we're making the angels write down curse words.

we ask them to scribe our hearts' deepest desires

and pretend that they have written the word "love"

over and over and over again

because we like to think that's how romantic we are.

only the deepest parts of our hearts know we aren't

and the only thing we've ever wished for

isn't to actually be better

just different.

we're not who we like to pretend we almost were.

we are who we know we are and wish we weren't.

and i might believe in god by now but i still haven't gained the courage

to face mecca, get on my knees, press my forehead to the ground and say

i believe in something greater and more all-encompassing than myself

and finally give up on the idea that i am all i need to be whole.

take this as my offering, i refuse to stay this selfish.

i was not born into this world, i was born out of it, and

i am a part of you just like you are a part of me

and we have a lot more in common than we may think

because we are made of the same bits of stars

that gave themselves to become us.

who else has the courage to change like that?

and i wonder, on dark sleepless nights

where the moon is lonely in the sky and the stars have retired elsewhere,

do they consider me worthy?

will god accept what i have to give

even if until now i have only made offerings at the altar of self-destruction

and have turned my back

on anyone who has tried to love me,

forgive me.

forgive them, for they know not what they do.

forgive me, for i know not how i hurt you.

i have always made excuses.

i have always denied i needed anyone else's help.

so please understand that this is hard for me

but i am getting on my knees

pressing my forehead to the ground and asking,

please don't just help me different.

I want to be better.

al-hamdu lillahi rabbil 'alamin.

I want to be better.