when i was awake your eyes had
so much light, great dark oceans with
angler fish, luring me in, deeper and deeper
you laughed and smiled and
provoked my heart to beat for you, in sync with
your every sugary word. i couldn't resist it.
the idea of you gave me diabetes.
(but then you insisted "i never meant any of it" and i
told you i knew that, because you taught me to lie
i am infallibly stupid. ignoramus, dunce-cap-deserver.
i believed in you. i believed in the thoughts and things
you never should've been saying. i never should've believed.
(and you'd deny it, too, if i brought it up and asked.
innocent landmine. thinking that just
pretending, lying will make it all fade away. or maybe it's
either you lied to me then or you're
lying to me now.
or somehow neither, and the past is all that happened.
"i used to feel." i'm sure you didn't.)
i'm still just facing the facts, but they're not even in english so
how should i study for this
(because you're testing me, you don't even know it but
you're testing me and i'm
so sick of it.
watch me crumble like
i still feel. i'm sure you didn't)
i've lost the light in your eyes, i've lost the
idealism versus realism war. broke the sliding scale.
i've lost the light in your eyes,
how will i find my way out of the dark?
(because i'm still trapped, fuck you, i'm still
it's pretty pathetic.)