Piracy in Their Veins

Synopsis: Jane Marie Kinney feels terribly bored with her life, even after advent of her brother, James' birth. She snoops around the attic and comes upon something that fascinates her. It's an old map, preserved well despite the dust and age—with an 'X' marking the location of possible treasure.

~*~ CAST ~*~

Lola Kinney: (mom)

Scott Kinney: (dad)

Jane Marie Kinney: (daughter)

James Kinney: (newborn brother)

Grandmother Barbara Kinney:

Grandfather Kenneth (Kenny) Kinney:

Lou Neville: (cousin)

Kate Neville: (cousin)

Fran Neville: (first daughter)

Valarie Neville: (second daughter)

Alonzy the cat: (aka 'Al')

Daphney Bohner: (babysitter)

News personality:

Other various media people:

Scene 1—Cabin Fever

Jane: (watching Pirates of the Carribean, Dead Man's Chest) Hey, James, wouldn't it be incredible if we had that kind of history in our background ? (chuckles) Oh, why am I talking to you, James. It's not like you can understand me. And even if you could you can't form proper sentences yet.

James: (seemingly oblivious to everything, giggling, cooing and happy about life in general)

Jane: Remember what Granny used to say ? She would tell us stories that we are distant relatives of Anne Bonny, probably the most famous female pirate in the known world.

(James goes toddling about)

Jane: Hey, wait a minute ! Don't go waltzing into the basement alone, you need adult supervision !

James: (giggling, cooing and gurgling at all the boxes, until he runs into one, falls down and doesn't seem affected much by it)

Jane: You ok ? (picking him up and bouncing him playfully) You seem unharmed. Boy, you're a strong booger. (nuzzles her nose with hers) Aren't you ? (pausing) What's all this stuff ? Must belong to grandma and grandpa. (coughing) It's so dusty down here. I bet these boxes have been here for millenia !

James: (coughing a bit himself)

Jane: (places James down on the ground, where he finds a baseball to roll around much to his amusement) What's in these boxes, I wonder.

(opens one up, while dust flies everywhere, she coughs once more)

Impossible...It's a treasure map. Could it be ? (looks at it) Nah.

There's no way this could be a genuine article. It's preseved perfectly. James, we have to get gran and gramps here. Maybe they'd know more about this.

(Running upstairs, forgetting James, coming back and snatching him as she carries the map)

Scott: Woah ! What's all the ruckus, honey ?

Lola: (takes baby James and sits him down in his high chair) What's that in your hand ?

Jane: The very thing that might change our status as Americans !

Lola: Oh ? That sounds really big, Jane.

Jane: It is, mom. At least, I am hoping that my gut feeling is right.

Scott: Looks like a pirate map. Didn't even know we had one.

Lola: And it's so old.

Jane: I know ! It should've have lasted for so many years, but it was kept in one of those musty boxes in the basement. Perfect for keeping it away from the elements. Goodness knows what's been preserving it these many years.

Lola: Let's call granny Barb and granpa Ken. They'll know all about this and they can confirm it.

Scott: Great idea, Lola my diamond.

(Scott picks up the phone and dials Ken and Barb, hoping that they will be home and not outside lolling about in their hammocks as usual during this splendid summer day.)

Ken: (answering the phone, panting a bit) Scott, do you realize how hard it is to answer the phone getting out of the pool ?

Scott: (embarassed) Sorry, dad.

Barb: (inquisitively) What's our son calling about ?

Ken: I don't know yet, Barb. Give the boy a chance to explain.

Scott: Well, your granddaughter seems to think she's found a treasure map.

Ken: Don't move. Don't do anything. We'll be there in two shakes.

Well, as soon as we get properly dressed. Ciao !

Scott: See you later dad.

(split screen drops after Scott hangs up the phone)

Lola: I take it your mom and dad just couldn't stay away from this impending adventure. (she chortles lightly)

Scott: We don't know if this is the real, genuine article or not. Even if it isn't, it'll be fun to see how much we can make off it in a garage sale.

Jane: (coveting the map, but cautiously) Oh, no you don't ! I'd like to think that this is just the beginning of what is going to be one rad summer ! A summer that will make history !

(Opening credits after Jane holds the map to the sky triumphantly. The title appears in emblazoned against a furling and unfurling Jolly Roger. The theme from 'Pirates of the Carribean' plays and soon, the scene is cut.)

Scene 2—Discovery Is Only Half the Fun

(Barb and Ken walk in to greet the family, smothering Jane and James in affection.)

Jane: Woah, Grandma. Enough of the kisses already ! This (unrolls map on the table in front of her) is what I wanted you to take a look at.

Ken: (bouncing James on his knee) You've gotten so much handsomer since the last time I saw you...Woo...But not less stinky.

Great Scot, boy. What do you feed our grandson ?

Scott: The usual. He's eating solid foods now, growing like a weed, as you can tell.

