he presses his mouth to Josh's neck, pursing his lips briefly before sliding them apart for his tongue. Josh tastes a little like salt and dirt. He hasn't showered since the tournament, and the headiness of the flavor on Caid's tongue makes his pulse spike.
Caid feels the way Josh hums more than he hears it—chases it with his lips until he's licking at the hollow of Josh's throat.
"Hold on," Josh says, shifting away to put the plates on a table or something. Caid lets his bare feet skid over the stiff cotton of the comforter, feeling languid and anxious all at once. His body doesn't feel like his own—but better, but sexier—and when Josh climbs back into the bed and pulls them flush together, Caid immediately puts his hands on Josh's face and angles in for a deep kiss.
"I've thought about that night you kissed me so many times," he says, running his hands over the close-buzz of Josh's hair. Active in a way he hadn't been then.
"Me, too," Josh says, easing onto his back so Caid is on top of him.
"Did you know I came? You didn't even touch my dick and I came just from you holding me." He rubs his hips down against Josh's, getting him hard, getting him desperate.
"Yeah," Josh says, sexy little catch in his breath. "I wanted to lick you clean."
"God," Caid says, pumping his hips steadily now. "Why didn't you?" He remembers how hot he felt that night, how wrung-out. Imagines Josh tonguing over his cock after—how he would've gotten hard again, squirming under the attention.
Josh goes stiff, now, though, and eases out from under Caid. Sits on the edge of the bed. Caid scrambles to follow, getting up on his knees to kiss Josh's shoulders through his shirt, rubs his upper arms. "What?" he says. "Where'd you go?"
"It's just you were so young. You're still so young. And that's not even the most fucked up part about this."
Caid whines and pushes at Josh until he can straddle his legs and press his face into Josh's cheek. "No, no," He says desperately, digging his fingernails into Josh's chest. "Come back, no. Get out of your head and be with me." He knows he sounds petulant and juvenile, which is the last thing Josh probably needs right now, but he can't help it. His cock is so hard, he can barely think, can only grind helplessly into the jut of Josh's hip.
"Caid," Josh moans softly, but still with trepidation. "We shouldn't be—"
"I thought we were past that." Caid leans in and ghosts his breath hot over Josh's ear. "You said you'd do anything I wanted you to," he murmurs, and Josh's groan washes over him as it vibrates under his palms. "Remember?"
"Yes," Josh hisses, hands curving over Caid's waist as his hips thrust up, and oh god, Caid is going to come in his pants.
"Were you lying?" he asks, catching Josh's lower lip between his teeth and tugging hard. He ruts against Josh's stomach, moaning and making a slut of himself.
"No," he says, inhaling sharply through his nose as his body comes alive under Caid's hands, like he's waking up from a dream and happy for it to be morning. Caid grins and cups Josh's face in his hands so he knows how to angle for a kiss, and Josh surges up to meet him, dropping kisses over his chin and jaw, murmuring his name and how "I love you, you stupid kid."
"Don't call me a kid," Caid says, unable to kiss back properly because he can't stop smiling, and he thinks he could die right now and be happy. But no, that's not true, he wants to have this every second of every day. And even that's not right, he thinks. He thinks he never wants this to stop being novel, but he wants to carry the feeling of it around on his lips, familiar and warm. "I want—" he gasps as Josh tongues his Adam's apple.
"Tell me you love me," Josh says, selfish bastard, and Caid gasps out a laugh, grinds down in Josh's lap and says, "Make me."
Josh's hands curl hard around his thighs and he picks him up, walks a few steps until he's got Caid pressed between him and a wall. "I love that you're strong enough to do this," Caid says, rocking forward so Josh can feel how much he loves it.
"I could fuck you like this," Josh growls, and Caid swallows down a whine. "Will that get you to say it?"
"Say what?" Caid asks, smirking. Josh bites down on his shoulder hard and Caid moans. "I love that you bite," he sighs. "Come on. Mark me up."
