4.10.12

tonight

i need to cry.

and tonight

i'm so close to letting the tears drop.

and i think of her,

and they start to,

but i wipe them away,

and make another cut on my wrist,

because i don't cry.

and tonight,

i want to so badly,

so i transform the tears

into drops of blood,

staining the tissues i fold carefully beforehand.

tonight,

i sit in my bed,

and she's already asleep.

i don't deserve her,

which is just one more reason to hurt.

tonight,

i know i'm going to loose her.

sooner or later,

i will fuck up again,

and she will leave me,

or i will leave her

because i can't stand to hurt her.

tonight

she told me she loves herself.

but i can't be happy for her,

because loving oneself

is too foreign to me,

and i can't be happy

for something that,

in my world,

doesn't exist.

tonight

i listen to music,

watching youtube videos

made by people who say they understand.

made by people who say they care.

i wonder where these people are,

because i need them in my life.

tonight,

i think of all the people who know.

and then i think of every one of them who

has said that they know.

has said that they understand

that i can't stop.

tonight,

i think of every single person who has

remembered.

and tonight,

i think of one person.

one person who remembers,

who understands,

who cares.

one person

i never talk to

because they don't talk to me,

and i could never bring it up again.

tonight,

i want nothing,

save to be free.

free from this crushing pain.

but freedom

doesn't exist.

tonight,

i don't cry.