Once Upon a Knock-Off


Goldilocks lived in a small town, back when you had to ride your bike to school and girls wouldn't faint or squeal at the sight of a shirtless Taylor Lautner. She lived with her mother, commonly referred to as: "that old broom who claims to be my mom."

Goldilocks (I would use Goldi, but she's standing right here, and has a mean arm attached to that body of hers) loved to go into the woods. She'd go in everyday with a bow and arrow and come illegally out with at least two deer. She'd bribe the police with one of them since it was a poor town, and lock herself in her room and devour the meat.

One day around three, she took a wrong turn in the path the other crooks had made.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it right there, narrator," she yelled into the sky, "we prefer to be called hunters. You hear that? Hunters. You ever read the Hunger Games? They don't call each other crooks!" She pointed at a cloud that resembled a squirrel eating a nut.

Little brat.

Anyway, here we are, lost in the woods. Goldilocks knew that she was lost, and regretted not bringing her MAD Magazine. She started to skip throughout the woods, hoping to stumble upon a McDonalds.

She skipped into a clearing, and saw a rather crummy house. Oh well. Whaddya gonna do? A man seemed to be walking too, and they both stopped to talk.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"To that little cottage. I'm tired, hungry, and hope to lie down and rest for a while."

"Oh, no! That's the place where the three bears live! They went out this morning, and if they come back they'd be awfully mad if somebody sat in their chairs, eaten their porridge, and slept in their beds."

"Ah, I don't worry about that," she said, shrugging it off.


Goldilocks leaned up into the guy's face and said like a good bully would; "Because I'm a MEAN little girl!" she started towards the house.

The peasant shook his head and continued on his way to the McDonalds that was right around the corner.

Goldilocks started humming a tune (really annoying. You're SO lucky I don't write this in, she's a bad singer!), and glared at the squirrel shaped cloud that still floated above her.

There was a fence around the house, reaching about two inches above her head. She first tried crawling under it, but couldn't suck in her butt enough to fit in between the ground and chain-linked fence. She then tried jumping over it, but couldn't get her feet high enough. Getting tired, she just decided to run through it.

Yeah…bad decision.

After wiping the dirt off of her bottom and closing the five feet's' distance she had bounced backwards, saw the fence four feet to her right.

The door was wide-open (the house door. The fence didn't have a door), and she walked in.

"Yo peeps! Your doors open! Somebody could just barge in with a gun and shoot you!" she had entered into the kitchen. There were three seats with porridge sitting in front on a long table.

She sat in the first seat, and said, "My God, this isn't worth a dead bug to sit on!"

She sat in the medium chair, and said, "This one's too much like a water bed, and I'm getting sea sick just sitting here!"

She sat in the smallest chair and said, "this one's just…like the first one, except colder! How do bears sit in these?"

She got up and decided to stand. "So much for a decent rest. Hey narrator, can't you create a seat just right, like in the original story?"

No! Now shut up and go along with it or I'll kill you off!

Goldilocks sighed and took a test bite of the largest bowl. "Ewe! This is too cold!"

She took a step to the right and chomped a bite of the medium bowl, "this is even colder than the first one!"

She slid to the right and took a bite of the smallest one, "this is like ice! Who eats porridge that's as cold as ice? Why can't they just catch up and get a microwave or something? I mean, who doesn't live with a microwave? It's just not right!" with a disgusted sigh; she got up and went into the next room.

There were three chairs in the middle of this room. "Why are there three chairs just sitting here? Are they throwing them out or something?" she walked into the next room.

Unfortunately, the porridge didn't agree with her stomach, and right now I'm playing cards with my brother, Scott. It's been about…fifteen minutes? Yeah, around fifteen or twenty. Ah, here she—oh mother of God! There was a bottle of Ferbreeze sitting on the table! PLEASE get it!

Finally. There was another hallway, a set of stairs leading up to the top. "Well, while nobody's around. I might as well raid something." She went upstairs.

There were three beds in one room. "OK, I can't imagine sleeping in the same room as my mother, she snores too loudly, and I can't imagine what a bear sounds like. Maybe their wallets are under the pillows, since the shelves are empty."

She went up to the first bed, and got in. "Agh! Doesn't this guy sleep with a—no, he doesn't!" there wasn't a mattress. Just the bed frame. "Yeesh, that bear must have serious issues. These chairs remind me too much of the school's."

She went to the second bed. "Let's see how you are," she climbed into this bed, "this is a waterbed! I can't stand these things!"

She got up and went to the smallest bed. "But this one is…just like the first one! Fine, I'll stay in the—ooh, a twenty!" she pulled a twenty out of the pillow case, which the narrator took away. "Oh come on, really?" she screamed.