"God damn it," Josh whispers, and arranges Caid easier around him so he can move down towards the bed, tosses Caid onto like he's nothing.
Caid flops back against the pillows and says, "Mmm, I love that you throw me around."
"Shut up," Josh says, clambering on top of him and biting his ear. "Tell me, Caid. I want to hear it."
"No," Caid says. "Not until you earn it."
Josh growls and says, "Hands or mouth?"
"H-huh?" Caid gasps, brain short-circuiting.
"How do you want me?" Josh says. "This time. How do you want me to earn it?"
"God," Caid says, pressing his head hard into the pillows to keep from flying apart. "Hands. Give me your—put your hands on me."
"Tell me you love me and I'll give you my mouth," Josh teases, bunching Caid's shirt up to his armpits and licking his sternum. It sends a shock of breath from his mouth, lights him up that much more.
"Nuh-no," Caid says, thrashing around a little. "Not yet. It'll be over too quick, just. Hands. Please. Put them…" he breaks off in a moan.
"Where?" Josh says, easing Caid's jeans down over his hips, leaving them on his thighs so Caid can't get his legs open very wide. "Put them where, Caid?"
"I hate you," Caid whines as Josh's fingers sweep over his inner thighs. "My cock. Put them—hnngh."
Josh doesn't waste time, just gets his hand in a fist on Caid's dick and works into a brutal rhythm, hauling him up by the back of his neck with his other hand and talking straight into his mouth. "Tell me."
Caid gasps, heat spiraling in until the whole world's got to be burned-out, a husk, and they're the hot, white center of it. The words are in his throat, on his tongue. I love you. I love you, damn it, and you know it. But he can't speak, can only nod his head like crazy and make aborted little noises. His chin knocks against Josh's and he turns it into a shaky kiss, mouth gross with half-dried spit and lack of grace. Josh doesn't let up, just strips him harder, faster, clumsy and determined. Caid shudders, and comes with a whine. Pressing on Josh's wrist to get him to stop when it's too much.
Josh makes a noise that Caid knows means he's proud of himself—like he's getting a big head about how fast he made Caid come—and Caid has never been one to let that slide, so he says, "Clean me up, then."
He's a little shocked at how in-control he sounds even though he feels blown wide open. Josh mutters something about him being bossy, but Caid knows he likes it. Knows because he listens, quick, and starts dragging his tongue in these long, messy sweeps over Caid's stomach and moaning like he can't get enough. He brings some of it to Caid on his tongue, and Caid gasps, shocked and excited about how filthy it feels to have his own come sliding from Josh's tongue into his mouth. He throws his arms around Josh's neck to keep him there, unconcerned that he's pressing his sticky chest and stomach against Josh's t-shirt. "God, you're so sexy," he says when he can bear to pull away long enough to get the words out. "I knew you would be, but, fuck."
He expects Josh to laugh and say, Yeah, obviously, but instead he says, "I've never done this with anyone before." It's not true—not exactly—Caid knows. But it's also new enough for both of them so that it feels true. So that anyone else they've been with is just shadow, a step they had to take to get to this moment, where they're both so open and trusting of each other that they could do anything. They could do the most obscene things they've ever thought and it would feel bright and perfect.
He chooses not to think about how Tally fits into that.
Instead, he rolls them over and kicks out of his jeans and boxers. Tells Josh to get his cock out so he can circle his hand around the base of it and kiss the head, lewd and devoted. Josh trembles under him in a way that feels more vulnerable than Caid has ever known him to be, so he pulls back a little, lets his lower lip brush over the slit as he says, "I love you," finally. It feels right like that, somehow, dirty and pure all at once.
Whatever Josh says is blurred out by the roaring of Caid's blood in his ears as he wrenches open his jaw and takes Josh in as deep as he can.
Later, they sleep.
