June 1st, 2009
We promised to do it together, my boyfriend and me. Like all the other couples, we planned to go to prom, dance a little, have some spiked punch, and maybe take a photo or two. Then, after months of talking about it, we'd finally do it.
We told no one. Any attempts at trying to convince us to not do anything would be wasted, and we'd rather not run into such speed bumps. It was going to happen. We'd known this for months.
You see, my boyfriend, David, had been diagnosed with lung cancer thirteen months ago. Years of breathing in second hand smoke from the mouths of his parents had given him a consequence that wasn't meant for him. He was in stage four, and there wasn't a thing anyone could do. He was projected to have at most three to four more months to live, but they'd be painfully fast for him. At the time, we could only think of one way to lighten the burden of being on a time limit. And that was to end it ourselves.
I was fifteen that year, and he was seventeen. We'd been best friends since he'd learned another language for me when I was four. And now, after a more than a decade of friendship, and two years of the truest love this town had ever seen, he was being taken away from me.
Well, not quite. I was going with him. We'd planned it for a while, and I wasn't afraid to die. I was more scared of coping with his death.
After prom, when all the guests had gone home, David and I planned to walk to the school's soccer field, where we'd share one last kiss, say our I Love Yous, and die in each other's arms.
It sounds a bit morbid, I admit, but it was the only idea that we could agree upon. I didn't have the strength to kill myself, so David volunteered to fire the gun while my eyes were closed. His suicide maybe would come easier because whether he did it or not, he was going to die anyway.
I loved him enough to die with him. He loved me enough to let me. That was the idea, and after prom, it'd go into effect.
"Are you scared?" he whispered into my ear. It was the last dance of the night. The song was slow as I looked up at him. David's brown hair by now had reached his eyes since he'd stopped responding to treatment. I had no idea how he was feeling, but I couldn't imagine it being that great. Even when he smiled, it was hard not to notice the purple circles under his eyes, or how pale he'd grown since my freshman year.
"A little, but what's life without a little fear?"
His smile was sad. David, who I had never seen really cry since I was five or six before he was diagnosed, didn't like me to see him sad. I don't know why, though, it wasn't like I thought he was supposed to be super happy.
"Have something to drink before we go. I'll go get it." He returned with a cup of red punch. I knew that somewhere in there was some kind of liquor because the football team were a bunch of budding alcoholics. It would be my first and last drink. "Ready?"
I nodded. "Ready." David took my hand in his, and we slipped out of the almost empty gym. "Do you believe in God, David?"
He shrugged. "I believe in something. I'm not sure what to call it. How about you, Sofia? What do you believe?"
"I have no idea anymore." In the late night darkness, I could see David's brown eyes twinkle with a hint of tears in the light of the moonlight. He looked away, squeezing my hand reassuringly. I wasn't reassured.
David said, "I met you when I was six. You were moving in with your parents across the street, and I was playing with my little brother when the truck had parked. Do you know what the first thing I said to Eric when I saw you?" I shook my head, sitting down on the grassy field with him. "I said, 'Eric, I'm going to marry her.'" I felt tears budding, but I tried my best to hold them back for his sake. "You'll never be able to guess how disappointed I was that you didn't speak English. I begged my parents to put me in classes so I could learn Spanish."
"Now you speak it better than I do," I whispered, trying to sound playful. The stress was weighing on me, and I began to feel dizzy and tired.
He ran a hand through his hair. "Sofie, I love you more than life itself. Today I know you feel exactly the same way. I could die right now in peace because I know that." There was a short silence before he began again. "I didn't bring a gun, and I never intended too. You're a smart, beautiful girl with a bright future. I would never forgive myself if I took that from you, even if you're giving it away." He paused, but started again before I could say anything. "I called your mom while I was getting punch. I told her you'd be sleeping on the soccer field."
"Sleeping?" I asked tiredly, quickly understanding why I was feeling the way I was. "David, did you…did you put something in my drink?"
"I love you," he said quietly. "And I'll miss you." He wiped his cheek quickly, but that's all I saw past my blurred vision. I could barely make out his outline now. "Please, don't do anything stupid. That's my last wish. Please."
"Where…are…y-you go…going?" I felt myself falling.
The last thing I heard was, "Live and be happy. For me. Bye Sofia."
If you're reading this, that means you're home, safe and alive. I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to last till the very last minute. If I know you, you're probably very mad at me, or locked up in your room crying. Well, the first guess is perfectly okay. You're allowed to be angry. What I did was messed up. If you're crying, then stop. It won't do you any good to cry about something that's already happened. I swear if you become one of those depressing girls dressed in black everyday…
Don't distance yourself from your friends. Continue being class president, homecoming queen, and whatever else you set your sights on next. Smile because I'll be watching. I love you. Always.
First Chapter. Any thoughts?