my mind is heavy;
my thoughts are dull.
my frown is permanently affixed on my face.
i'm sitting here, trying not to disintegrate.
i'm afraid if i breath too hard i will,
thoughts running away as screams,
secrets spilling out
in a complete breakdown.
i've never been closer,
never felt the pain in such a way.
these past several days, weeks, i've been dying,
even as she saves me.
i can't do this much longer.
i need to collapse so badly,
and i fear the next time i'm home alone,
even for an hour,
i'll do it.
and i'm terrified, and so, so calm.
for the first time in months,
the words take their time,
letting me write them down neatly.
there is no more mad rush,
no more emergency,
no more disaster.
there is just me, hurting,
and the razor, my closest friend.
for once, i am ok,
knowing i will be laughed at.
i don't think i need validation anymore.
i don't need to know my pain is real.
it doesn't matter anymore,
and ironically enough,
nothing makes me ok with living more.