Caid wakes up sticky and still exhausted, but panicked at having wasted any time. Josh grumbles at Caid's shifting around and stretches, joints popping as he does. "Oh gross," he says, "I'm going to take a shower."
Caid follows him into the bathroom like he's been invited, and Josh doesn't comment on it. It feels like they're both in sync enough to know that for now their lives are wide open to each other.
Josh guides him into the shower, palm under his thigh to lift his leg to the right height, other arm around his middle to keep him steady. It's more contact that Caid needs, strictly speaking, but he likes it.
He likes it even more when Josh washes him off, steady circling of a washcloth over his skin, hands wandering aimlessly over places that aren't erogenous, but feel good anyway. Until he slides his hand down the arch of Caid's back, fingers teasing into the first hint of crease at the top of his ass. Caid automatically presses back into them, so they slip in deeper, and he and Josh gasp in tandem.
"Oh," Josh says quietly.
"I want you to," Caid says back, and it very quickly becomes a whirl of limbs and desperation after that, until Josh has hauled them both out of the shower and pressed Caid belly-first against a freezing cold mirror. Caid hisses in discomfort until the glass heats up with him.
"Do you mean it?" Josh asks, and Caid laughs, because only Josh would ask that after throwing him against a wall.
"Yeah," Caid says. "Please."
"Tell me how," Josh says, gripping both of Caid's wrists in one hand and pulling them up above his head, pressing them into the wall. Caid feels taut and lean with the stretch.
"Is there lotion or something? By the sink? Get it and put it on your fingers." Josh's body shifts behind him, still keeping hold of his wrists, but leaning over to get the lotion. Caid listens to him fumble with the cap one-handed and the squelch of him dipping one finger in, and then another.
"Go easy," Caid says when he hears the bottle hit the floor. "I haven't…I've only done this once and it was a long time ago."
Josh tangles his fingers in Caid's and licks behind his ear. "I'll be gentle," he says, like Caid is something he cherishes. He presses the tip of his finger against Caid's opening and Caid pants out a breath, remembering in a rush how it feels to be breached. The pressure and fullness, the overwhelming sense of being owned—of trusting someone enough to let them inside him.
And that was with someone he didn't love.
Suddenly air is hard to come by, and he takes heaving gulps of it as Josh works a finger into him, murmuring, "Okay? 'm I doing alright?"
Caid huffs out a laugh. "You're supposed to be checking in on me, not asking for a performance review." Josh wriggles his finger inside of Caid, making him feel the burn, and Caid shifts his stance, spreads his legs wider and arches his back, his chest pushing into the mirror. "But yeah," he says, fucking himself back on Josh's finger. "You're doing great."
"Caid," Josh says, sounding blown apart, and Caid keeps fucking his finger, grunting at the slow drag of it.
"Another," he says. "Come on."
He makes Josh do most of the work this time, bracing himself on his forearms and moaning at the stretch.
"Did you bring condoms?" he pants, reaching down to stroke his cock a little—get it back to full hardness.
"Yeah," Josh says. "They're in here, hold on, let me—" he pulls his fingers out gingerly, whimpering in sympathy when Caid whines at the loss. He feels like he's gaping open and indecent, poised to be claimed but still shivering at being alone.
He grits his teeth together, chest heaving, as Josh presses against him again and says, "Ready?"
He doesn't wait for an answer, or at least Caid doesn't notice saying yes, but maybe it's clear from the way he's surrendering himself.
It hurts when Josh pushes in—it's work for Caid to ease his body open and let him in, but when his chest finally hits Caid's back and he's gasping like he's never felt anything so good, it's worth it.
"Caid," Josh says, "Oh, you look—" a gasp, "You look…"
"Tell me," Caid says, "Please. Tell me." The mirror is hot and slick under his palms, breath moist where it bounces back over his mouth. Josh has one hand on his hip, and the other tangled in one of Caid's hands and he thrusts up so perfectly that pleasure pulses through him in waves.