Goldilocks got up and went into the middle bed. Meanwhile the three bears had come back from the mines. With the papa bear dragging mama bear behind, he said: "I can't believe you and Doc were together!"

"It was just a little while!"

"But you didn't tell me! And he lived with Snow White, who gave us food! You told her about this, but not me!"

"She was trustworthy!"

"But how did you not expect her not to cry after telling the poor dear you ate her best friend?"

"Well, it was better than letting missing posters fly across the kingdom! And we would have been caught, I never eat the clothes."

The baby bear, or cub, was trailing behind. He couldn't believe he wasn't allowed to eat any dwarves until he left home. Oh well. Just another year. And then perhaps he could ask out that sweet dame, what was her name again? Oh yeah. Belle. The cub (his real name is Harry, but nobody ever tells you that, now do they?) had heard that she was into the furry kind.

When they got back to their cottage, the fence looked pretty banged up, and the door was shut!

"Huh. I guess the wind shut it." Papa bear (Hobbes) walked in.

"I have told you time after time; shut the Goddamn door when we leave!"

"But-hey! Somebody's been sliding to the right!"

"And to the left!"

"Now cha-cha real slow," they all ran into the next room.

Goldilocks had gotten sick lying in the water bed, and was currently in the bathroom. Each heave twisted her bowels into a sailor's knot, and—

"Shut up! This is already horrible!" she heaved into the toilet.

The three bears were in the bare room with the three chairs. "How many times have I told you Hobbes, take these old piles of splinters to the dump!" Mama bear (Agnes) nagged. As you can tell, she nags a lot.

"Well, what would you do with the room after they were gone? They really tie the room together!"

They ran to the edge of the bathroom. Henry said, "Hey, look! Somebody left a—" he was cut off by Hobbes, who grabbed his son's mouth to keep it shut.

"Nobody points that out! Agnes, dear-"

"Got it," unlike the little brat who didn't spray enough, Agnes flushed the toilet and made sure to mop the floors with Ferbreeze. They walked upstairs and into the bedroom.

Goldilocks was currently in the closet, letting her stomach settle from the…unpleasantness. She could also hear the three—

"Yeah, yeah the three bears. Couldn't you have let them come in here a little later?"

No. Goldilocks unfortunately said these things too loud, and all three of the bears heard her.

"Goddamn you!"

Hobbes opened the door and saw the girl, with a pale face and a few drops of the vomit still on her chin.

"YOU!" he bellowed, "You're the one who did that to my toilet!"

Agnes came up behind him with their plunger, crying. "I can't flush it! I can't flush it! We'll have to move!"

"Hey babe," Henry came up now, "into bears?"

Goldilocks stared at them all for a moment, and slowly got up, walked to the window (approximately two steps to the left) and jumped out. Luckily, it was only eleven feet to the ground. She got up, and began to run with a slight limp in her—

"It's broken!" she screamed.

Oh grow up, you'll be fine. She ran into the fence, trying to go through it, while the three bears were running out the door.

"Are you insane? Have that beast stay here?"

"Well, I think that she should," Hobbes said. Agnes pushed him out of her way (Mama Bears are estimated to be stronger than the males when they get this angry, and you definitely DO NOT want to be in her way, much less want to BE the one she's chasing) and barged straight towards Goldilocks.

She scrambled up and outside, while Mama Bear ran straight into the chain link fence. "Why did we have this put here? All that we do is run into it!"

They continued running, while both 'men' stayed behind.

"Well, we wanted her to stay." Henry said, shrugging.

Goldilocks was quite a ways away (tongue twister!) when she ran into the same peasant she had before.

"Help me! Help me!"

"What did I tell you about the bears? As a jerk would say right about now: I told you so."

"What? Oh, no. I lost the bear a couple of minutes ago, I think."

"Don't you mean three bears?"

She smiled like a school girl. "Well, Papa and Baby wanted me to hang around." There was roaring in the distance. "Whoops! Gotta go!"

They ran around until Goldilocks found the McDonalds that was a few feet to her left. Agnes was running so fast, she didn't have time to stop when Goldi held the door open. Agnes ran in, and was never heard from again.

Epilogue: that McDonalds was estimated to be one of the most popular because of their new "Bear Burger." After a while, all of the bears in the area began to disappear.

Henry went on his first date with Goldilocks.

Hobbes remarried to a recently divorced Snow White (her prince had disappeared around the same time the Bear Burger came out).

Both bears learned that they couldn't take care of the house, and that the bathroom was haunted. By their own toilet.

The narrator was cruelly beaten to death for killing off so many people, and the person who is doing this epilogue is her brother, Scott.

LOL, I don't really have a brother named Scott. This is an idea that just came to mind after watching Once Upon a Time, and I happen to like this idea. Let me know of you want a certain fairy tale, and I'll write it!