Summary: I didn't realize how much I truly cared about that boy who was my best friend until I had to watch him with her all the time. The two of them made me see what I wished I had seen long ago. It was slowly killing me inside and I knew I couldn't take much more before I would crack. That cracking happened sooner than I thought.
Rating: T for slight language and just because I felt like it basically.
I watch the two of them walk down the hallway hand in hand. My heart clenches at the sight as I force myself to turn away. The same thing happens every day, multiple times a day and you'd think that I would be used to it by now. Deep down I want to be happy for him, he's my best friend after all, but I can't help but feel that unmistakable pain every time I see them together.
After exchanging the books in my arms for the ones I need from my locker I turn to head down the hallway and feel my breath catch at the sight. The two of them are standing there making out. She has him pushed against the locker and is practically mauling his face. My heart beat speeds up as I quickly run past them and to the bathroom.
I sit in the little stall holding my head in my hands as I let the tears stream down my face. I sat there for the whole period, not giving a damn that I was missing Russian or that I could get in a lot of trouble for it. I just couldn't stand watching the two of them any longer. I had finally hit the point where I couldn't watch them anymore.
Having been nearly three hours since I sat in the bathroom stall and bawled my eyes out, I was now at home and lying on my bed in nearly the same position I had been in all afternoon. My pillow was wet from the tears that had long ago dried on my face and my lip hurt from biting it so hard, but I couldn't be bothered to do anything about it.
The vibration of my phone on my night stand was the only thing that made me sit up. It was probably my mom texting me about dinner or something else that I didn't care about right now.
After sliding the little bar over and typing in my pass code, I felt my phone vibrate once again.
The increasing rate of my heart beat was instant as I slowly clicked on his name.
Hey….are you busy?
No? What's up? After I typed my reply I held my breath and waited. It seemed like forever before his reply came.
Nothing much… we just haven't talked in a while.
I scoffed and typed back. And why do you think that is my dear Benjamin? Sighing, I realized how bitchy that would sound so erased it and just replied with Yeah…
I threw my phone down on the end of my bed and then let my body follow it as I propped my feet up on my pillows. His reply was faster this time.
How are things going with that guy from Altoona?
Rolling my eyes I sent back. He's a dick. And I told him to screw off.
Good. I'm glad… His reply was instant.
You're glad? How is that even fair? You can have girlfriend and all that but I can't even talk to a guy I might like? SERIOUSLY?
I couldn't believe he seriously said that. He knew I liked him but had given up and now he was going to be all possessive even though he was the one who had the bitchy girlfriend.
Don't act like that. You know how much I care for you and if I wasn't dating Ally…
I couldn't even reply to that with actual words because I was so pissed off at him.
YOU! Why do I even waste my time talking to you anymore? You say you like me and care and all that shit but it's all bull! You only care when you need me or to make HER jealous. You say if I wasn't dating Ally this or that, but you're the only one who can change that and you won't so I don't want to hear it anymore!
I could feel the tears welling back up in my eyes as I sent my reply, but I tried not to let them fall. I had shed too many tears over this boy who was supposed to be the one to beat up the boys who made me cry.
The vibration of my phone startled me. I tried to focus on the screen, but my vision was too blurry from the tears that I was holding back. Breathing deeply and ignoring the hurt in my chest I wiped my eyes and clicked on the message.
Well if it wasn't for Ally I would be with you…in a heartbeat. We both know it. I tried as hard as I could at the time, but you didn't seem to want any part of it so I moved on you can't be mad at me for that… I know you don't want to hear it, but you matter to me SO much. A lot more than you should. I care about you as if we were actually together minus really being together, but I do care more than you could possibly know.
It still doesn't change anything. It is what it is and you are with who you are with and that is not me so none of this matters!
My heart was silently breaking as I replied to him and I could feel myself losing it. That boy knows me better than anyone else in this world and he knows that everything he is saying to me is making me crack a little bit more.
It matters to me! YOU matter to me. I don't want Ally to come between us. I want us to be able to talk and be open like this with each other no matter what. I don't want us to fade away…
It's already fading Ben…
I couldn't stop the tears then as they finally broke free of the dam that was my eyes and poured down my cheeks. Didn't he understand how much this was killing me?
But I don't want it to fade…only we can change that…
I let out a scream then and was glad that none of my family was home because they would have found a ranting, bawling mess of the typically strong me.
. . .
Do you want it all to fade? Or do you want to change it?
Do I want to let it fade? A lot of the time yes. My life would be a heck of a lot easier. Do I want to change it? Sometimes. But honestly how much more can I do?
When do you wanna give up? I've never given up…
I wanted to scream at him and cry while I did it. That boy had to be the most infuriating person I have ever met in my life.
You have a girlfriend. You have been dating for months. I'm not going to screw up your happiness for you and…I just can't do this anymore!
Can't do what?
Taking a deep breath, I began to type my reply hurriedly before I lost my nerve.
I can't be your friend, at least right now. I'm sorry. I can't sit here and listen to you tell me how much you care about me and all that, but then see you all over her the next day. I can't keep putting myself through all that pain every time you need reassured that I still like you. I am done hurting myself like this. So when, and if, you break up…come find me. We can see about talking then. But until then…just fuck off. I'm tired of being your back up plan and hurting.
The pain that filled me then was indescribable. It was like nothing that I had ever felt before. My heart was in pieces and it was all because I was stupid and fell in love…
Cameron don't do this!
I knew that his voice would have had a frantic note to it if we had been talking so I was glad we weren't.
I don't want it to be this way! I can't lose you like this. You're my best friend…
It needs to be this way…so I'm done.
Ben kept texting me after that trying to get me to talk to him, yet I didn't answer any of the messages and didn't even check very many of them. I meant it when I told him I was done and I hoped he saw that. I just couldn't let him break me any more than he already had. He was the first boy who had seen me cry, the first boy who I had actually confided in, and the first to make me cry.
Stripping out of my clothes I took a shower so hot that it turned my skin red and raw. After that I just crawled into my bed, not bothering to dry off or put on clothes. More tears trickled down my face as I finally let all the heartache escape me. And then finally, finally, I fell asleep.
The next day at school was hell. Walking down the hallway I was glad that hewas in none of my classes. His girlfriend on the other hand was in every fucking one. Constant death glares were something I was used to though so all I did was smile in return and ignore her.
I was standing at my locker waiting for the bell to ring signaling that second period had ended when I heard someone shout down the hall.
I looked up and smirked when I saw Ally walking towards me. The two of us had gotten along relatively well before she began to date Ben and her had gotten together and now we were like major enemies.
"Can I help you?" My voice was soft and smooth when I answered her, betraying now of my thoughts or feelings.
"You are killing Ben!" She hissed when she got close enough. "He's depressed and it's because you ditched him. Get off your high horse and realize that all the that he wants from you is friendship and go back to being his friend! I will not see my boyfriend all depressed because of you!"
I laughed, "I don't care what you want me to do. I am sick of doing everything I do because of him and you. I'm helping myself this time."
The bell rang then giving me an excuse to slam my locker and walk away leaving a stunned Ally behind me as I left with a smile on my face.
I may have lost my best friend for now…but someday I knew he would come back to me. And for now, that was enough to get me by and didn't cause me near as much pain as I thought it would.
Sorry for any mistakes, the suckiness of my writing, or anything else you just plain hate about this story!