Inside room 69 of Fanny building there lived a lonely man named Mister Keister. He was a bald, fat man with droopy eyes, and he liked looking behind this long, white tube that's pointing directly at the skies during nighttime. He was branded as the "Lonely Hind-End" by his friends, namely Cassandra T. Bum, Engr. Rear, and Florence Hinney.
Aside from his caboose friends, a lot of people would ask him why he won't "spank tooshies" from time to time, and judging by the money he makes from his career, deserved it, but the idea never appealed to him.
"It's cliched," He would tell them, "It was as if somebody's bachelorness is supposed to be accompanied by my visiting the nearby pub. No sir."
The precocious Florence Hinney was curious about Mister Keister's daily affairs so the young man visited him one summer afternoon.
"Ah, Florence, how are you?" Mister Keister exclaimed, faking his surprise. He already saw Florence Hinney as he was entering the building, but decided to act all shocked because that's the proper way to do things: People like ignorance.
"Em fine, Mister Keister," Florence Hinney said, not meaning every word of it. "I'm curious about your work, is all."
"Oh, but you wouldn't see me work until later, when it's already dark." Mister Keister responded promptly.
Florence Hinney said Oh, and Okay, because he couldn't think of anything to say. Mister Keister felt uncomfortable about the silence and asked Florence Hinney what does he want, tea or milk, and Florence Hinney said thanks, and said he would prefer tea, if he don't mind. Mister Keister nodded and proceeded to make tea, glad to get out of that awkward conversation.
The precocious Florence Hinney went beside the tea making Mister Keister, much to Mister Keister's disappointment. Florence Hinney asked if he could ask a question, and Mister Keister responded that he is already asking anyway, but Florence Hinney thought he heard yes.
"What do you do when you have coitus?"
Mister Keister laughed at the absurdity of the question and patted Florence Hinney on his shoulder. "Someday you will know, Florence." He said.
Florence Hinney asked when will that be, and Mister Keister replied with a shrug, five, ten years, when he met the person for him.
Florence Hinney furrowed his brows curtly. He asked Mister Keister how he would be able to do that with the person for him if he's not knowledgeable with the process. Mister Keister shrugged and told him it will just come naturally. Florence Hinney shrugged back and told Mister Keister that he still don't get it.
Mister Keister placed the tea on the tv table and motioned Florence Hinney to drink ahead of him. He went to his room and grabbed his "Super Duper Secret Box" under his single bed.
Inside his Super Duper Secret Box was his Legit Fancy Smooth Papers filled with taillights of busty young women. It was years when he last opened his Super Duper Secret Box and Mister Keister felt nostalgic.
Mister Keister went back to his sala and gave Florence Hinney his Legit Fancy Smooth Papers from his Super Duper Secret Box and smiled. Florence Hinney looked back at him guiltily like a posterior and back at the legit fancy smooth papers. Mister Keister waved him off and told him to go ahead while he played his favorite song by the Beach Boys called Wouldn't It Be Nice.
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In a kind of world where we belong . . .
Florence Hinney felt an uncomfortable pleasure as he gazed at each derriere poking at each page, like merde. Florence Hinney grabbed his cup of tea and drank every last drop of the liquid without taking off his eyes from the legit fancy smooth papers.
Mister Keister looked at Florence Hinney and formulated an idea. He asked Florence Hinney if he would like to have a small "milk and cookie" party in Mister Keister's house with Cassandra T. Bum and Engr. Rear and Florence Hinney said yes, he would love to. Mister Keister punched numbers on the yellow telephone and invited Cassandra T. Bum and Engr. Rear to come over.
"They are coming here at 6 o'clock." Mister Keister proudly declared as Florence Hinney fished the pages of Mister Keister's Legit Fancy Smooth Papers, and Florence Hinney nodded uninterestingly.
At 6:15, Cassandra T. Bum and Engr. Rear entered room 69. Mister Keister was quite disappointed with the pair because he specifically declared 6 o'clock, and there is no excuse because it's a sunday, a resting day.
Cassandra T. Bum and Engr. Rear told Mister Keister they were sorry and greeted Florence Hinney. Florence Hinney showed the pair Mister Keister's Legit Fancy Smooth Papers that made Cassandra T. Bum turn in all shades of pink and Engr. Rear laugh his tush off.
Cassandra T. Bum looked at Mister Keister and grinned foolishly. She was once a model of these Legit Fancy Smooth Papers ages ago. Engr. Rear asked where the milk and cookies were.
Mister Keister shrugged and told them he ran out of milk and cookies, so he made sandwiches instead. He poured everybody carbonated water from a plastic bottle and they toasted.
"To loneliness and not feeling sad about it," exclaimed Mister Keister.
"You mean aloneness," Cassandra T. Bum blurted, "Loneliness is sadness itself."
"Whatever," Mister Keister shrugged.
"To Legit Fancy Smooth Papers," exclaimed Florence Hinney.
"To models of Legit Fancy Smooth Papers," exclaimed Cassandra T. Bum.
"To booties," exclaimed Engr Rear with a big smile.