Ken: I'll go take care of him. Won't I, little stinker ? (nuzzles James ' nose with his as he takes him into the adjoining room for changing)

(We hear a gasp and coughing come from tne next room) Good...Gravy...That's pungent.

Barb: So, what do we have here then ? (pulls out reading glasses)

(handling the map gently) It feels authentic enough and (leaning forward to smell it) even smells like the real thing. If I'm not mistaken, there are some rum stains on it.

Jane: (Squeals a little) It's going to be like Treasure Island, or ooo, Pirates of the Caribbean ! We're going on a treasure hunt !

Lola: Not so fast, my darling. Wait. We don't know anything about the map yet. Granny thinks it is real, but we need to verify it.

Scott: That's right honey. We'll get a historian over here. Your cousin Lou might know a thing or two about this artifact.

Ken: (prancing out with a clean James) I think I deserve a metal for my duties. Our grandson is now shipshape if I do so say myself.

(hands him back to Scott, who continues to entertain him by placing him in a bouncer for a while)

Scott: You do yourself proud, old man.

Ken: Old man ? You'd better watch yourself, son ! (laughing)

So, what now ? Do we know if this thing is actual or not ?

Barb: I think it is, Ken. We just need to call Lou and verify.

Ken: You mean Lou the Looney ? The history geek ?

Barb: He's not a looney. History geek yes, but a successful one.

Ken: (muttering) His whole family's dafter than twitterpated robins.

Barb: What was that, Kenneth ?

Ken: (innocently) Nothing. I concur. We should call Lou ASAP.

Barb: (looking at Jane a bit sadly) I'm sorry, love, but we'll have to go treasure hunting some other day.

Jane: (pouting) Aw, Granny. But why ?

Barb: (pats her head and hugs her close) We need to talk to cousin Lou about it.

Jane: Cousin Lou ? Oh, he's cool. I love him. He and cousin Kate, Fran and Valarie are so amazingly awesome.

Barb: Maybe we can have a bit of a Neville-Kinney reunion in the future ?

Scott: (mouthing in horror) No !

Lois: (mouthing back) What's wrong with that ?

Ken: We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

Barb: You mean, cross it. We won't burn bridges, silly.

Ken: (chortles) Oh, yeah. Right.

Barb: (sighing happily but with some sorrow) I hate to cut this short, but Ken and I had better go. We've got company coming tomorrow, but when we have time, we'll call Lou. So, don't lose heart, alright my little bucaneer ?

Jane: Aye, aye, Captain ! (salutes proudly)

(They leave the house)

Jane: (sighs) Now all I have to play with are James and Allonzy.

James is entertaining but Allonzy...well...He's just...(raspberries)

a cat with an agenda all his own. (flops down into a chair dramatically) I don't know if I can take waiting very well.

Lois: Don't be blue, honey. What say, you, daddy, James and I all went out to the park for a picnic ? We can play as long as you like and the pool's open.

Jane: Now you're talkin' !

('Meditation from Thais' plays in the background against a sort of progression of images as they enjoy their lunch and savor the beauty of nature. Scene fade.)

Scene 3—Reunion of Lou and Crew

(After meeting with Lou and family at a local pancake house, the whole clan return to Scott and Lola's house.)

Jane: (nearly bounding off the walls) Cousin Lou, cousin Kate, and cousin Val and Fran are here !

Scott: (not enthusiastic) Oh...joy.

Lois: Scott, please. Show some support. This could be huge.

Scott: (a bit crossly) And if it isn't ?

Lois: (scoffs) Where's your spirit, your bucaneer soul ?

Scott: (a little more gusto) Arrrrrrr !

Lois: Now that's more like it ! (kisses his cheek gently) You should do that more often. (sultry look) It's pretty sexy.

Jane: Ew, mom. Gross !

(The two parents laugh)

Lou: What we have here, my fortunate friends is an actual, factual treasure map !

Kate: Lou and I were consulting our vast archives of Elizabethan history and came across a legend concerning Anne Bonny.

Jane: The notorious pirate we're supposedly related to.

Val: Correct as usual.

Kate: We're about to look together for the chest, of course, if we have your permission.

Lois: Scott, this is the chance of a lifetime. I've always wanted to do a bit of treasuring.

Scott: 'Treasuring' ?

Lois: (being funny) I coined a new term !

Scott: Good pun, dove.

Lois: (tipping imaginary hat) Why thanks, darling.

Fran: Anyway, we were all talking about the map after we did heavy amounts of research and verifying. So, what do you think ?

Up for a bit of a trek ? All we do is follow the map.

Val: And even if it is something entirely lame, the journey itself will be worth it !

Jane: Come on, mom...please ?

Lois: It's all well and good, but who'll look after James while we're gone ?

Scott: We've got Daphney Bohner. Give me a minute, and I'll set everything up. (finds his cell phone in the adjoining room and calls Daphney)

Kate: So, this is it. One grand soujourn the whole lot of us !

Jane: Finally, the scent of adventure beckons us ! Onward !

(No sooner does Daphney appear at the door that James is put into her care.)