"Your lips are swollen," Josh says, "And your chest is flushed. You're—you've always been—beautiful."
"What about—" Caid groans, feeling his toes curl against the tiles as Josh's hand closes over his cock. "What about you? Tell me what you look like."
"Oh, I'm hideous," Josh says, biting down on Caid's shoulder. "A complete boor."
"Shut up," Caid says, pinching at Josh's fingers. "Please. Josh."
A gust of air over the back of his neck. "I look—fuck, I look wrecked. My lips are red, too, from yours. And swollen." He slicks them along the side of Caid's neck like, feel. "And my eyes," They both stutter out moans as Josh thrusts in hard, "They're so dark. Black, almost. I want you so bad, I've—"
"Have me," Caid breathes. "You have me."
"Yeah," Josh says. "Touch yourself. Let me see you."
Caid does, going in time with Josh's thrusts, precome dripping all over his shaking grip. Josh is chanting his name, brushing fluttering kisses over the back of his neck and shoulders. "Jesus, baby," he says, "You're so sexy I want to die."
"I want you inside me all the time," Caid babbles. "God, don't ever leave."
"M'afraid I'm not going to last that long."
Caid moans pitifully, clamping down hard on Josh's cock like that's going to keep him there. "I want you to be mine. Josh. Come on. Gimme it."
Josh chokes on a swallow, hips stuttering hard into him as he comes, and Caid hates the condom. Wants to be a mess with Josh's come. He whines as he strips himself fast and harsh so he can finish before Josh has to pull out.
He comes, calf- and thigh-muscles burning from staying upright, and collapses against the wall, trembling.
Josh lifts him up like a baby, one arm under his knees and the other around his back, and carries him back to the shower. Cleans him up, paying careful attention to his sore opening, hushing him when he winces.
He feels so wrung-out he can barely make it back to bed, letting Josh arrange their bodies as he pleases, accepting sloppy kisses and reassuring him that, "You felt so good in me, Josh. I loved it. I loved it."
Josh kisses his jaw. Says, "You sure?" Sweeps his fingers over Caid's opening like he's checking for hurts.
"Mmm," Caid says. Josh moves away for a minute and comes back with his fingers slick with lotion, and Caid inhales, warm-close feeling from a moment earlier dropping away to overwhelming pleasure-pain as Josh sinks a finger in, deep and sure. "Josh," he says, gulping in huge gasps of air, his mouth cotton-dry and throat rasping. "I can't." He moans then, as Josh's fingers curl in him, scraping over spots that felt so bright and delirious before, but now feel jagged and intense.
"You can," Josh whispers, breath ghosting over the head of Caid's dick, his other hand fondling Caid's balls. "Come on."
Caid starts shaking his head, tears pricking his eyes, too overwhelmed as Josh mouths at the base of his cock, licks kittenish at the hollows of his hips. Holds Caid's limp dick in his hand and just cradles it—he's playing. "Oh god," Caid chokes, because he wants this always. Wants Josh to know his body as well as he knows his own. For him to touch and lick and kiss and stroke every part of him, all the time, to feel entitled to it.
"I can't," he whines again, tears coming fast now as Josh's kisses turn lush on the skin behind his balls, as his tongue rubs over Caid's entrance. "Please, oh god."
"You can do it, baby," Josh says, "Just gimme one more." The way he says it, low and soothing, selfish, makes something blazingly hot break open in Caid's stomach—a flush of longing, only crueler than that. He sobs, curls in on himself, and feels the bed shake as Josh gets up on his knees to pull Caid's hands away from his face. "Hey," he says, "Hey, what's this? Caid?"
"I just," Caid says, tears clogging up his throat and sobs loud and terrible in his chest. "Need a minute."
"Okay, yeah," Josh says, sounding shaken. "I…I'll go—"
"No!" Caid says, "Please just…don't touch me for a second, I just need to catch my breath."
