Still Too Far Away


Is it too late to say I love you? I ask myself this everyday since..the day my life became a living hell.

It all started when my mom asked me to go to the grocery store. I had to get bread, milk, and butter. I almost finished the list but I still needed to get the bread. Where was the damn bread? It was like the whole grain ile disapeared.

Right when I was gonna ask the clerk where the bread was, I smacked into a wall. Wait, not a wall. A boy. A cute boy. He had mousy brown hair, and deep green sea eyes. He had a green shirt on that matched his eyes so well, sneakers and skinny jeans that some guys can't pull off but he could rock them. When he looked at me, all my insides melted. He grabbed my arm to steady me, but heck, I wasn't going to be steady staring into those eyes.

He asked if I was okay, with one of those million dollar smiles. I told him my name. I. Felt. Like. An. Idiot. But, maybe he likes idiots, because he just starts laughing. It was the cutest laugh I've ever heard. The next thing I know, we started exchanging numbers. I find out his name is Nick. Nick likes to paint, play the guitar, and run. He's a sophmore, like me. He's artsy, like me. He's a me.

One year later, I'm sitting in Nick's funeral.

Everybodys having their turn to say goodbye and go up to the coffin. Then it's my turn. But I just can't bring my feet up there. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I never was, and I never will be.


In there is the boy I shared hugs and kisses with.

In there is the boy that would call me at 4 a.m just to say "I love you".

In there is the boy I wished to spend my life with.

In there is the boy I'd laugh and paint with for hours.

In there is the boy I couldn't spend lengths of time away from.

In there is my ...D-E-A-D boyfriend.

I look around at the people who Nick loved most. I see his mother, who's crying for someone to please bring her son back. In her I see myself, crying, yelling, and screaming for Nick to come back. He should be here. Next, I see his cousin Seth. Seth was like a brother to him, if Nick wasn't with me he was spending time with Seth. Seth looks at me and smiles. He looks like he's gonna come over here and ask if I'm okay. Like everyone else. I always say yes to be polite. But I'm done saying yes. Because I'm not okay. When someone who shines up your world dies, your not okay. You feel like hell. So instead I tell my sister I'm ready to leave.

The whole ride home, my Mom and sister drill me on how life goes on. But all the while, I'm thinking on what I'm going to do when I get home. On how I'm going to get out of this black dress because I'm tired of seeing black. Black coffins. Black shoes. Black pants. Black hats. Black hearts. Then I'm going to take a shower and start on my homework. But when I step inside my room when we get home, my legs fail me and I go tumbling down crying my black heart out.

I wake up in my bed still in the black dress. I stay like that for a couple of minutes. Just staring off into space. My thoughts go back to a day in February. I remember waking up wondering what Nick had planned for us today. Since it was Valentine's day, I thought maybe he had planned a dinner or a walk on the beach. So when my phone rang I was all giddy inside.


"Good morning beautiful."

"Good moring Nick."

" I was wondering if you could open your window and look outside."

" Umm, okay", I said with a grin in my voice. I went to go open my window and looked down. There he was. With more than a thousand roses sprawled around him spelling "Will you be my Valentine?"

I shut the window and ran down stairs, opening the front door, running as fast as my legs could take me. I jumped into his wide open arms whispering "yes" over and over again. When he sets me down, he kisses my face all over. From my ear to my jaw bone to my chin and saves my lips for last. I looked into those beautiful green eyes and know that he's home. Because home isn't a place. It's a person.

So what do you do when you've lost home?