Sense Went Out to Lunch
Hello all. This is Hlrest/Agni speaking.
What is this story? A crazy one, I'll say at that. It's an absurdist comedy, with a healthy dose of paordy on the side. Really, it's just all-out INSANE. Not now, however...right now, characters must be introduced! But, I shall say: when this story finally hits its stride-chapter 2, for those of you wondering, it's going to get a LOT funnier.
Hello, and welcome to the world of Altacia.
Normally, this would the time where this wonderful fantasy world would be detailed, which usually means "ripped off of Tolkien except for like two minor changes". But that won't happen here, as the author was too lazy to even rip off of Tolkien. Or make this story make sense at all.
In this world, lies one boy. His name is Sjorn, as fantasy heroes must always have vaguely Germanic names (It's in the "Fantasy Heroes for Dummies", page 32, look it up). Sjorn is a normal boy, living in a village of Nestret in the upper states of Altacia. He is of 16 years of age, and has a best friend of Alius (Bullshit-Latin names are experiencing a revival for fantasy heroes now…).
This is not a story of epic heroes, titanic villains, and wondrous fantasy worlds.
This is the story of one incredibly stupid boy and his friends.
Sjorn had finished his daily work as an apprentice for the blacksmith of his town, Georg. Georg did work him hard, but the pay was good. It allowed Sjorn much money for leisure, though he stole anything he wanted anyway. He was a cowardly thief at heart. Or so I'm told.
Like always, Alius was walking with him. Alius had a much more direct view on life, but wasn't as suicidal/stupid/both as Sjorn. He favored the lance as a weapon (Sjorn preferred either daggers or swords, because ALL fantasy heroes prefer swords, dammit).
"You know, you should do something other than just work in that damn forge." Alius suggested to him as they were walking, his unkempt brown hair striking quite noticeably with Sjorn's dark and deep blue. Alius was wearing the traditional knight's armor of Altacia, adorned with the country's flag.
"My father is the great Siegfried of Altacia, Alius!" Sjorn countered in response. "He's killed over a ten thousand level-99 Bosses! He's level 100 himself! I don't have to work at all, when I've got him for a father!" He boasted to no one in particular.
"Yes, but you don't actually do any damn thing yourself. Don't you want to actually adventure and make him proud? He did die—now's the time to carry on the legacy!"
"Hell no, that requires expending effort. Why do that when I can just talk about him a lot and bask in his shadow?"
Alius brought his hand to his face (even in fantasy stories, the glorious facepalm exists) "Because that's boring. You're supposed to surpass your master, dammit! I've been working to beat the knight that teaches me for years! Damn, I'm still just a squire…."
Sjorn gave Alius a large pat on the back. "You work too much, man. If I had some bitchin' equipment, I'd totally do it, but not right now."
"Beating a gnome to death with a Blessed +127 Grayswandir doesn't exactly count as adventuring…"
"Of course it doesn't! Because real adventuring is difficult, and hard. I don't like that."
"We know that very well…" Alius sighed as he silently shook his head at his friend. "You generally are way more suicidal—I mean, gung-ho about doing something like this…."
Sjorn just smiled at him. Somehow, this annoyed Alius more than it should have. Why did he become friends with this idiot anyway? Maybe it was because Sjorn was actually pretty cool when he wanted to be.
Alius just decided to focus on walking home. The village was somewhat lively today. Then again, only around 70 people lived in it. Amazing that such a legendary hero like Siegfried came from here—where most of the people were more busy farming, as he could see from all the farmers tilling their fields, or making crafts than adventuring.
He really wanted to get out of here. He knew that Sjorn wanted to as well, but getting him to admit that was gonna take some work.
Thankfully, an oddly convenient girl came across them at the time.
She was short, not super short, but certainly only around 5 feet tall. She cloaked herself entirely in a small brown robe, making it impossible to discern her features (ooh, mysterious!).