Josh rearranges himself, while Caid sobs into his hands, thinking about how he's ruining this—the one time he's going to get it—but there isn't anyway to stop it. His heart is actually aching in his chest.
He cries for what feels like a long time, until his throat is burning at its base, a tight knot he can't swallow down. "I'm sorry," he says, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. "Could you…could you come hold me?"
"What just happened?" Josh says, looping his arms around Caid's torso, but hesitantly, like he's afraid he'll break him.
"I don't know," Caid says, pressing his hot face into Josh's neck. "I'm sorry."
Josh kisses his forehead and leaves his lips there for a while, stroking his back with both hands. "What happened?" he asks again.
Caid bites his lip, afraid he's going to start crying all over again, but manages to say, "It just got a little intense."
Josh laughs gently, confused. "I feel like the whole day's been really intense. Was it—I mean, was it something specific I did?" Caid does start crying again then, tears hot and stinging on his cheeks. Josh makes a hurt noise and holds him closer. "You have to tell me. So I don't do it again."
"It's not—that's the problem. You're not going to be able to do it again."
"Make you cry? I hope not."
"Touch me like I'm yours."
Josh breathes out choppily, his hands spreading out over Caid—one on his hip, one on his neck—like he wants to touch as much skin as he can get. "We said we weren't going to think about that today," he says, sounding annoyed even while he's dragging Caid up by the back of his neck to kiss an eyelid, the bridge of his nose.
"I wasn't. Until…it was just really…you were touching me like you couldn't get enough of me, and I wanted to give you everything. All the time. For the rest of…god, just. Shut me up or—"
"Jesus, sweetheart," Josh says, and rolls Caid on top of him, splayed over his chest and kisses him, tipping up his chin and rubbing his nose over Caid's cheek. "I love you."
And for the first time, Caid is so intensely jealous of Tally that he hates her a little bit—that she gets this. That she gets to have him. Suddenly it seems so stupid that they're all trying so hard for something that's broken. He wants to tell Josh to leave her. Wants to beg him to be with him instead. To promise him anything.
"I love you, too." And feels something start ripping apart in his chest.
He falls asleep in Josh's arms, listening to Josh's breath even out and deepen, his hold going slack around Caid, but still reassuring. Still his for now.
The last time, Josh murmurs something about the sun and slides into him with a groan. They're both sore and used up, but it doesn't stop them from moving slow against each other, Caid moaning pitifully as his pleasure is wrung out of him. "Ah, god," he says when Josh's callused hand grips his cock and strokes. He feels raw, but he can't stop, not yet, just once more, just—
"Oh," Josh says, hot breath panting against the side of Caid's neck as he comes. Caid follows right after, weakly, groaning in almost-pain.
Josh curls around Caid, his leg thrown over Caid's hip, and Caid lies there panting, heart slamming anxiously in his chest. "What time is it?" he asks.
Josh shifts, hooks his chin over Caid's shoulder, and says, "Ten."
"We should check out," Caid says.
"Yeah," Josh says. But neither of them moves.
"Was it worth it, do you think?" Caid asks, wondering how he'd answer the question if asked.
Josh doesn't answer for a long time, until finally he says, "I don't know," and tilts Caid's head back to kiss him. He tastes salty with tears, but Caid doesn't say anything about it.
A/N: ugh. You guys have no idea how much my inner teenage-fanfic-writing-self was whining about turning this chapter into a song-fic. I restrained her (thank god) by keeping the lyrics for this author's note, but here they are.
If my bones were wrapped around you
my skin was right in front of you
and you smile and close your eyes
I'm yours tonight
It's Benjamin Francis Leftwich's "Don't Go Slow" and I srsly listened to it on repeat like 75 times during the writing of this chapter.
As usual—but with as much fervent adoration as always—I want to thank all of you reading and reviewing. It means so much to me, I can't even begin to say. I just…my feels are on high alert right now, so watch out or I'ma spew love all over you.
p.s. I'm still catching up on reading, but I have today off, hooray!