Not Sure How to Title This
She could be moderately intelligent but that has yet to be scene. She definitely thinks she's got something special going on. She's trying desperately to improve herself beyond what she's been in the past and find a new start for herself somewhere - maybe a new personality too.
I've become a different person since I realized that being of above average intelligence doesn't mean you're a genius. It seems like a lot of people make that mistake - thinking that because they can outsmart a few it means they must be smarter than the many. When I was younger and arguably dumber I made that same mistake. I spent too much time with my similarly minded "friends" mocking others for not having the same aloof interests as myself, snickering at people with musical interests that were too cool or not cool enough and making jokes that I thought others were too stupid to get. But they didn't laugh because they didn't get it, they didn't laugh because there's nothing funny about someone who's so pathetically sad with herself that she has to mock others for just not being her. Everyone is stupid in high school and I thought I was so much better than everyone else because I surrounded myself with people that just fed my ego and thought they were special too. And when school was over and I got a job and my life and my mind slowly unraveled because I realized that the whole time I'd been living a lie and being spoon fed IQ points in the form of Palahniuk quotes those "friends" had already moved. So, so did I. I met someone from outside that incestuous group of pretentious fucks and he didn't judge my intelligence off my favorite movie or if I had heard of some shitty indie band. I realized slowly that by assuming that I was smarter than anyone else immediately made me an idiot. I found a better peace with myself and laughed to myself when I saw via the miraculous internet that those kids from high school were still stuck in their ways. There's nothing philosophical about cryptic Facebook posts - I think it's about time to grow up.
The loneliness is always there, gnawing at the edges of my happy moments. I don't know what to do with is or how to make it stop. I miss the times when I was surrounded by people, drinking, smoking, laughing...yet even in those times I was still always searching for someone to share the lonely spaces with. We'd catch each other's gaze from across the room - I could never be too far from you - and I'd take your hand and we'd find some quite place. Far away from drinking games and raucous stories and jokes we'd find silence. With my head in your lap we'd stare at the stars and quietly shun everyone else. You were the beauty in a world that was so dark with self inflicted pain and backstabbing teen girls. You were the only person that never expected me to be like all of them - always putting on airs and pretending that I liked all the same things and wanted to be like them. You didn't want to listen to me postulate about the usual douchbaggery that made up my conversations with them - you just wanted me for who I was trying so desperately not to be. I was losing myself in all that mess and you just quietly stood by the door and watched me. I still don't know if you never said anything because you were worried I was strong enough to leave or because you saw something in me that you thought might eventually shine through. I guess my personality and my heart were still buried somewhere in there - under layers of tacky dress and attention seeking. Did you see it from the beginning? From the first time our eyes met? Probably not because you're gone now and I'm just sitting here wishing these four walls would collapse so the loneliness would stop