June 15th, 2012
So this is a very well awaited post I suppose.
Sorry I haven't been posting very often; I guess I'm just adjusting to summer and nothing really big has happened...
I mean, I'm happier, I'm laughing more, and I can definitely see a difference in myself but I know I won't feel so complete.
I realized finally that my insecurity has been eating away at my mind and my sanity. I've just been following this idea of "perfection" for so long that I can't help but feel bad about myself almost all the time.
The way I see it, is that my insecurity is inevitable.
Does anyone really always feel confident?
I'm sure that even the most "sure of themselves" kind of people have insecurities.
It's just normal, but I don't think my insecurity is normal.
I shouldn't feel so bad about myself, although its gotten slightly better.
I don't like feeling that way; like I'm inferior.
So I've been trying to get better with my self confidence. It's getting better but it's going to be a long process and I'm okay with that but what I worry about most is that maybe I won't ever get better.
People always tell me that confidence is something a man loves in a women but yet I have none.
I know I shouldn't worry about marriage and children at the age of fifteen but I do because what if I never have that? What if I don't want that? It's just these everflowing questions in my mind that I'm sure will eventually drive me insane.
I would love to get married and have children it's always been a huge thing for me. And then there's a side of me that likes being alone and that's what scares me.
Why do I like to be alone?
No one likes to be alone?
I confuse myself because sometimes I feel lonely and sometimes I like it better being the loner.
Before, when I had boyfriends, I always wanted to breakup with them.
I've told this to people before and they asked me why, and I really didn't have an answer for them.
But then I thought about it, I mean really thought about it and the answer came to me.
It's like whenever you're ina group project and these people expect you to get your share finished. But then you doubt yourself like what if you don't do it right? These people are counting on you!
So I guess I feel like I won't live up to their expectations, is that even normal to feel when you're in a relationship?
It's scary really because It's what I feel everyday: Like I'll disappoint people. Not just people I care about but people in general.
I shouldn't care about what other people think though, well that's what everyone says.
But if you think about it, isn't it inevitable?
People will always give their opinions whether you want them or not and they just expect me to take it with a smile. I just know that people can be cruel and horrible.
And I guess I have this ill conceived idea that people are just out to get me and it scares me because I don't want to be judged for how I look or for who I am.
But yet, I can't stop it. I can't stop people from thinking or giving their opinions.
I'm just rambling, sorry.
Have any of you ever felt like that?
Like people are just out to get you and you have no place to run?
That's how I feel, all the time.