Isn't it funny when you get a chance to sit down and look at your past and remember. I'm really bad at looking at my past. When it comes to your own history you have to be careful with how you deal with it; I have a tendency of late to run as far away as I can from it, thinking constantly that I need to move on. I need to keep running. However, the past does not comply with that, and the more you run away from it, the quicker it will catch up and pounce on you and devour you.
I've just had to move back to my old laptop because, being the clutz I am, have broken my other one. This laptop is stock full of old memories, it's practically an item of the past I try to run away from. It's always been lurking at the end of my bedroom, as backup in case I've needed it again. It's choc full of old memories and conversations that I'd rather not look back on. I'm sitting here, even now, contemplating what to do with these memories. I've been meaning to just delete them for a long time but as I said, there's that stupid little voice going no, don't let go. keep them, you might need them.
And it's the sort of feeling that makes my heart wrench and wonder why I was put on this godforsaken earth.
But the point was while skimming through old files, just to see what was still hanging around, I came across conversations and images that also remind me of better moments. One particular memory is with an old friend of mine who I had a lot of trouble with relating to anxiety and such and I don't talk to much anymore. But she really, really got me through some hard spots, and the evidence is all here. She really dragged me out there sometimes, and it's sad to think I've taken that for granted now.
I've always had a belief that you show just how strong you are in your weakest moments. I mean, when things are going well you're chilling on the cruiseboat of life, floating gently on the soft currents of fate, or some sort of analogy like that. You can be however you want.
But when things start getting real tough, real real tough. When the waves start throwing the boat around, when you can get thrown off and you have to swim for dear life, when you have to put all your strength into just keeping afloat, all hands on deck, all adrenaline flowing, those are the moments that show humanity at its greatest.
What also occurs is that while in life people can go through month, year, decade of crappy crappiness of life, there are moments of goodness. Trust me, there are always moments of goodness in there. They're usually short and can be fleeting, even if it's just a simple conversation where you're laughing so hard you can barely breath, or there's a rainbow in the sky, or your favourite song comes on and you dance about the house to it, but there's something so magical about those moments, like a light in the dark, a lighthouse on the rocky cliffs while you're getting thrown about, telling you that it's okay, we're still out there. A reminder that there is still hope, and no matter how small the light is, it comes from something solid. That is Hope. Hope can be small, fragile, but you hold onto it and it becomes an unbreakable cord, a liferaft, and hold you to safety.
Life was never meant to be easy, but I think without knowing the dark we wouldn't know the light. And that's what makes life beautiful.