"Hey, hey you bozos!"
Sjorn was never one to take to being called a bozo, though he was probably the textbook definition of one. "Who you callin' 'bozo', kid!" He yelled out to her.
"I'm not a kid!" Her retort was incredibly heated and angry—he must've hit a nerve. "And I've got a few questions to ask of you!"
Alius stepped in before the two tore each other to pieces. "What is it? There's not much here, so I can't see why you'd need to hit this town. You should probably try going to the capital."
"No, I need you guys! I got something very important for the two of you! Now get overhere!"
Alius whispered into Sjorn's ear; "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…let's see what she wants!"
"Of course, good friend! As long as I get something out of it!"
"You are….god dammit, never even mind…."
Alius and Sjorn walked over to the girl. She pulled out a map and point to Nestret on it. "See this! This is this useless hovel. And right next to here…" she pointed to a cave nearby. "…this is a cave where a legendary artifact sword is said to lie. It's called Liebesender, and I want to see if it exists. So, I'm going to ask you two to escort me through that cave!"
"We'll do it!" Sjorn replied without even thinking about the implications.
"What?" Alius grabbed Sjorn and shook him hard. "How can you just say that!"
"Because we might get some nice shit, I dunno."
"…You do realize that she just told us to go through a cave to get an artifact which may or may not exist, AND when there's an ungodly amount of level-99 monsters in that cave!"
"But we'll get tons of experience then! Ooh, I bet one of them will get me up to level 60 when I kill it!"
"….I hope you never have children."
Just then, Aluis and Sjorn were both smashed in their heads by that small girl. "HEY! I'M HERE TOO, YA KNOW!"
"Sorry…couldn't see you there."
"DID YOU JUST SAY I'M SHORT! OH NOW I'M GOINGTO KILL YOU!"
Later, the three had managed to find a table at the local bar. It was a loud and rowdy establishment, with a large amount of drunks constantly arguing and yelling, so it was like every other fantasy bar in fiction.
"I'm Marina." The girl talked first. "I can't reveal myself right now."
"Well, now weknow your name." Alius poured some water for her. "What happened to you? Why do you need Liebesender?"
"I'm being chased by a catgirl vampire who seriously believes that she's a magical girl and a samurai at the same time."
Sjorn and Alius just stared at her for a good 10 seconds in complete "Oh-god-what-is-this-crazy-ass-woman-talking-about"-ness.
"Are...are you insane or something!" Alius asked her in complete confusion of what she had just said. He could take a lot of things, but he drew the line at catgirl vampires.
"Not very." Marina bluntly replied, taking a swig of water as she said it. "I dunno why she's chasing me, but she wants me. I really don't know anything." She took another non-chalant swig. "Oh, and she's right behind us."
"WAIT WHAT!" Both of Alius and Sjorn replied, swinging around to see her.
A catgirl, plain as day. Sporting two cat ears, and a tail, like all good catgirls (Manx catgirls didn't exist, it seemed). She was somewhat tall, with raven-black hair and a very nice, feminine physique (you call that fanservice? Needs several paragraphs more of description!), and honestly the rest of her features didn't really matter, as this was a comedy story at heart.
That and she was holding up a plate over her face.
And chanting "I'm invisible, you can't see me." over and over again.
"I'm invisible, you can't see me."
"I'm invisible, you can't see me." "
...Alius looked over at Sjorn in disbelief. "This crazy chick believes that statement of a supposition is validation of it as a fact."
"She must be one of those new age philosophers!"
"You missed the point entirely..."
Marina took another non-chalant swig. "So...Fuchiri, when are you going to attack me?"
Fuchiri (because there always has to be the vaugely-Japanese character!)was so taken aback at this statement that she dropped her ridiculous act. "You mean...I can't become invisible by saying that I'm invisible!"