Daphney: I've got everything under control, guys. Don't worry, his schedule is right up here. (points to her head) I've got it covered.

(Taking up their cue to an instrumental version of 'The Final Countdown', as they walk off and begin their epic quest. A montage of them searching and following the path takes place, their path is traced out in red-dots on the screen similar to many other adventure-themed films.)

Scott: Here we are at last. X marks the spot.

Lois: Everyone ready ?

Jane: (eagerly) Am I ?

Altogether: Dig !

(As they dig a dubstep version of 'A Pirates Life For Me' plays until they hit something.)

Val: I hit something, and it's solid !

Fran: Pull it out, sis ! Come on, the tension is killing me !

(They all pull together as a family and Scott breaks off the lock. When they open it, the chest is full of coins, pearls and gems.)

All of them at different times: Oh, my God ! I can't believe this !

Actual, factual treasure ! The real McCoy. We've struck BOOTY, folks !

Lou: I have no idea what this is worth. We'll have to have it appraised. I know just the man who will help us. Sooner we figure it out the sooner we can divy it up into our child's college funds.

Lois: Whatever is leftover, Lou, we can all use for fun. How about that ?

(The girls look at each other and nod emphatically)

Scott: I take that to mean a hearty affirmative.

Lou: Then let's make it so, shall we ?

(Scene fade)

Scene 4—Appraisal and Celebration

("I Wanna Be Rich" plays in the background after Lou has figured out from his friend how much the treasure is and that Bonny is truly related to them.)

Lou: You do realize that this is going to be sensationalized on the news. It's not every day that people get to meet descendents of famous pirates.

Kate: They'll assume that we're some lot of bloodthirsty good for nothings, though. (sighs) I don't think all pirates were bad. Rebellious, maybe. Perhaps even iconoclasts. Never 'bad'.

Val: Misunderstood.

Kate: I like my sweet Val's word better.

(they all laugh)

(They have meetings with famous people on television about their connections with Anne Bonny and about the money they have come to own. The chest, however, will be put in their local museum for posterity. Most of the earnings are in the childrens' college funds, the rest is for a celebration and the last parts go to children's charities.)

(Fade in to an interview on the local news.)

News personality: It was really far too kind for you to do all that philanthropic work with that kind of cash. I mean, you could've used it for trips, for yachts.

Lois: That's trivial. Who needs it more than people who don't have enough to even make ends meet. That's why we gave some of the booty to charity.

Jane: (nodding) Mmm-hmm. I can't even think about what life is like for someone with leukemia. With the money I gave, I can give kids with diseases a fighting chance. Maybe I can make them healthy like James here !

James: (cooing)

News team: (adoringly) Awwwwwwwwwwww.

News personality: What are you going to do with the leftover booty ?

Val: We all talked about it, and Cousin Scott had the best idea of all.

Altogether: We're going to Six Flags, baby !

(Quick shift of scene to Six Flags. 'Up For the Floor Show' plays in the background as the family screams their heads off on Chang amongst many other rides. They check out the water park as well and return feeling pretty tuckered out. The kids load into the van and fall asleep. Sweet, sentimental music, "Where I Belong" plays as the family returns home. Scene fade.)

Scene 5—Back to Basics

Jane: (narrating) Suffice it to say, the interviews eventually stopped. Many people forgot that we were even related to Anne Bonny. We are probably one of the few families that have pirate related parties and can claim heritage to their crews. It's a loyal, honorable heritage, I've found. James, my little brother, is now 2, and he thinks that he's Jack Sparrow. I wonder if he believes he has the charisma, charm and Don Juan magnitism. I'll never know what goes through his head. We see the Neville crew from time to time and we have a blast, whether it's King's Island, Six Flags or even Disneyworld. As for the remainder of our money, it's in funds for our futures. That's why I and my cousins are still continuing our education. I'm thinking about becoming a history teacher. I love history and I think I'd be great at teaching little kids its importance and how to avoid repeating bad mistakes made in the past. James, I swear, is going to become an actor, or maybe a model. Whichever, he's got moves like Jagger to prove it.

(She rushes past her mom to get her lunch, kisses her and her dad goodbye, as well as James. Then she says goodbye to Alonzy.)

Lois: Daphney will be taking care of James while we're out. She'll leave the door unlocked for you when you return.

Jane: (narrating) My family and I live a comfortable life. I enjoy living day by day and watching my little brother grow. I even like my silly lazy cat, Allonzy. He's good company for James, if nothing else. I've learned something from our adventure across our own backyard.

Treasure is transitory, but togetherness lasts forever. I have forged an even tighter friendship with my cousins and dad thinks Lou isn't 'looney' any longer. In fact, dad and Lou get along really well.

All it took was one map and a treasure hunt to prove it !

(As this is going on 'My Best Friend' plays in the background and then 'We Are Family' plays as the credits role after the family has said its goodbyes and kissed each other, ending with James being bounced in the arms of Daphney happily. A blooper reel will be featured, just because, heck, it's amusing and it's FUN !)