SEX! and other things that start with Q

Ch9: The Filler Episode You've All Been Waiting For

It was Sunday, and the Dead family was extremely bored. Being so bored, they decided to harass little kids on an internet chat-room. Beyond pulled out her laptop and logged on under her usual account, then waited for Half to do the same. They entered the same chat-room and immediately jumped into their act:

H: "We are the Lovers Paradox"

B: "I can't be contained in this tiny box!"

H: "If you wish us to stop this rhyme"

B: "Please deposit a single dime."

H: "Lover, that is not enough."

B: "Snookum, we don't need more stuff."

Random Kid: "You guys are weird."

B: "You will pay for your insolence."

H: "Now leave this room for you have no sense."

R: "I'm telling my mommy!"

B: "Your mother plays card games in –"

H: "You can't say that, there are children."

Beyond and Half quit the chat-room and reconnected in the kitchen for lunch. "We are running low on bacon," Beyond said.

"Oh no! How ever will you make me a sandwich if there's no bacon for the BLT?"

"You can have an MLT. There's plenty of mutton left," Beyond proposed.

"That will suffice until I can go to the store and buy groceries. I think we need more cat food, too."

"I'll add it to the list, right under rat poison. For Sourire, of course. She's been having trouble with misplacing her medicine bottles. I thought this might cure the problem," Beyond explained.

"By killing the patient. I like the way you think."

"I would never use it on real rats. That could cause serious repercussions for our cats."

"Do you remember when we first got Ambrosia?" Half asked.

"Of course. It was about 5 years ago, mid-autumn, and unseasonably sunny. It was before you started working at home permanently, and I was lonely all day. I spent most of the time in the stable with the horses, waiting for you to get home."

"And I knew it would be a while before I could work at home full time, so I bought you a cat," Half continued, "I knew you liked tigers because of where you studied abroad in college, so I searched all the pet stores in the city until I found the perfect cat."

"But it took you so long to get home that I bit your head off when you finally got back." Beyond added, "At 9 o'clock."

"But you forgave me as soon as I placed the little fur ball in your hands. You also ignored me for the next month."

"Kittens are adorable. How could you expect me not to devote all my time to them?"

"I didn't. I still don't. But I know as soon as they become cats, you will devote your all to me again, as you should."

"Tis true," Beyond agreed, licking his cheek affectionately.

Half wiped his face with his sleeve and kissed Beyond on the cheek. "Your insanity grows with every hour, my love."

"Yet your impatience decreases. Rather backwards, aren't we?"

"Would we work if we weren't?" Half joked.

"What a question. Would we have even met if we weren't who we are?"

"Do you remember how we met?" Half asked.

"How could I forget? Even after all this time, I can recall it as if it were yesterday."


It was a particularly bland day in the blandest college of the blandest town in the blandest province. Professor Dead was in his 13th year of teaching, and he hadn't seen much beyond the bars of his profession. Today marked the beginning of classes for the Fall semester, but the small population of this college demanded little hustle-and-bustle from the muted students walking to class.

The first three periods crawled by with zero action and color, and the last period of the day was about to begin. Professor Dead began to shut the doors, but as the late bell rang, a body hurtled through the closing crevice and summersaulted to its feet.

"Whew!" the girl whistled, smoothing her baby-doll blouse, "What a rush!"

All eyes in the room locked onto her, but she ignored them, taking a seat in the front row and folding her hands before her. Professor Dead started right into his lecture as he had in all the classes. At the end of class, after the bell rang, the girl stayed behind to talk to Dead.

"You have an amazing last name," she gushed, perching casually on his desk and ignoring his vexed expression.

"Thank you, Miss…?"

"Compare. Beyond Compare. I have a feeling we're going to be best friends."

"What gave you that impression?" he asked, bewildered.

"Call it clairvoyance. You just wait, Professor Dead; we'll become friends very soon."