Hey. So I have this huge- and I mean HUGE- audition coming up, right? And one of the requirements is performing a monologue. The problem is, I can't pick which one to do! I have a few selections I'm considering. Can you help me choose? (a beat) Okay, great, thanks!

So here's my first option:

(From "The Princess Bride") "All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison in his own goblet, or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he'd know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!"

Eh… I don't know. Maybe. Here's the second:

(To Be or Not To Be from "Hamlet") "To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles…"

Okay, no. It's just not working. Moving on to number three:

(Gollum and Smeagol from "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers") "We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksey, false!

"No! Not master.

"Yes precious. First they will cheat you, hurt you, LIE.

"Master's my friend!

"You don't have any friends, nobody likes you!"

Hmmm…nah. Too creepy. Too schizophrenic.

(Sigh with frustration.) Ugh! Why can't I just pick something already? But nothing feels right, and this has to be perfect. (Fall against wall, frustrated and exhausted.) Maybe I can just write them up some crazy monologue about why I don't have a monologue. (Lightbulb!) Wait- yeah! A monologue about choosing a monologue! That's genius! Jeez, thanks guys! I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got some work to do. (Exit stage, smiling.)

Optional Ending: Oh no! I've forgotten something! (Panicked expression) What am I going to wear?