"No, you're not Takumi Nishijou, dammit!" Marina slammed her mug into the table hard enough to break it. "Damn, can't I get chased by COMPETENT people one day? Someone, anyone, who isn't a goddamn idiot! Cue the music!"
Marina stood up-at this point every single person in the bar had stopped what they were doing and was staring at her. With a way-too-fancy-for-its-own-good flourish, she jumped up into the air and threw her cloak off...revealing that she was a Magical Girl herself. But not just any Magical Girl; she was the most ridiculously girly Magical Girl to have ever had existed. She had it all; the unneccessary amounts of pink, the ridiculously poofy dress, the utterly preposterous hairstyle (with those wierd ball-like things oh yeah, they're called Odango), and the hearts. So many hearts.
Of course, revelation of all these facts took place with a transformation sequence that managed to be simultaneously disturbing AND kinda hot at the same time.
After everyone had embraced their inner lolicon for a little bit (whether they wanted to or not), Marina came fluttering down in that way only Magical Girls could.
"Did you see that!"
"Good god, she looks like a kid!"
"OH MAN THAT'S HOT!"
Alius nudged Sjorn in the side painfully with his fist. "We should probably leave before these two insane bitches do something..."
"...Yeah, that's probably for the best-"
"WAIT JUST A SECOND!"
Fuchiri had defiantly interrupted Marina's five seconds of fame. "You think that's impressive? You'll never match me, because I have..."
She held up her enormous breasts (no this is not author appeal, how could you ever think so).
Sjorn just looked at the two incredulously.
Marina was already on the offensive, of course. "Yeah, well, you can never be as amazing a Magical Girl as me~" She added an airy tone to that last word.
"Hah hah hah! You think so..." Fuchiri did the most fucking dramatic hair swish EVER that managed to out-Homura Homura herself..."...But I wish to be a dark Magical Girl!"
"Ugh...you bitch...so did I! No way your skank ass is getting that!"
"Hell no, you damn kid! No dark magical girl could ever have so little boobage as yourself, that's crazy!"
"You lookin' to pick a fight!"
"HELL YEAH I AM!"
Now, normally, this would lead off into a super-epic fight of glorious proportions, that would get added to TvTropes' Awesome Moments page soon after hitting the internet.
But the author was too lazy to write it out, so let's just skip to the end.
Now, the whole bar had been annihilated. All of its patrons were cleared. Tensions had been defused. And not much really been accomplished in the end.
Marina and Fuchiri were standing opposite one another, panting and extremely tired from the battle that had just occurred. Sjorn and Alius had simply been watching the whole time.
"Talk about a cat-fight...you crazy asses done already?"
"Dammit..." Marina barked at her catgirl rival. "Why couldn't you have been a Vampire Ninja or something...anything but a damn magical girl..."
Fuchiri smirked at her remark."Because Is This a Zombie already did that..." She retorted in return.
Sjorn didn't actually get the joke. "What do you mean? Of course this isn't a zombie!"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"
Fuchiri gave one last pant and started to explain herself. "Marina...I know this may come as a shock to you, but I actually came to ask you for assistance..."
"You shittin' me? I don't think I believe you for one second."
"Nah, it's true. Someone's been chasing me."
"What? So you've been chasing me because someone else's been chasing you?"
"Yeah...sorta like that..."
Alius sighed heavily.
"My god...it's like sensewentouttolunch."
*cue happy elevator music*
Sjorn: Hey hey hey! It's the end of the first chapter! I never thought this would happen!
Alius: Yes, it is. It is indeed the end! I wonder what's in store for us next!
Marina: Ooh, ooh, I know! Sharks, and dangerous wizards, and spell-binding adventures uniting the lands!
Alius: I don't think that's what's going to happen...
Marina: It must! It shall, GOD DAMMIT!
Fuchiri: UH...see you next time, on Sense Went Out to Lunch, chapter 2: What is His Real Name, Anyway!
Marina: HEY, BITCH! I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET THAT LINE!